Posted in:
November 20, 2008 6:12 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The term "ready" means that a person can function in a healthy
long-term relationship. Usually, we say he or she was "ready" when
they settle down.
People may think they are ready at 20, but
realize they have a long way to go at age 35, and the results are
usually not pretty. I am caught in the middle; every reason I have to
think I'm ready has a valid argument against it:
1. Ready: I am working and care about that work.
At
this point in my life, I'm interested in moving up and pursuing my
dreams professionally. Some of my dreams are closer than they have
ever been, and I'm constantly getting ideas to try new things to make
money. Now, more than ever, I feel like the world is my oyster.
...but I need time to get to where I want to be professionally.
With
so many opportunities, it is hard for me to work on building a
relationship. Plus, is it fair for me to get into something when I
can't put 110% effort into it because my mind is on getting to where I
want to be in the workforce? I keep telling myself, once I'm
completely comfortable professionally, I will be able to work on a
relationship.
READ MORE 
Posted in:
November 18, 2008 3:12 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Part of human intelligence is learning from mistakes. The common example is when a child touches a hot stove for the first time. That child knows never to touch that stove again because of the physical pain it caused.
But why do we repeat so many mistakes when it comes to emotion?
We learn at work when we make mistakes, we learn from horrible non-dating experiences in life:
One time I went to a concert when I was 15, thinking I had to get there as soon as the doors opened. But when a long-haired hooligan named Vinnie Moore opened for them with the phrase: "this one's called Cinnabon," before making my ears bleed with hellish guitar licks. I learned, at that point, never to attend the opening act portion of a concert.
I've learned to avoid saying stupid things to girls: once you've complimented a girl on how great her outfit looks, don't try to double-compliment her by saying looks like she got a great deal at Target too (only other girls can get away with that).
Emotional mistakes? Seems like we are gluttons for punishment. Here are some common emotional mistakes that we make, and repeat:
Taking them back
You broke up with him, but-even if he was a total jerk-there is still a little soft spot in your heart. You remember the good times, and-hey-it's not THAT fun being single. Often, we end up taking back people that have hurt us in the past or that just didn't work out. Not sure how often this works out, but doesn't it seem like we would be able to say "no"?
Believing this time is "the one"
I'm so guilty of this one-I get a number, I meet a girl, I feel like there is some kind of magical cloud hanging over me. I'm still single, so obviously I have been way off with these predictions. I mistakenly believe I've met "the one" about two times a year. You'd think that I'd learn not to get so ahead of myself at "hello".
Getting lied to repeatedly
Isn't it terrible when someone stays in a relationship while they are being lied to? It seems like everyone on the outside knows what's going on, and that person in the relationship believes everything to the point of blindness. In a perfect world, we'd learn from one lie; but often we think that lies are isolated incidents when in fact we could be getting lied to repeatedly.
Staying with the bastard (AKA "I can change him/her")
Why do we stay with people when they are jerks, and why do we keep thinking we can change people? It's much better to be alone than to be dating a jerk. Why can't we subscribe to that common sense?
Mistaking physical intimacy for emotional intimacy
When we are in the heat of the moment, emotional closeness gets all intertwined with physical closeness. Sometimes we feel that if we get close physically, it will eventually lead to a close emotional connection. I can say I have never gotten into anything special that was sparked by a physical connection and, believe me, I've tried. The deeper relationships grow out of a gradual emotional connection. Nevertheless, sometimes we think if we have sex, then something might come of it.
Emotional pain is much more complicated than physical pain or a mistake at work that you learn from and never repeat. This is why vets from wars may lose a leg but they are haunted more by the emotional residue of their experience. I guess Pat Benatar was right when she sung "Love Is A Battlefield," but it's a shame that we must go through pain, and make multiple mistakes to get to where we want to be in the dating world.
Humans naturally want to trust and love. We want to believe that the good in everyone will prevail, and it's devastating to come to grips with the fact that you may have misjudged someone. This is why we are prone to repeat emotional mistakes.
We are left to choose between withdrawing from dating, or going through the mistakes until you find the one, because it's almost impossible to know for sure that something will not be an emotional mistake until after it's too late.
What kinds of mistakes have you repeated in your dating life, and have you figured out a way to finally learn from them so you don't repeat them?
Posted in:
November 14, 2008 3:47 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
When you get suspicious that your significant other is cheating be
careful not to appear to be paranoid. You have to walk a fine line-you
don't want to make false accusations.
So, while I'm sharing
this list of cheating red flags, I concede that it's a tricky
situation. It's hard to be sure if someone's cheating, but protect
yourself: be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit
within the relationship. But, at the same time, be careful not to let
anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive your
lover away.
Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating:
READ MORE
Posted in:
November 12, 2008 4:04 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
After all this cluelessness, I’ve finally discovered that it helps to become friends with someone before actually dating them. But, there are different levels and types of attractions that exist between friends.
We walk a dangerous line when we attempt to pull off the “friends with benefits” thing.
The “benefits” in that phrase refer to physical intimacy between friends. This is usually a recipe for disaster.
Usually it starts out fine. You are buddies, and you are attracted to one another. You end up making out on a random night, perhaps spending the night together. It feels great: here you are with someone you can actually stand being with, you’re giving in to your attraction and having a great time, no strings attached.
But the rules are all muddled. If you’re enjoying making out as “just friends,” you’re probably going to end up spending a lot of time together. And, usually, this time is spent partying. Because you are friends, why would you actually go out on dates? You end up meeting each other out, drinking and then heading home together.
READ MORE
Posted in:
November 10, 2008 12:30 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The reason I screw up so much is that I ignore my good instincts and
follow my bad instincts. I need to figure out how to just follow the
good ones. People like James Bond, Han Solo, 2008 Rich — superstuds.
They just make good decisions and don't make mistakes.
Here are two examples of ignoring good instincts, and one bad instinct that I have ignored but I fight every day:
Cheese Girl
One
summer I worked the deli at a Whole Foods; I was the rotisserie chicken
guy — definitely not the type of job that attracted many girls. However, like a circus, the workers at the supermarket all had this
strange camaraderie. So, it was this one magic summer when I had a
chance with this really hot blonde who worked in the cheese
department. With some prodding from my boys behind the deli case, I
worked up the guts to ask her out. And, because we both were stuck in
that supermarket — and ONLY because of that — she accepted.
We
went out to dinner, and when the waitress came by to take our drink
order, my date declined. I found this odd; I thought to myself:
There's some reason that you should NOT pressure her to order a
drink.
But, inexplicably, the following came out of my mouth:
READ MORE
Posted in:
November 7, 2008 4:49 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
They say the "devil is in the details," but the other night, my friend and I were scanning the bar and noticing minor things about women. After reflecting on our observations, I put together four small things that guys notice that they don't often point out to women. Here they are:
Hands
I study a girl's hands pretty intensely. Beautiful hands can portray daintiness and strength at the same time. I notice manicures, and complexion. I imagine what it's like to hold them. I'm not much of a hand holder, but pretty hands will turn me into a hand holder. I even watch how a girl grips things. There are definitely different objects and shapes that look amazing in a girl's hands, such as a wine glass. A wine glass has delicate curves that play off a woman's hands. When I notice fingers that are appealing to me, I imagine how those fingertips would feel
READ MORE
Posted in:
November 5, 2008 3:57 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
My friends and I are excited for the release of “Who’s Naylin’ Paylin,”
an X-rated film parody featuring a main character based on Sarah
Paline.
In this interview, Lisa Ann-- who plays Palin in the movie—divulges all
about production and her take on the social implications of the movie.
Not since my beloved "Edward Penishands" has a porn so campy caught my
eye. Because I’m an intellectual (yeah, right), I like these kinds of
porns that spoof things. It adds another layer to the whole thing
other than sex, sex, sex.
You guys know I’ve admitted Sarah Palin is hot, but this porn has shed some new light on why I think she’s so sexy.
Porn aims to take our fantasies and play them out on the screen. A lot
of this is done through stock characters: those types of characters
that are built around traditional cultural types.
Sarah Palin is sexy because she’s a combination of porn stock characters. Here are a handful of porn stock characters:
READ MORE
Posted in:
November 4, 2008 7:04 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Have you ever wondered how much of your past romantic life you need to
reveal to new lovers as relationships get more and more serious?
I think there is probably a happy medium that can be applied to what
you tell your significant other about your past. There are a lot of
ways to package information so that it can accomplish what you need it
to.
Once you've gotten to a certain point in a relationship, the other
person should have demonstrated that they are strong and secure. But
certain things can chip away at that security-it's only natural.
Here are the boyfriends that I can deal with hearing about from a girlfriend:
- The very first boyfriend she thought she was in love with and thought she was going to marry
- Any bastard that screwed up consistently that can make me look better (hey, I need all the help I can get)
- The guy her parents liked a lot-this guy usually turns out to be pretty
lame, and manages to make me look "exciting" even though I'm lame too
- The guy that wasn't cute, but was really nice
So, what kind of info can I handle?
READ MORE
Posted in:
November 3, 2008 1:31 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Today I was thinking about how inexperienced and unadventurous I am in bed. I wish I could be super porno guy, but I just can't-not at this point in my life. Here is the laundry list of things I've never tried in bed:
Video
Most
of the time, the girl I'm with is cute enough to be on video, but I
would ruin it. Why would I want to see my beer gut on camera over and
over again? Plus, doesn't the camera add ten pounds or something?
Furthermore, I'd want the movie to be good and I'd want the girl to be
having a good time. If I'm anxious
performing without a camera, I can only imagine how nervous I'd be with
the electronic eye scrutinizing my every move. And one more thing: I
tend to lose things. Whether it's a computer file, or a tape, or DVD,
if I lost it I'd be in big trouble.
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 28, 2008 6:54 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I can't find the "perfect" girl because I've created a personality in my mind that may not exist.
My perfect girl could be characterized as a "Tom-Princess".
Here are five contradictions that exist in my imaginary ideal girl:
1. She is very put together, but she doesn't mind coming apart.
I
go crazy for girls who look polished on the surface: pretty hair cut
straight across the back, perfect bangs with that amazing diagonal
slant that almost hides one eye. I love when a girl pays attention to
fashion too: jeans with heels, creative looks, or anything that just
works for her.
While she's polished, I want her to be able to
laugh at herself when she's caught in the rain or when she trips over a
rift in the concrete. She's not always dressed up, she'll love to veg
in sweats as well.
She'll basically walk into a room looking
like a goddess, but prove to be very down to earth under all of the
polish. She's the gorgeous one who can drink with the best of them and
get a bit rowdy at a party. She likes to get a martini in a nice
lounge or check out fine art, but also likes playing flag football,
camping or fishing.
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 27, 2008 10:16 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I only meet a handful of girls that are attractive to me, so when I miss opportunities I get really mad at myself.
This past Friday, my friend Margaret and I were walking home to our apartments after work. As we approached Third Avenue on Twelfth Street, we noticed a throng of paparazzi gathered outside the apartment building that was formerly The American Felt Building.
Margaret knew exactly what was going on:
"That's where Katie, Tom and Surrey live," she explained.
OK, even though I'm not on a first name basis with Tom, Katie, and Surrey Cruise like Margaret apparently is, the chance to see A-listers was a bit too tempting. I got giddy.
"Well then why don't we stick around and see if we can get a sighting," I asked her.
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 22, 2008 5:15 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
This past Friday I attended a singles party.
It yielded no
results for me, but it did help clear up some characteristics of places
where I may have better luck meeting girls.
Let me first explain why it was tough to meet girls at the singles party:
1. Loud Music
How
in the world am I supposed to talk to anyone if I can't hear myself
think? It's really hard to meet people when you have to scream at the
top of your lungs and they still say "what?" after you speak to them.
I have this terrible problem where I'm afraid to ask someone what
they've said a third time so I just guess whether I should fake a
positive or negative reaction. Most of the time, I'm wrong:
I laugh and say: "so funny" after I'm told that someone's mom is going into surgery.
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 21, 2008 3:19 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I remember when "stalking" was unique to relationships. But now we use it in every day language:
"I've been stalking that girl with the chicken skewers because it's by far my favorite refreshment at this cocktail hour."
I am under the impression that everyone has stalked someone at some point.
The most common thing I see is celebrity stalking. My sisters or girlfriends will go out in the West Village looking for famous people. It's funny how the price of fame is that you are suddenly targeted for stalking. And, us un-famous people think that's ok.
Like my relationship warning system, I've laid out the stalking levels along with the terrorist levels:
Green - Low Risk of Being Stalked
You've just dumped him or rejected him. He has a few unsavory words for you and secretly hopes that your heel gets stuck in a grate on the street or some other slightly embarrassing thing happens to you. He might see what you're up to on Facebook or something, but at this point he's harmless.
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 20, 2008 9:02 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
You've heard it before: guys have a secret code stating they should not tell girls what happens at bachelor parties. But, I'm going to give you a glimpse of what goes on, and explain why I think bachelor parties are contrived.
Here are three elements that I've seen at every bachelor party I've been to:
Lots of Booze
I've seen everything from wine, to beer, to hard liquor to absinthe. I guess a lot of guys see the bachelor party as the last night they can get very intoxicated before real life sets in. As far as I'm concerned real life set in the minute I walked off of University of Delaware's campus with the last of my boxes from my house.
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 16, 2008 4:28 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I know it's a mistake to shower a girl with attention, especially at sensitive early moments in the dating process.
First, I want to define "special":
Any event or act that takes a certain amount of thought or effort that is sincere and spontaneous.
Spontaneity is key. Nothinig is special if it happens all the time. Sincerety is under rated here. I think a lot of guys think they can get away with doing special to gain an upper hand or with a certain agenda. Come on, we see it on Lifetime movies all the time: the bastard husband comes off as sweet, doing special things while having a hidden agenda.
Here are things I'd consider special while dating:
READ MORE
Posted in:
October 14, 2008 9:16 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
My dad came to this country from the Philippines when he was in his 20's, so he's quite "Americanized" by now.
Like
any dad, he wanted to bestow love advice upon his son, so during my
earlier years he would take time to share his thoughts. Some things
bombed, such as:
"Once you've dated a girl for a month or so, tell her you love her. She will appreciate it."
Even I know not to play my hand that early. But, he meant well.
He also tried to give me the following advice:
"Women and men are pretty much the same, you'll realize that as you get older-so no reason to be intimidated by women."
This
was just as preposterous as his "early declaration of love" advice. I
grew up with two sisters; they were kind of like guys. But most girls
that I knew didn't like sports, were somewhat irrational and too
emotional, and very unpredictable. They were nothing like my guy
friends-they made sense.
But as I get older, I wonder if men and
women are indeed very similar. I've learned this by watching my own
actions. Here are some ways that I've behaved like a woman:
READ MORE
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