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December 5, 2008

10 New Year's Resolutions We Won't Ask You to Make

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Photo Credit: Taghi Naderzad

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1. To fit into your skinny jeans from high school — the year that you had mono.

2. To go green and conserve water by limiting yourself to no more than one shower a week.

3. To save money by selling any part of your body, moving back in with your parents, or forgoing the morning latte that keeps you sane.

4. To develop a daily exercise routine that consists solely of striptease aerobics, pole-dance cardio, and lapdance bootcamp.

5. To watch less television — the occasional reality show marathon is sometimes necessary to remind you to be thankful that you're not fighting a dozen drunk girls for the affection of an aging, has-been rock star.

6. To get in touch with your spiritual side by pulling a Katie Holmes and joining the Church of Scientology.

7. To volunteer full-time at a soup kitchen or animal shelter instead of going to the paying job you hate.

8. To reconnect with old friends by sleeping with all of your male buddies.

9. To spice up your dating life and save cash at the same time by canceling your health insurance and dating your therapist.

10. To sing as if no one's listening and dance like no one's watching.

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