1. You can't always control the volume of your voice. IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME SOMEONE HAD TO SHUSH ME FOR ACCIDENTALLY SCREAMING AT THEM... okay so maybe I'm a little loud. Just tell me when to simmer and we're all good.
2. You wait until the next elevator so you don't have to make small talk with your boss. "So, uh, did you have a good weekend...?" Now, I have at least three things in my arsenal at any moment just in case we end up alone together.
3. You TMI when someone (read: not your mom or your BFF) asks how you are. People ask you this, not because they care, but because they are making small talk. I want to just say "good," or "well" but mostly it's,"I'm in a fight with my boyfriend because he doesn't get me, like really get me, you know? And I'm having stomach problems and maybe a fever and UGH I just feel so alone sometimes."
4. You have nightmares about having to maintain conversation with a hairstylist. Instead of asking about her day or recounting a funny night-out story, I'm all "Must. Read. Magazine. Now."
5. You'll hold off going to the bathroom to avoid passing your office crush. I'm not wearing my perfect outfit and my hair is on day three of this blow out. Either I'm going to get over it and talk to him or I'm going to move on because office fraternization is frowned upon anyway.
6. Your friend introduces you to someone and then immediately leaves to go to the bathroom. So much awkward staring, so much fake texting. Get it together and just compliment her hair already.
7. You want to leave the party and instead of saying proper goodbyes, you slip out while no one's looking. The circle of goodbye hugs is my nightmare. But again, I'm working on it.
8. You drink far too much coffee in anticipation for a big meeting and then forget to blink the whole time. It's time to switch to decaf and sip slowly.
9. You talk to your co-workers more on Gchat than in person. Sometimes talking to humans IRL is hard. I am a millenial afterall. (thumbs up emoji)
10. You constantly click those #NSFW links on the Internet and then conspicuously cover your screen. The shirtless pics of Ryan Gosling and the trailer for Nymphomaniac can wait until I'm on the couch.
11. You book your brazilian bikini wax at your desk. Everyone can hear you. Download this app to avoid this issue altogether.
12. You leave work and spot a colleague walking ahead of you. Immediately you slow your pace and alter your route. The 7-15 minute walk of pure and unwavering awkwardness is just not worth it.
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