39 Gifts We Don't Want
By Thea Palad and Diana Vilibert
Get ideas for the perfect gift with The Ultimate Gift Finder, showcasing over 100 gifts to give — and get!
When it comes to gift giving, it's the thought that counts...unless you're thinking about gifting one of the turkeys below. In that case, you should probably just stay home and send an e-card. Seriously, it's better that way.
1. Towels/bedding with the gift giver's initials on them.
2. Whatever we gave you last year…in the same wrapping paper.
3. Sweaters with reindeer, poinsettia, or 3-D pom-poms.
4. Anything you grabbed last minute at the gas station, e.g., air freshener, bag of pistachios, road map of New Jersey.
5. A framed picture of your kids — I'm not their grandma.
6. Anne Geddes anything.
7. Books from the self-help aisle at Barnes & Noble, e.g., The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide.
8. A homemade coupon book of "favors."
9. As seen on TV personal-hygiene gadgets, e.g., Ped Eggs, Kinoki foot pads.
10. Plug-in air fresheners: more insult than gift.
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Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
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uroclub golf club
UROCLUB, $24.95.\r\nFor the golfer and flagrant urinator in your life, there\'s the UroClub, a golf club that\'s actually a pee receptacle. And as you\'ll note in the photo, the UroClub comes with a \"privacy shield\" (loincloth) to protect whatever dignity one has left.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
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fiber optic holiday sweater
FIBER OPTIC HOLIDAY SWEATER, $49.96.\r\nThere\'s nothing better than an ugly holiday sweater to remind you of what the holidays are all about...except for a fiber-optic holiday sweater. Believe us, you\'ll be the talk of the party with this on. On the plus side, batteries are included!
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
cell mate
CELL-MATE\r\nThere\'s no gift more thoughtful than what basically amounts to a headset and plants your Zack Morris cell phone to your face. And it looks great, too.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
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fetus cookie cutters
FETUS COOKIE CUTTERS, $9.99.\r\nThese fetus cookie cutters are good for a laugh, but probably a bad gift idea for your mother-in-law. This isn\'t what she meant when she said she wanted grandchildren.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
peekaru
PEEKARU, $79.99.\r\nIt\'s like a Snuggie, for babies. And the new mom that you\'ll horrify if you dare present her with this.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
snuggie
SNUGGIE, $19.95.\r\nAlso unacceptable: actual Snuggies, ironically gifted or not.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
dog perfume
PUPPY LOVE FRAGRANCE, $44.\r\nWant to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume...for her dog.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
underwear safe
UNDERWEAR SAFE, $15.\r\nLingerie is a safe gift, usually...unless it\'s this safe underwear. Now you can show that you care with stained briefs that act as a safe for money, valuables, and your questionable sanity.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
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stripper pole
YOUR VERY OWN STRIPPER POLE, $119.99.\r\nInstalling a stripper pole in your bedroom is so last year. This portable pole, on the other hand, is perfect for the modern go-go girl on the go, no?
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
butter warmer
BUTTER WARMER, £29.99.\r\nDoes your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt...a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
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steak branding iron
STEAK BRANDING IRON, $79.95 - $89.95.\r\nWhen you\'ve run out of things to personalize, the next logical step is obviously a steak brander with your man\'s initials, right?
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
spray on hair
SPRAY-ON HAIR, $13.95.\r\nNothing says \"I care, but only a little\" like a product that helps men with hair loss...by spray-painting hair on their bald spots. Who wouldn\'t want to run their hands through a thick mane of aerosol?
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
icarta bathroom ipod holder
iCARTA, $89.99.\r\nLet\'s leave bathroom entertainment at bathroom reading, not listening. Singing in the shower is enough...we don\'t need to go into a duet with John Mayer while on the throne too.\r\n
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
mobile back massager
MOBILE MASSAGER, $99.95.\r\nWe love a massage as much as the next girl, but we\'re not convinced that a rubdown with \"soothing, low-pressure air\" will really do it for us. And for some reason, we can\'t get the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song out of our heads. Odd.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
rejuvenique
REJUVENIQUE, $28.99.\r\nSerial-killer mask? No, it\'s just Rejuvenique, a mask that\'s supposed to reduce the appearance of wrinkles with the help of a 9-volt battery strapped to your face. On the plus side, it\'s recession-friendly, and can double as a hockey mask or Halloween costume.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
ipanties
iPANTIES, $12. \r\nThese \"slide to open\" (huh?) iPanties prove that putting an i in your product name doesn\'t make it a good idea.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
inflatable fruitcake
INFLATABLE FRUITCAKE, $9.50.\r\nThe idea of a zero-calorie holiday dessert is definitely appealing, but if you\'re bringing this blowup fruitcake to your office holiday party, may we suggest bringing an actual, edible sweet as a backup?
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
light up bra
ENLIGHTED BRA, $55 to $105.\r\nYou\'re invited to the party in my bra! Disco ball apparently included.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
worst gifts, holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
nothing gift
NOTHING, £3.99.\r\nWhen your significant other insists they don\'t want anything for the holidays, they probably don\'t mean that they want you to get them Nothing. But this\'ll teach them.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
BOOTBAG, $69.Cute rainboots? Sure. A fun bag? Go for it. But a bag made out of a rainboot? Pass.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
LIFE GEM, $2,699-$24,999.You can\'t go wrong with diamonds — unless those diamonds are a by-product of recently deceased Fluffy\'s remains. Life Gem cremates departed pets, using the carbon to create a unique gem with a creepy backstory.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
FUNDIES, $9.99.This underwear-for-two is probably not what you had in mind when you told your boyfriend to buy you lingerie.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
POO-POURRI, $24.95.\"Spritz the bowl before you go, and no one else will ever know,\" urge the makers of Poo-Pourri, an all-natural essential oil spray for the loo that claims to trap \"embarrassing odors.\" What\'s more embarrassing — a little bathroom odor or having this sitting on the sink?
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
FISH BOWL BOOKENDS, $32.95.We\'re not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
COFFIN COUCH, $3,500.Who wants to be reminded of their own mortality while vegging on the couch watching Six Feet Under?
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
bestow hand wall vase
BESTOW WALL-MOUNTED HAND VASE, $95.\r\nWe love getting flowers as much as the next girl, but we\'ll take a traditional vase over this eternally outstretched hand.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
CHANEL SANDAL WITH BULB HEEL, $2,200.\r\nThis goatskin sandal with a functioning lightbulb in the heel is one Chanel piece that we\'ll gladly stand in return lines for.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
TICKET TO HEAVEN, $12.79.These tickets are for the trip of a lifetime — heaven. They come complete with a handy travel kit that includes a certificate of your reservation, the Official Heaven Identification Card, and a Heaven 101 informational guide. We wonder what their returns and exchanges policy is.
Gifts We Don\'t Want to Get
holidays, holiday gifts, gifts we don\'t want to get, presents, gift guide
GOLD PILLS, $429.We have nothing against gold — unless it comes in pill form, only to be seen again post-digestion.
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