Nicknames For Our Ex Lovers

May 10, 2008 12:00 AM by Rich Santos | 100 Views,  COMMENTS

Nicknames usually are a bad sign in the dating world.

One day in one of our college dining halls a cute girl approached me and said: “my friends and I call you Soup Boy”. Soup is my favorite food and that dining hall had endless vats of soup and I would go back and forth breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Believe me, it could have been much worse—but I wish I could have a cool nickname like: “Love 'Em and Leave 'Em” Guy, or “Super Hot Guy None of Us Can Have”, or “Horse Boy”.  Here are some nicknames that friends and I have come up with through the years:

Sex Girl

This was my first ever one-night-stand.  In the true spirit of the one-night-stand, I didn’t even know her name.  We met at a frat party, went back to her dorm and had sex.  She was the second girl I had ever had sex with.  When we woke up the next day she said:

“Yeah, I’ve had sex with 11 guys.”

This kicked off months and months of me worrying about having every STD under the sun.  To make matters worse, after leaving her dorm, I got back to my dorm and realized I had forgotten my keys.  My roommate was out of town, so I had to go back!  I rustled my “friend through thick and thin”, Justin out of his dorm. 

“I can’t go back there alone, you have to come with me.”  Yeah, I’m mature.

So Justin accompanied me back to Sex Girl’s dorm and I had to go in, humiliated, and get my keys.  I motioned at the doorway—“that’s my friend Justin.”  Justin, who also felt awkward, had been hiding.  He leaned into the doorway in one motion with a built-in wave: “Hi”.  And then, like a robot, he swayed back out of view.  Terribly awkward—Sex Girl was still lying topless under her sheets.  She was, being somewhat of a hippie, just fine with the whole thing.  It was Justin and I who ran with our tails between our legs whenever we saw Sex Girl on campus.

Devil Woman

I guess my breakup with my second serious girlfriend was not very smooth.  Well, she broke up with me and then said she just wanted sex and, FOR SOME STUPID REASON, I was offended.  My friends, upon hearing this (even some of her friends) joined me in calling her “Devil Woman”, because she was just so confusing...and seemed so evil.

360

My friends and I all loved this girl whose last name was Circle.  Every time she walked by we’d all nudge each other and go: “360, 360”.  It was such an unimaginative name, I’m sure she caught on.  Sadly, nudging one another and saying her nickname is as close as any of us got to actually asking her out.

Ichabod

My friend in college had a thing for girls with big long noses and very skinny frames.  So, when a girl who fit the bill showed up in his life he fell immediately and (as was usually the case) since he didn’t know her name at the time, he called “Ichabod”—for her striking resemblance to the Disney version of the schoolmaster Ichabod Crane from Legend of Sleep Hollow.  Another great thing about nicknames—even after we met her, we continued to call her Ichabod behind her back.  I don’t even think I can remember what her real name is to this day.

F10 Fighter Pilot

One of my best girlfriends from college, Jaimie, was seeing a guy for a few months, and I guess he decided it was time to let it all hang out.  One morning in bed, he let loose with a giant fart that reverberated the walls of the bedroom like an earthquake aftershock.  Jaimie was astonished and recounted the whole story to me.  “And it was like he dropped a bomb,” she said.  “Like a F10 fighter pilot at war,” I said.  A few weeks later they broke up.  He had avoided being called F10 Fighter pilot immediately after the fart—but after the breakup, F10 Fighter Pilot was all he was.  Nicknames are often the one thing we hold onto from random relationships.  But the joke was on Jaimie and I because I meant F-16 (the real American jet)—I have no idea what an F-10 is, come to think of it.

So what are some of the best nicknames you’ve had for guys, and the stories behind them?

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