Update, 9/22: Pack up your Cabbage Patch Kid-size replicas of Lady Gaga's meat dress, friends—Princess Charlotte has no use for them.
"Because they're a traditional family, I'm sure that she'll wear babysuits for the first year, and then only when she's walking will she then move into dresses," said Rachel Riley, the Duchess's favorite children's wear designer. "Even in terms of separates, I don't think she'll be wearing [them] until much later."
Her brother George has already inspired his own Kardashian Kids kollection, but there's still plenty of time for little Char to become a (conservative, mindful-of-the-past) fashion icon in her own right.
Update, 9/8: Like a miniature Taylor Swift who can't even sit up without assistance yet, Princess Charlotte is already influential enough to have her own personal economic Effect.
Brand Finance projects the 4-month-old will bring almost $5 billion to the British economy compared to George's $3.6 billion, even though she's only been outside twice, CNN reports. "The unofficial endorsement of Charlotte, George and Kate in particular has a profound financial effect running into millions annually," Brand Finance CEO David Haigh said, referring to George's prison break Crocs, the $100 lace shawl Charlotte wore leaving the hospital, and Kate's everything.
Also fun: Queen Elizabeth reportedly calls her family "The Firm," which is covert-opps-sounding and definitely better than a #squad or even a #coven.
Update, 9/1: While the Archbishop of Canterbury was sprinkling water onto Princess Charlotte's head, Prince Harry was half a world away, beating himself up for missing his niece's christening to protect lions and other wildlife from poachers.
According to the Mail on Sunday (via Hello!), the defiantly scruffy royal joked about neglecting his familial duties while speaking with Simson Uri-Khob, who runs the conservation group Save The Rhino. "[The Prince said] 'What a bad uncle I am! I should really be there. But today I am here, this is where I want to be.'" (He has been volunteering in Namibia and South Africa since June.)
By the laws of child development, Princess Charlotte can't do much of anything right now, but when she does grow up, I'm sure she won't mind.
Update, 8/21: Although it is unclear whether the Photoshopper worked alone or had accomplices, it is quite apparent that this viral image of Princess Diana (who passed away nearly 18 years ago) watching over Princess Charlotte is the work of someone who had more heart than skill.
The imagined meeting has been called everything from "wonderful" and "beautiful" to "morbid" and "a visual crime that makes my eyeballs water," which is not bad considering that's probably what they said about Bosch when he was first starting out. The artist does have a very interesting sense of scale—I will give her/him/they/it that.
Update, 7/7: Mario Testino's portraits from Princess Charlotte's christening are here, and everyone looks so smiley and wind-blown in a pretty way, and I can't anymore.
Update, 7/1: In another flagrant act of emotion-mongering, the Official Baby Baptism Planners have hired Mario Testino to take softly lit portraits of the royal family following Princess Charlotte's christening Sunday. The Peruvian fashion photographer, one of Diana's favorite artists, expressed his gratitude in a statement. "I am overwhelmed and honored to be chosen to document this occasion," he said, "and to carry on the documentation of the family that is the soul of this country, a country that has given me so much." (He took Will and Kate's smiley engagement photos back in 2010. Plus he has an OBE.)
No pressure, Char. You've only got "Blue Steel" George to contend with. And, like, every supermodel ever.
Update, 6/29: Princess Charlotte is being christened July 5, the timing of which is simultaneously considerate (FREEDOM! PRINCE GEORGE! MORE THINGS WE LIKE!) and a tiny bit shady because shouldn't this *entire* weekend be spent contemplating bald eagles and
rosé apple pie and the Declaration of Independence free from distraction?
Nevertheless, a royal baby is a royal baby, and you will be pleased to know everyone who loves the most recently born one will be at her baptism—with two glaring exceptions.
According to Us Weekly, while Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Camilla, Michael and Carole Middleton, and Will, Kate, and this little scamp have all RSVPed yes, Uncle Harry won't be able to make it. At the end of the month, he'll travel to Namibia to work with the Nature Conservancy and Save the Rhino Trust, undoubtedly providing us with more fodder for the royal travel album.
And who is this other missing VIP guest we speak of? ME. And you, if they had let me have a plus-one. Or if I had been invited at all.
Update, 6/11: Real Q: Could Prince Charles *be* any more of a grandpa?
His latest act of grandfatherliness is boasting of 1-month-old Princess Charlotte's snoozing skills at a tea he hosted with the Duchess of Cornwall Camilla for pilots and aircrew who fought in WWII. "We were talking about grandchildren, and he was saying Princess Charlotte does sleep through the night and it was much easier on mum than Prince George," a guest said to Us Weekly after the event.
Well, you know what they say: Every baby is different. Also, in an exasperated but secretly appreciative voice, "GRANDPPAAAAAAAAA."
Update, 6/5: It's official: Princess Charlotte is officially a lower-key royal baby than her brother.
According to People, Kensington Palace said in a statement that the littlest HRH will be christened July 5 at St. Mary Magdalene's Church on Queen Elizabeth II's Sandringham estate, the same place where Princess Diana was baptized. The service will be private, but at least we'll have some official portraits, hopefully jolly ones like these, to look forward to after.
Can we just say how touching it is they're honoring Diana's memory with the name and now the ceremony? *sniffle* Darn onion ninjas.
Update, 6/1: So as not to throw a wrench into Grandma's summer vacation plans, one-month-old Princess Charlotte will be baptized before late July, according to People.
There are two venues in the running: the Chapel Royal at St. James's Palace in London, where Prince George was christened, and St. Mary Magdalene church on the Queen's Sandringham estate, which is a hop and a skip away from the young family's country home Amner Hall. In contrast, Charlotte's outfit, a vintage gown based on one Queen Victoria commissioned in the 19th century, has already been set.
"BUT PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN," you say. Fine. According to the publication, the only shots we'll see are those showing the royals entering the church, formal portraits taken after the ceremony, and perhaps some more personal photos like those taken by Kate's father if they decide to throw us a bone again (pleeeeassseeeee). One last request: Could we get some butterflies again? Those were fun.
Update, 5/18: She might resemble a potato just like every other newborn, said Anna Kendrick, but Princess Charlotte's a *famous* potato-baby, so some forensic experts went and figured out what she'd look like at 18, which is this:
Much less potato-y.
According to the Daily Mail, the team took into account her family history and concluded that Char will grow up to be "a tall and athletic teenager with incredibly good posture," dimples, a flawless complexion, and the Duchess of Cambridge's mouth. Lucky girl. But considering that she's only, like, two weeks old, can we just enjoy her #blessed potato-y-ness while it lasts? Thanks.
Update, 5/14: Lest you forget, Elizabeth II isn't a regular Queen Mum—she's the unexpectedly demonstrative great-grandmother to precious widdle Princess Charlotte.
The Mirror reports that, at a Buckingham Palace garden party Tuesday, Her Majesty confided in a few guests her delight with the newest addition to the royal family. "She said, 'Yes, we love to have another girl,'" Susan Pollack told the Mirror. "She smiled at that. She was very relaxed and enjoying the event."
So we've got our conclusion: Hot guys and babies produce the same effect in sexagenarian monarchs.
Update, 5/13: Blessed newborn Princess Charlotte can't even do much of anything yet, but she's already in the Petit Trianon phase of her reign.
According to People, the wee royal, her parents, and Prince George have settled nicely into their country estate Anmer Hall, where they "don't have any plans other than to have a proper family life." This involves listening intently to Papa Will read bedtime stories after he's come home from piloting air-ambulances, attending tea parties (we'd peg George as a Battenberg cake man), and simply enjoying one another's majestic, majestic company.
Does it get any better than this? Well...we could be invited.
Update, 5/7: While some Twitter users are giggling over Prince "Willy's" scribbly signature (dunno why though—you can clearly see the "I"), they're completely missing another adorable detail. See it?
Ugh, fine. We'll tell you: It's "Occupation: Princess." And Kate and William's super-long titles that probably gave the poor registrar carpal tunnel. And the fact that everyone already knows their address.
Update, 5/6: More about "Charlotte Elizabeth Diana," guys, because have you ever heard a more princess-y name?
Although aides at Kensington Palace say the names "speak for themselves," there's still a bit of history to explore here, according to Vanity Fair. For example, she's the first royal Charlotte since the 19th century, when Queen Charlotte was married to King George III. "Charlotte" also pays homage to several family members: the Duchess of Cambridge's great-grandmother, Pippa Middleton (it's her middle name), and Grandpa Charlie himself, who's said to be "tickled pink" with the tribute.
Elizabeth clearly refers to the Queen but also to Kate's mother Carole, who bears the same middle name after her mother. And then we've got Diana, which, of course, refers to the late People's Princess. VF's sources say the newborn princess couldn't have had Diana as a first name because "there would have been constant comparisons with Diana, and William wouldn't have wanted that."
In any case, Charlotte Elizabeth Diana has made pretty much everybody happy, except maybe all the bookies who just lost a ton of money on Alice.
Update, 5/4: She's got a name! And it's perfect!
Update, 5/2: While we were sleeping, Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby girl at St. Mary's Hospital in London, Kensington Palace around 8:34 a.m. London time. [Holds for applause, cheers, claps, tears]
The newest royal weighs eight pounds, three ounces, and both she and the Duchess of Cambridge are doing well. No name has been announced yet, but for our own personal betting pool, we're voting Diana—after Prince William's late mother—or Elizabeth, named after the badass queen who hangs with hot guys and watches Game of Thrones.
Update, 5/2: He/she is coming! Late Friday night—early Saturday morning across the pond—the royal Twitter account announced that Kate Middleton was in the beginning stages of labor:
Well, there goes any chance of us getting sleep tonight.
Update, 5/1: While mentally rearranging his end table to accommodate two royal-baby pictures everyone will focus on instead of him, Prince Charles told a 100-year-old Welsh Guard "we're hoping for a granddaughter!"
Us Weekly reports that when the Duke of Cornwall visited military veterans in Berkshire on Thursday, he revealed his deepest, most grandpa-y feelings to Lynda Bateman and her father Eric Jones, the oldest surviving Welsh Guard. Although he didn't say what *else* was in his doting, kid-spoiling heart—that Emma Watson would school the little princess in feminism, duh—we all know he was thinking it.
Original post, 4/27: Perhaps confirming the inverse relationship between birth order and number of bothers given, thoroughly modern parents Kate Middleton and Prince William will send out news of Less Senior Royal Baby's arrival electronically.
Will they include a pic of George's little brother/sister screaming and peeing on the nurse's hand? Does Kate get a push present because that is also terribly 2015? Great idea: The Kensington Palace social media team hosts a Reddit AMA, and we get some answers. BOOM.