How to Wear Side-Snap Pants the Fashion Way (Not the 'Magic Mike' Way)

"There's nothing that guarantees a squeal out of a crowd more than Channing Tatum tearing away his cop pants." Out of context, this is a magnificent quote. In context—Magic Mike costume designer Christopher Peterson describing the extensive research that went into discovering the right combination of closures—this is a quote that ought to earn everyone involved in its making automatic VIP spots on the guest list for that big club in the sky.

The fashion version of the side-snap pant, while considerably less efficient a way to get down to your G-string in 2 seconds flat, is still plenty cheeky—and built for a spectacle, if you will. Its existence as a runway item is in itself a performance, made possible by fashion doing as it does: fixating on the stuff of strip clubs and high-school pep rallies, "elevating" it through cut and fabric and the bodies enclosed within, and "elevating" the price to four times the original. We know how it goes, and yet, we still want it...every time.

Maybe because, buttoned all the way up, with a heeled loafer, even your most close-minded colleague would be like "What are thoooseee," as a respectful nod to Vines past?

Maybe because now you've finally figured out how to wear a white blazer: with double-wide, cropped, JNCO-type SSP, a sentence I never thought I'd type?

Or maybe, just maybe, you can't get the thought of this Fenty x Puma look flapping open thrillingly as you disembark Leo DiCaprio's schooner (same) out of your mind.

To recap: For day, "conservative" is the word. (And "dark knit.") For night, all bets—including the determination to keep them on—are off.

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