41 Gifts We Don't Want

November 24, 2010 12:32 PM
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

MICROPHONE TONGS, $12

Pipe-dreaming meets multi-tasking with this ingenious tool: microphone tongs. Now you can indulge in your wildest rock star fantasy while preparing a healthy snack. Besides, the old singing-into-a-hairbrush routine is so '80s teen movie.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

SMOKER MITTENS, $28

Never let the cold weather impede the right to smoke again. Now smokers can pull on these cigarette-enabling winter mittens and suck in as many cancer-causing chemicals as they please in any temperature.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

DOG MUSTACHE, $10

Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier.

Benadictaphone

BENADICTAPHONE, $13.95

A voice recorder shaped like Pope Benedict XVI's head, the Benadictaphone's only redeeming quality is that it comes with a key chain attachment — the kind that's easy to find in the bottom of your purse at 3 a.m. when you've had one or six too many and don't need his judgmental glare.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

AVOIDING SHIPS MANUAL, $82

How to Avoid Huge Ships, a book dedicated to the ins-and-outs of avoiding huge ships, not big ships, or large-sized ships, but huge ships. It has amazing user reviews on Amazon.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

FLYING SHARK, $99

The ultimate science toy: a shark that flies. How has this not been made into a movie yet?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

PET PETTER $8

For those who find pet ownership a stressful and angst-ridden exercise, this device eliminates actually having to touch your pet ever again. Now the only thing you’re responsible for is picking up poop. (Okay, the device is fake. It's actually just a prank box, but, really, who wants an empty box for Christmas?!)

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

BEER CANDLE, $9.99

Remember when you dated that frat guy in college and had to bring your own toilet paper to his apartment when you spent the night? He would totally love this candle.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

BED BUG STUFFED ANIMAL, $9.99

What better to way to guard against the infestation epidemic than by conditioning your children to recognize these offensive critters by having them cuddle with a giant stuffed bedbug.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

TABLET ARM HOLDERS, $39.99

You're at the mall and you totally want to look at your Marie Claire A to Z app, but you brought your clutch instead of your messenger bag! Whoa, calm down, it's cool — you strapped your iPad to your wrist, remember? Close call.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

BANANA GUARD, $14.95

We get that it’s practical, but come on — no one wants to be associated with a good place to stick a banana.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

RETRO PHONE, $49

If a hipster answers his cell via a retro phone receiver attachment in the forest and there’s no one there to see it, is it still ironic?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

UROCLUB, $24.95.

For the golfer and flagrant urinator in your life, there's the UroClub, a golf club that's actually a pee receptacle. And as you'll note in the photo, the UroClub comes with a "privacy shield" (loincloth) to protect whatever dignity one has left.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

FIBER OPTIC HOLIDAY SWEATER, $49.96.

There's nothing better than an ugly holiday sweater to remind you of what the holidays are all about...except for a fiber-optic holiday sweater. Believe us, you'll be the talk of the party with this on. On the plus side, batteries are included!

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

CELL-MATE

There's no gift more thoughtful than what basically amounts to a headset and plants your Zack Morris cell phone to your face. And it looks great, too.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

FETUS COOKIE CUTTERS, $9.99.

These fetus cookie cutters are good for a laugh, but probably a bad gift idea for your mother-in-law. This isn't what she meant when she said she wanted grandchildren.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

SNUGGIE, $19.95.

Also unacceptable: actual Snuggies, ironically gifted or not.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

PUPPY LOVE FRAGRANCE, $44.

Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume...for her dog.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

UNDERWEAR SAFE, $15.

Lingerie is a safe gift, usually...unless it's this safe underwear. Now you can show that you care with stained briefs that act as a safe for money, valuables, and your questionable sanity.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

YOUR VERY OWN STRIPPER POLE, $119.99.

Installing a stripper pole in your bedroom is so last year. This portable pole, on the other hand, is perfect for the modern go-go girl on the go, no?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

BUTTER WARMER, £29.99.

Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt...a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

STEAK BRANDING IRON, $79.95 - $89.95.

When you've run out of things to personalize, the next logical step is obviously a steak brander with your man's initials, right?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

SPRAY-ON HAIR, $13.95.

Nothing says "I care, but only a little" like a product that helps men with hair loss...by spray-painting hair on their bald spots. Who wouldn't want to run their hands through a thick mane of aerosol?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

iCARTA, $89.99.

Let's leave bathroom entertainment at bathroom reading, not listening. Singing in the shower is enough...we don't need to go into a duet with John Mayer while on the throne too.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

MOBILE MASSAGER, $99.95.

We love a massage as much as the next girl, but we're not convinced that a rubdown with "soothing, low-pressure air" will really do it for us. And for some reason, we can't get the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song out of our heads. Odd.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

REJUVENIQUE, $28.99.

Serial-killer mask? No, it's just Rejuvenique, a mask that's supposed to reduce the appearance of wrinkles with the help of a 9-volt battery strapped to your face. On the plus side, it's recession-friendly, and can double as a hockey mask or Halloween costume.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

iPANTIES, $12.

These "slide to open" (huh?) iPanties prove that putting an i in your product name doesn't make it a good idea.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

INFLATABLE FRUITCAKE, $9.50.

The idea of a zero-calorie holiday dessert is definitely appealing, but if you're bringing this blowup fruitcake to your office holiday party, may we suggest bringing an actual, edible sweet as a backup?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

ENLIGHTED BRA, $55 to $105.

You're invited to the party in my bra! Disco ball apparently included.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

NOTHING, £3.99.

When your significant other insists they don't want anything for the holidays, they probably don't mean that they want you to get them Nothing. But this'll teach them.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

BOOTBAG, $69.

Cute rainboots? Sure. A fun bag? Go for it. But a bag made out of a rainboot? Pass.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

LIFE GEM, $2,699-$24,999.

You can't go wrong with diamonds — unless those diamonds are a by-product of recently deceased Fluffy's remains. Life Gem cremates departed pets, using the carbon to create a unique gem with a creepy backstory.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

FUNDIES, $9.99.

This underwear-for-two is probably not what you had in mind when you told your boyfriend to buy you lingerie.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

POO-POURRI, $24.95.

"Spritz the bowl before you go, and no one else will ever know," urge the makers of Poo-Pourri, an all-natural essential oil spray for the loo that claims to trap "embarrassing odors." What's more embarrassing — a little bathroom odor or having this sitting on the sink?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

FISH BOWL BOOKENDS, $32.95.

We're not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

COFFIN COUCH, $3,500.

Who wants to be reminded of their own mortality while vegging on the couch watching Six Feet Under?

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

BESTOW WALL-MOUNTED HAND VASE, $95.

We love getting flowers as much as the next girl, but we'll take a traditional vase over this eternally outstretched hand.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

CHANEL SANDAL WITH BULB HEEL, $2,200.

This goatskin sandal with a functioning lightbulb in the heel is one Chanel piece that we'll gladly stand in return lines for.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

TICKET TO HEAVEN, $12.79.

These tickets are for the trip of a lifetime — heaven. They come complete with a handy travel kit that includes a certificate of your reservation, the Official Heaven Identification Card, and a Heaven 101 informational guide. We wonder what their returns and exchanges policy is.

Gifts We Don't Want to Get

GOLD PILLS, $429.

We have nothing against gold — unless it comes in pill form, only to be seen again post-digestion.