Hello, we just saw Fifty Shades Darker and nothing will be the same. First of all, Taylor Swift is now soundtracking all our collective sex fantasies—which, yes, is very strange. Second of all, if you thought Fifty Shades of Grey was the most NSFW experience of your adult life, you're about to have your mind blown. Much like Anastasia Steele had her mind blown when Christian put her legs into a spreader and spread like there was no tomorrow.
Of course, Darker didn't just deliver sex. It delivered true IRL LOL moments, complete insanity, and a huge amount of creepy men. Let's just go ahead and round up the most sexy-insane-weird-WTF moments, shall we? (Warning: Minor/possibly major spoilers—if you're really watching the movie for the plot—ahead.)
1. When Ana asks Christian to "kiss her" after their breakup and he just straight up goes down on her, because that's what kissing means these days. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
2. When the camera zooms in on Christian's plumber's crack and everyone was just like "NOPE," but also "YESSSSSS."
3. When Ana's friend has an art show which is literally just photos of her looking like she's in a J.C. Penny commercial, and Christian buys said photos because he doesn't "like strangers looking at her." 👀
4. When Christian has Ana suck on Ben Wa Balls, bends her over, and pops them up her vagina. #Normal #Casual #WhatIsHappening
5. When Ana has a near-orgasm during a charity dinner BENEFITING CHILDREN. #SaveTheChildren #FromThisMovie
6. When Ana asks Christian to spank her and he just goes to town while smiling manically, and you don't know whether to 😂 or 😭.
7. When Christian nipple clamps Ana's finger as a test run, and you end up grabbing your breasts, shielding their eyes from what might befall them.
8. When Christian almost dies in a freak rich person helicopter accident, makes his entire family hella stressed out, and then waltzes into his penthouse covered in blood all "NBD."
9. When Christian works out by lifting his entire body into the air at a 45-degree angle using just his arms, a scene so funny that the entire viewing audience laughed.
10. When Christian uses a spreader bar to...um...spread Ana's legs. Because apparently she can't do that herself?
11. When Ana takes off her panties at a fancy restaurant, which has to be the most unsanitary thing that's ever happened.
12. When Christian fingers Ana in an elevator full of innocent people who would very much like to exclude themselves from this narrative, one they never asked to be a part of.
13. When Christian rips open Ana's shirt in the shower and sucks on her breasts like a tiny infant baby who hasn't been fed in hours. (So sorry for that.)
14. When Christian drips body oil all over Ana's boobs, but it looks like it could be any number of other fluids, and frankly the image will never leave you.
15. And finally, when Christian announces that he's a sadist who gets off on hurting women and Ana still doesn't break up with him. That's all!!!! Bye!
Fifty Shades Darker hits theaters tonight. See it.