How to Control The Board Room

Develop your social intelligence

By Rebecca Shambaugh

A key component of political astuteness is something I refer to as social intelligence—the ability to get people to like, respect, and cooperate with you. It comes more naturally to some people than others, but for everyone it is to some extent an acquired art. It’s the ability to be aware of what’s going on around you, and to read, adapt, and engage with others in such a way that they want to align themselves with you. It comes into play during one-to-one conversations, while presenting to a key stakeholders’ group (as we saw in the last case study), in handling difficult situations, or in seeking out the information from the right people to always be tapped into the big picture at your organization.

Below are guidelines for cultivating your own social intelligence.

Learn How to Read Situations
Being able to walk into a room and instantly know what the dynamic is, who is influential, who you need to impress and steer clear of, and what everyone’s individual and collective agendas are is something that heroes like Sherlock Holmes or Robert Ludlum’s Jason Bourne can pull off. In the real world, people who seem to have this great radar are actually just people who have done their homework.

To have situational awareness you have to do the background work. Essentially, you have to take the time to get to know a person well enough that in any situation you can perceive their emotional state, their motivations, their willingness (or lack thereof) to interact, their intentions, and so on. You do this by having formal and informal conversations, reading e-mails, listening during meetings and off-the-cuff interactions, and taking in verbal and nonverbal cues.

Collectively these things tell you who in a particular situation has influence, who has credibility and clout, who has visibility, who is valued, and who is in a position of strength. They can also tell you who stands to win or lose in a situation and how that will determine their likely behavior based on their position, gender, age, etc.

Become Fluent in Nonverbal Cues
People often keep their most telling thoughts to themselves, especially when delivering criticism or bad news to a colleague or boss, or when they think their words won’t have a meaningful impact. This is why it’s important to learn to read nonverbal cues—body language—and meaningful silences that can be the first sign a situation is going wrong, or at least not as you planned.

Consider a woman I was coaching a few years ago who came to me with a situation at work that was troubling her, although she couldn’t figure out why.

In a recent team meeting, she had to explain an upcoming project to her team. She shared that she had spent all weekend putting it together. She also explained that she knew it had an aggressive timetable that would require long hours, and then she asked for feedback. At first the room was pretty silent, she related. People eventually asked a few questions and mentioned a few conflicts with other deadlines but didn’t raise as many issues or push back the way she thought they would. She decided she’d worried too much about getting their support. Afterward, no one said much to her about the project, but she noticed that one of the folks carrying the heaviest load on it had taken to eating at his desk rather than joining the group, so she assumed that this was why she wasn’t getting updates on it the way she did with other projects.

One day she stopped by his desk to ask if he was having any problems and he said, “You don’t see me complaining, do you?” So, she decided he was okay. Still she felt she was in an awkward place. She wanted to know how the project was coming along, but she didn’t want to be a micro-manager. So she decided to just wait until the first milestone date to check in with him. After all, she figured, no news is good news, right?

Obviously she sensed that something wasn’t right, or she wouldn’t have come to me for feedback, but without more information she couldn’t quite figure out what was bothering her. I told her that she needed to “read between the lines” of what was being said to her and look for what wasn’t being said. In other words, are they avoiding looking at you when you speak or they speak to you? Are they tapping their fingers or pens on the table or just seem stressed or anxious when you talk about the project to them; shoulders held in, no smile or enthusiasm projected by their facial expressions, or just seem weary and tired? All of these are body language signals to look out for when reading between the lines.

Tune into Your Empathy
The idea that a high E.Q.—emotional quotient—can be more important than I.Q. gained mainstream currency in Daniel Goleman’s best-selling book Emotional Intelligence (Bantam Books, 2006). This ability to relate to and connect with people is really just a way of adapting empathy to the workplace.

Empathy, of course, is pretty familiar to all of us. It generally means recognizing how someone feels and being able to put yourself in their place. At work, it might mean being attentive to others, adapting your language to your audience, making an effort to see others’ points of view, asking insightful questions, and last but not least, listening actively.

One afternoon, I had to fly to one of Fairchild’s operations in upper New York State for a meeting with our senior human resource team. As luck would have it, there was one other person on that flight, and it was our CEO. We both exchanged a few pleasantries, but beyond that I had no idea what else to say to him. But I had a flashback to my childhood and my entrepreneur father coming home from the office. One day I said to him, “You seem tired. How was your day?” He said, “You know, no one ever asks me how my day was.” And he began to open up and talk about the frustrations and issues on the top of his mind. We connected in a new way and I began to understand and respect his many roles as a businessman.

So I asked my CEO what was on his plate these days and what was keeping him up at night? He smiled, and then to my surprise he shared some of his inner thoughts, hopes, and challenges. This connected us on a whole new level and hearing his perspective on the company encouraged me to talk to him about a major reorganization I was working on that he had a keen interest in—and I was able to present my side of the conversation in terms of his concerns and priorities.

This is still my way of connecting with people on their own ground—by asking questions, finding out where the other person is at that moment, and framing the conversation in a way I know they’ll respond to.

Four Minutes
I once read that you either connect with a person or don’t within the first four minutes of when you meet them. It only takes them that long to decide if they want to stay engaged with you or move on. Moreover, this is even true for people you know well! Here are a few tips for being instantly engaging:

1. Be attentive by focusing on the other person completely without distraction. I think that we forget the importance of doing this because we are so used to multitasking and dividing our attentions. But tuning out all but one thing for that period of time can be both challenging and rewarding.

2. Convey appreciation by saying something to the other person about what they’ve done or by doing something physical—a handshake or high-five is about right at the office. Sometimes it’s as simple as a nod of the head, a note or e-mail of acknowledgment, or a mere “thank you.”

3. Assert affirmation, which means to be true and express your level of understanding and commitment to others. Provide a response in a positive and supportive way.

Develop a Sense of Timing
Sometimes the best idea won’t get heard because people are not ready to hear it. At other times, a person can hesitate to speak up to express interest in something or to raise a question and they lose an opportunity that never presents itself again.

Those nonverbal cues, your empathy, and awareness of context will give you a good idea of whether it’s in your best interest to plunge ahead or hang back and wait for another day to speak.

For example, let’s say you are presenting to your company’s executive committee, and you introduce what you believe is a great idea but get no response—nothing either positive or negative. Are people looking out the window, chatting with each other, and checking their e-mail? Clearly you aren’t grabbing them.

Rebecca Shambaugh is the author of It's Not A Glass Ceiling, It's A Sticky Floor: Free Yourself from the Hidden Behaviors Sabotaging Your Career Success