25 Things Not to Do on Halloween

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1. Dress up as a naughty cat, naughty bunny, naughty nurse, or naughty nun.
meangirlshalloween_300x435.jpg2. Think that you can misbehave because you're in costume. Put another way: If you wouldn't do body shots without the Scooter Libby mask, don't do them now.

3. Carve Monet's Haystacks into a pumpkin because Martha Stewart told you to.

Pumpkin1.gif4. Ride public transportation in your Amy Winehouse wig.

amy_winehouse_tears_2.jpg5. Dress up as a bad pun, like a "gold digger." Or as anyone from the '80s. Or something you saw on YouTube. Or Sanjaya.
gold_digger.jpg6. Bob for apples, unless you get to go first. (The spit, people. The inevitable, disgusting other-people spit.)

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7. Give out "healthy treats," like raisins and tangerines. In a few years the recipients will return, armed with toilet paper and eggs, to have their righteous revenge.

8. Serve guests drinks with aggressively festive names like "Witch's Tit."

435_bloodybraindrink.jpg9. Shove your hand in a bowl full of peeled grapes masquerading as eyeballs or a tub of cold spaghetti mimicking slimy guts at the community haunted house.
eyeballs_med.jpg10. Do the Monster Mash.

11. Dress your child as a car air freshener.

41W3oj4IGvL._SS260_.jpg12. Force your boyfriend to dress up as the Sam Ronson to your Lindsay Lohan.

13. Forget the "naughty" part of your naughty secretary costume.

AAAAApQE6vYAAAAAAUM1kA.jpg?v=1220590976014. Forget the secretary part.

15. Use your masked identity as an excuse to TP your ex-boyfriend's house.

16. Dress up as the "walk of shame" if there's even a slight chance you'll be doing one in the morning.

s-WALK-OF-SHAME-large.jpg17. Forget to wear something under your toilet paper zombie costume.

18. Give trick-or-treaters last year's Halloween candy.

19. Forget that anything that tastes like fruit punch with a kick will leave you with a hangover for the next three days.

20. Convince yourself that dude-dressed-as-your-favorite-literary-character is your soulmate.

21. Force your cat to get into costume by wearing a Kitty Wig.

blonde1.jpg22. Attempt to dance seductively while dressed in a plush one-piece chicken costume.

339932697_6eac300b4b.jpg?v=023. Tell yourself you can stop at one handful of candy corn.

24. Go home with the Pete Doherty-look-alike unless you're sure his strung-out, greasy look is indeed just part of the costume.

25. Eat anything that may have masqueraded as monster brains an hour ago.

391611321_58eaa4c359.jpgHappy Halloween!

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