13 Problems Only People Obsessed with 'Outlander' Understand

Sing me a soooong...wait, how does it go after that?

Starz

1. Trying to explain to your non-Starz-having friends why you can't go out on Saturday nights. Of course I know I can DVR it, fools, but I need to watch it right now. It's this or lose me for a month while I hole up and read the books.

2. Needing Starz to watch it. Nothing against Starz, but logins for it aren't exactly getting passed around with the same frequency as that HBO one you got from your second cousin's ex-boyfriend's mom. And if the Starz account belongs to you and you have to call the cable company to ask why your bill got so high, they're definitely not going to respond well when you wail, "Can't I just trade it for the C-SPANs or something?"

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3. Debating whether or not to read the many thousands of pages of books when the season is over. Plenty of Outlander viewers have already read the books, but for those of us who haven't, the struggle is real. Do I read these now and have the show spoiled in advance, but enjoy the debate about whether or not this or that change was wise? Or do I sit here and enjoy the surprise that I never got with Game of Thrones because I knew the Red Wedding was coming all along? Also, even if you ultimately decide, "Yes, time to read," those things are long. Maybe there's an oral surgery you've been putting off for a while?

4. Having to pause the show every five minutes to Google real Scottish history. A Jacobite is what now? American public schools don't really go into British history unless it involves the U.S. deciding they didn't want a king anymore, so if this is the first you've heard of this Bonnie Prince Charlie character, you're not alone. Just go ahead and bookmark this Wikipedia page.

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5. Unjustified rage that your significant other can't master a convincing Scottish accent. "No, no, it's canna. I'll use it in a sentence: I canna believe Outlander is almost over. Ugh, I hate you."

6. Using subtitles even when they're speaking English. This must be what my mom feels like all the time.

7. Not having enough money to visit Scotland, which has suddenly become your no. 1 vacation destination. If I cancel my cable and electricity, and stop buying coffee, maybe I'll have enough for a one-way ticket after, say, five years?

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8. Attempting to explain the plot to your friends who don't watch so you can force them to come over for viewing parties. "It's kind of like fantasy, but not, because it's based on real history, only there's time travel and better sex?" Sold, right?

9. Getting the theme song stuck in your head when you least expect it. Then forgetting all the words except "siiiiing me a sooooong" and having to make up the rest to complete your shower aria.

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10. The disappointment that you feel after Googling Sam Heughan and realizing that he doesn't wear kilts every day of his life. At least you'll always have screencaps from the show.

11. If your family is at all Scottish, deciding now is the time to find out if you have any ancestors as badass as Murtagh. Between the monthly price of an Ancestry.com premium membership and the Starz cable package, the only way you're getting to Scotland now is if you swim.

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12. The inability to stop obsessing over whether or not Sam Heughan and Caitriona Balfe are dating in real life. It doesn't matter, of course, but what if they were? What if this is the scenic Scottish version of Step Up and we're watching them fall in love on screen in real time?! But then what if they are and they break up and it ruins everything? It's all too much.

13. Getting awkwardly turned on while you watch. Outlander is one of the few shows on TV with actually good sex scenes, which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because of these abs, but a curse because one minute, you're just chilling, watching your stories, and the next you have to get laid immediately or you'll die. (And lord help you if your mom watches too and wants to talk about it.)

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