Posted in:
September 23, 2008 10:28 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I've been on one of those little rolls lately that guys get on, but
they don't want to jinx it by examining it. Of course, I'll examine it
today and jinx it.
I've been meeting a lot of attractive
girls and maintaining contact after the initial meeting. I find this
to be more of a measure of success than "getting laid," because it
leaves open the opportunity for something that could be much more
fulfilling.
They say that first impressions are everything, so my theory for my lucky streak is that I'm making good first impressions.
You
get one chance to make a first impression. Here are the things that
have helped me or hindered me in the quest to make a good impression on
a girl:
READ MORE 
Posted in:
September 19, 2008 5:50 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
A few days ago, I attended a beautiful funeral service for a friend of
the family who battled lymphoma for 14 months. David was a senior when
I was a freshman in high school. He was close friends with my older
sister and I am close friends with his younger sister who graduated the
year after me.
It was too soon for him to pass away. He left
behind a beautiful family, and over 200 people attended the service-a
testament to the amount of lives that he influenced in a positive way.
I can say that David had a role in the very beginning of my dating life.
I
remember a grey Fall day outside our school when my older sister called
me over to their group on the blacktop in front of the middle school.
Usually this was a scary proposition; my sister's friends were
intimidating, popular, beautiful, and successful. Sometimes, out of
sheer boredom, her guy or girlfriends would haze me.
But this time, there was a noble reason.
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 16, 2008 10:50 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
A few weeks ago, I knocked over my external hard drive off my bedside table and, to my horror, my computers no longer recognized its existence.
This was no ordinary data that was stored on this hard drive. No, it wasn't old tax records, important family photos, or great music. It was 165 gigs of select porn that I have compiled for the past five years. Irreplaceable.
Let me take one more step back. My buddy Bryan (my boobs-obsessed friend), and I have always lauded Avenue B in NYC because it is full of half cocked bodegas, and shops. Every shop looks illegal in some way. Nestled on a block on Avenue B is a shady
computer store called (obviously) "Computer," run by two Asian cousins.
Bryan had told me about a conversation that he had had earlier in the year with one of the Asian cousins:
BRYAN: "Well, I have a lot of music, and well- a lot of porn too on this computer."
COUSIN: "Oh, well we all have that."
This was the kind of understanding I was looking for. Why take the hard drive to a Best Buy where some woman whose first language was English would give me a dirty look after the repair?
When I took the drive in, I explained the problem, then I was put on the spot:
COUSIN: "So you have a lot of important data on this?"
I cracked.
ME: "Well, uh...I'm not even really sure what's on this."
A few days later I received some good news: I could have the drive fixed AND have my "data" rescued.
Bryan and I went to pick up the drive to experience the miracle together. One of the guys was already smirking when I walked in. They knew.
The worst part of the process was when they plugged in the drive on the showroom monitors and the contents of the drive appeared across all five of them. But, like I said, they knew. They were smart enough to have the settings at "List" and not "Thumbnail" to avoid embarrassment. He asked me about a special movie file he had never seen before and I gruffly stated:
"Oh, those are work files"...total lie.
Me, Bryan and the two cousins exchanged understanding glances, a moment-- spanning a language barrier-- and capping off the perfect discreet experience.
The experience reminded me that males have a universal acceptance and love of porn.
In college, porn was on our TV in the background like light rock in a dentist office waiting room. Guys talk about it openly, and comfortably. When I told my friends about my porn drive breaking, I was greeted with groans and comforted.
The porn that meant the most to me was a movie called "Edward Penishands": a touching story about a misfit goth character who happened to have dildos instead of hands. You should have seen him try to eat spaghetti. But on sad the day my buddy took it to wrestling practice and watched the video with the entire wrestling team, only to have it stolen by one of the coaches. Because of its mysterious disappearance, Edward Penishands became the stuff of legends. READ MORE
Posted in:
September 13, 2008 9:11 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I don't think I'll ever understand women. The best I can do is master the things that make sense. I know certain things make girls happy. I know that it's important to give a girl I like attention, to treat her with respect, treat her how I would want to be treated.
But the other day I was thinking about things about women that I will never understand no matter how much I try to figure them out. Folklore has always preached not to go into the wilderness, because it was the unknown. It is human to fear the unknown.
So, I've listed things I don't understand about women...which basically means: things that freak me out about women:
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 12, 2008 2:35 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
When determining if you should let things get serious, remember: actions speak louder than words. With that being said, here are ten dating red flags. If you see any of these, do yourself a favor and reconsider if it's worth it for you:
1. You Are Not on the VIP List For Breaking News
Were you the last to learn about this person's job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.
2. They Avoid Meeting Your Family or Friends
If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you.
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 11, 2008 8:32 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Can you believe that I have faked an orgasm before? This is a clear case of the shoe is on the other foot.
As I was growing up, the older guys told me I better not be a "two-minute" type of guy. It put so much fear into me. The last thing I wanted to do was leave any sexual partner unsatisfied. It immediately turned sex into a pass or fail situation. And, as you can tell from my 2.3 GPA at University of Delaware, I don't do well in a pass/fail situation very often.
Every time I have sex, I do everything I possibly can to not ejaculate too fast. This usually leads to ejaculation not happening.
Concentrating on not giving in, letting the mind wander to anything else other than how good the sex might be leads to bad sex. But, what if I let myself realize how good the sex is-I might just ejaculate too fast.
Trying too hard to ejaculate has a backward effect too. I've tried to concentrate really hard on "letting go" and it hasn't worked. It just adds to the pressure.
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 10, 2008 9:34 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
It was a great Labor Day weekend, but one that reminded me that I'm very single. So I've collected all the things that remind me I'm the singlest of single into an embarrassing but honest list. So, in no particular order, here are the things about me that cry out that I'm single:
No Responsibility
Remember my epiphany I had when I was at the Starboard last year in Dewey Beach on my boys only trip down to Dewey Beach? I had another one. Funny how drinking for 7 hours in perfect weather can do that to you. As I stood in a circle with my buddies, only interrupted by random girls asking for champagne to be poured down their throats, we discussed our friend Bob. Bob had left early, missing "Suicide Sunday" at the Starboard-our biggest party day of the year. Two of my friends are married, one's engaged, and one has a serious girlfriend. Our guess was that Bob had to return to the wifey ASAP on this joyous Sunday. My response to that was:
"Damn, I'd hate it if I had responsibility to anyone on a Sunday."
The other guys looked at me, the only single one in the group, and let out jealous sighs.
Acting Like An "80-year Old Woman"
A few weeks back I was speaking with a co-worker about my Friday night plans. I was worn down, so I planned to stay in. I also mentioned my "domestic responsibilities":
"Well, I'm obsessed with this new basil plant I have so I have to make sure I put it in the sun early Saturday morning. What's more, my cats are kinda pissed because I've been away for a bit."
"Cats, and a basil plant on a Friday night," she questioned? "You're like an 80-year old woman".
Ouch. But, I wish I was like an 80-year old woman, because my basil plant would be yielding many more leaves than it currently is.
I Tell My Best Friends and Sisters About Cool Little Things
My advertising agency took part in an agency-vs-agency soccer tournament. We came in second out of sixteen teams. Honestly, I have no idea how we did it. But at the bar as we celebrated, I grabbed my phone and texted my sister and my friend Justin about the good news. Maybe some day I'll have a girlfriend to text that stuff to? Sometimes I just text Justin about the weather. Hmm, maybe I'll still text Justin a lot after I have a girlfriend.
I Have Enough Money To Live
Once I dropped $95 on a random date and maxed out my credit card while having no cash in my bank account and had to walk home because I couldn't afford a $2 subway ride. Lately, I've been doing OK-not great, but OK. This is because I haven't had to buy dinner or even go on random outings with a girl-it all adds up.
READ MORE AFTER THE JUMP READ MORE
Posted in:
September 8, 2008 11:00 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I think I have a crush on Sarah Palin. She intrigues and intimidates me-two necessary ingredients for a crush.
I admit, she could kick my ass. But maybe that's what I need. She would provide the kind of structure I need.
My mom sometimes mentions my check register. I haven't seen my check register in a long time. When I write checks, I just hope that they clear. No rhyme or reason to that strategy.
I'm late to a lot of engagements. I over sleep my alarm clock quite often.
I need to be whipped into shape.
Sarah Palin is just the type of person who could do that to me.
I must admit, while I don't like guns, Sarah suddenly looked hotter when I saw footage of her shooting a really intimidating firearm.
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 5, 2008 2:00 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I'm pretty stupid. But I know how to look smart. So I'm going
to share how I do it so that you can all succeed in looking smart with
your significant others and their friends/family.
We think, to
look intelligent, we need to be an expert on something. Maybe. But
wouldn't it be better to be able to talk about anything at any time
with anybody? How smart would you look then?
So, here it is:
It is better to learn a little bit about many things, than it is to learn a lot about a few things.
Have
I ever proved the hypothesis? Of course! I go to sources like
Wikipedia learning interesting factoids that can be applied anywhere.
My
first girlfriend's dad was an architect. We had just learned about
Ancient Rome in school when I went to meet him for the first time. I
smoothly hit him with this line:
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 3, 2008 11:10 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The other night I was eating corn on the cob and feeling very happy I was not on a date because I looked like a rat gnawing on a typewriter spool. It inspired me to write up the worst first date foods, complete with a handy dandy legend for quick reference…
Legend
M = Messy
NR = Makes nose run
U = Unwieldy
F = Gas Producing (could be applied to any food really)
C = Cheap/thoughtless
A = Alters your appearance
PSYCH = Plays with your mind
NA = Noise Alert!
Spaghetti (M, U)- Choose your pasta wisely! Pasta comes in all shapes and sizes, so there are safe choices like penne. But avoid spaghetti. My Italian grandmother was adept at twisting her fork into a mound of spaghetti and pulling it out in a nice, manageable ball. I never picked up that skill. So, if you can’t get that spaghetti to cooperate on your fork, you are left to suck the loose dangling ends into your mouth like a vacuum cleaner over a worm farm. Pasta sauce only complicates matters. Loose ends of spaghetti left to their own devices hanging out of your mouth will act like octopus tentacles slinging sauce all over everything, including your date.
READ MORE
Posted in:
September 1, 2008 2:34 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
We’ve already seen that levels of commitment can compare with the Terrorist Warning System. Well, the other day I was thinking I could break it down even further. We can group different dates into tiers. Furthermore, attacking one of these tiers too fast can lead to disaster for a guy.
One Xmas, my sister got airline tickets from her boyfriend for a trip to Italy. I was impressed with the gift, but my sister had a lukewarm reaction. Unfortunately he had done what my friends and I refer to as “TFTF” – “Too far, too fast”. My sister and her boyfriend were broken up soon thereafter.
So, I’d like to lay out my dating pyramid and solicit your advice—not only on whether I’ve divided them up correctly, but also on the timing of when you think I can move to the next tier.
TIER ONE (One to Three Months In)
This is the beginning stage. Things are pretty sensitive here. It’s easy to overwhelm and look too interested or too fired up…or to go TFTF. I would assume keep things simple, almost cliché. Stick to dates that girls are used to, and places they feel comfortable:
READ MORE
Posted in:
August 28, 2008 9:17 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
My one experience with spanking was in a New Orleans “strip club”. When I say “strip club”, I’m giving this place way too much credit. The little place where my friend and I ended up was basically an outhouse with really scary red lighting. It was like a haunted darkroom.
During our cross country trip, we figured in New Orleans, we must visit a strip club in the French Quarter. You know you’re in trouble when you’re a tourist trying out strip clubs. Strip clubs are not to be “sampled” casually.
It really felt like there were only four of us in this little building that we entered: Me, my friend, and two of the most unattractive strippers I’ve ever seen, giving us what they referred to as “lap dances”.
I don’t really understand lap dances. When I’m with a stripper there is an invisible wall. So, while a stripper is gyrating over me, I lean back and pray that I don’t inadvertently touch her. I’m totally on the defensive.
Often I find a pair of boobs shoved in my face. This is one of those things that you always think you want to happen and then when it happens, you realize you just don’t want it to be happening.
My stripper shoved her boobs into my face and everything went dark.
READ MORE
Posted in:
August 25, 2008 9:00 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
Some of my girlfriends are confused about how these guys who have hurt them before seem to re-appear in their lives. I’ve written about why they disappear, so here is why they re-appear, and how you should handle it:
1. He truly realizes he made a mistake and he wants you back. Never rule out that the guy is being true when he returns and intends to make an effort to stay together. The key is to remember that he did leave once, and he must prove his intentions. And remember actions speak louder than words. He’ll come back saying all the right things, but, you should demand a standard of treatment. Make him prove himself multiple times before you let your guard down. Plus, making it tough for him to get back in will make him respect you more and not take you for granted. I’d hate to say it, but if guys can play dirty, girls can too: use the fact that he hurt you by leaving against him as he tries to prove himself.
READ MORE
Posted in:
August 21, 2008 5:26 PM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The first time I ever felt a girl up I was in seventh grade and it happened outside of the gym at a dance. It was a strange experience-there were a few guys who took turns feeling the girl up. It was very mechanical, and unemotional except for maybe some nerves and confusion.
The following Monday, rumor got all around our school that this girl had gone outside and let us all feel her up. The effects were devastating for the girl. After this, I took a hiatus from feeling girls up-maybe because it wasn't that great at the time, or maybe just because I couldn't get any. But, as it turned out, if anyone wanted to feel a girl up, they could go to this girl who we all felt up outside of that dance.
A few years later I found out that this girl, who had left our school, ended up hooked on heroin and generally broken. She had also gotten very promiscuous.
I often wondered if she would have gotten into drugs and been promiscuous if she had not been involved in this experience with my friends and I, and then been disrespected immediately the following Monday after we felt her up.
Am I making too big a deal out of this experience in her life?
I've been thinking about promiscuity and how it is most likely linked to someone's life situation. Unfortunately, we are in a society that does not vilify men as much for sleeping around. The nickname "player" for a man does not carry the same stigma as the word "slut" which we use for a promiscuous woman.
So, this has to be linked to some deep psychological experience or collection of experiences.
My theory is that the combination of any of the following can contribute to promiscuous behavior:
READ MORE
Posted in:
August 20, 2008 11:27 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
I've always admired those guys who hit on girls anywhere. But, I've got a specific list of rules I will not break. There are just some places I won't hit on a girl.
This is a bit crippling though. Should I be hitting on girls everywhere I go? If I see an attractive girl, perhaps I should seize the opportunity.
Here's a list of bad places to hit on girls:
The Gym
I think we are all at the gym for similar reasons: to improve ourselves, to stay in shape, etc. I get so unhappy when I see super buff cheeseball hitting on some poor girl who is obviously trying to get her workout in. I hate every minute I spend in the gym. I want to get in, do whatever, and get out. The last thing I'd want to do is prolong some girl's gym experience with my crap. It's the most awkward when a girl is blatantly on something like a stair-climber and some guy is leaning against it trying to get digits.
READ MORE
Posted in:
August 18, 2008 9:35 AM by Rich Santos | COMMENTS
The other day I came across this interesting article and I was astonished that a man was suing a woman for getting herpes from her.
What if we could sue anyone we wanted for any reason pertaining to our failing love lives? Better yet, what if we could ask for restitution in the event we win the case.
Here are all the people (and animal) I would sue, and what I'd ask for to alleviate the mental and financial anguish they caused...
READ MORE
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