1. Are you awake?
If yes, why? If no, nice.
2. Do you have anything on your calendar today?
If yes, sucks. If no, return to being not awake.
3. [Some time later] Okay. How's the weather? (Stick arm out window; the internet and apps are not to be trusted.)
If pleasant, consider taking a walk to alleviate SAD and/or boredom and/or to feel slightly better about not having sat quietly all day. If snowy, damp, windy, below 60 degrees, above 62 degrees, too sunny, not sunny enough, or maybe just the right level of humidity to wreck your hair, don't go.
4. Is there food inside?
If yes, don't go. If no, ramen or popcorn or the meal-replacement bar composed of pea protein and non-GMO despair you've been otherwise too scared to eat might do. Or Seamless.
5. Are you wearing pants?
If yes, but you're inside. If no, rad—let's keep it that way.
6. Are you wearing a bra?
Trick question. Has no bearing on decision-making process.
7. Do you want to nap?
If yes, same. If no, proceed.
8. Have you any indoor activities to occupy yourself?
If yes, do them cheerfully, taking periodic breaks to stand by the window like you are in a Folgers commercial. (This is both for maintaining your vitamin D levels and laughing at those fools struggling to un-suction their umbrellas from the wind.) If no, choose from the selection below:
- reorganize closet, pausing to try on clothes too see if they've gotten any less hideous since the last time you wore them or if your body's miraculously changed
- listen to songs that are a little spooky by artists such as Alexandra Savior, Radiohead, and the Reese's Cup jingle
- light all the candles you own, giving yourself a headache from the smells
- stare at wall
- glue rhinestones onto a stock photo to give a small child a Margiela mask (I have never done this)
9. Or, are there any shows you have to catch up on?
If yes, get on it. If no, browse until you find something someone mentioned one time, watch the first 12 minutes of it, then get bored and go tag your friends in some memes instead.
10. Do you feel like going out?
If no, good. If yes, have another think.
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