Some eagle-eyed Twitter users think President Trump somehow forgot that Mrs. Trump was standing next to him at a recent speech in Fort Myers, Florida, which is totally a thing that you would believe happened, honestly. Holly O'Reilly posted a series of video clips in which the President expresses condolences from the Grand Guignol school of public speaking and then says "Melania really wanted to be here" as if she was...not there.
To be honest, it's probably just another strange turn of phrase from our marble-mouth-in-chief, but admit it—you would totally buy it if I said "Melania wore a hat and big sunglasses like a Jennifer Lopez movie character on an undercover assignment and her husband didn't recognize her," wouldn't you?
I mean, I would. I did! I watched that video like "OMG, we've reached full farce. Bring it on! The world ends not with a bang but with a series of door slams, slapstick, mistaken identities, and pratfalls."
Obviously, I'm here for that. I want to live in the world where Melania puts on a baseball cap and sunglasses that probably cost more than your mortgage and suddenly Trump is like "Where's Melania? Who is this new guy in the fetching green blouse?" And then some adviser tells Trump that this guy is "Mel," a new presidential aide. Trump's like, "Good to meet you, dude. I immediately respect you because I perceive you to have a Y chromosome." And then Mel quickly rises in the ranks of the government until finally Trump resigns, telling the American people "There is no better man to run this country than Mel."
It's a classic gender mixup caper. Call it Mr. Doubtclimatechange.
Catherine Zeta-Jones is going to win another Oscar for the musical adaptation Mel/Melania.
I LIVE FOR A REVEAL!
This is great (this is terrible).
What a time to be alive! (I have to say that every five minutes to ensure that I am, actually, still alive. You really never know what with Trump and Kim Jong-Un doing their best Feud: Bette and Joan impressions. Like, enough! Neither of you gets the part. Don't call us; we'll call you.)
Actually, that's an insult to Feud. Reality would never make it as a writer on that series. Even Ryan Murphy would be like "He calls him Rocket Man? On television? In front of the U.N.? Get out; that's too extra. Wait! What if he did it...in song?! And what's this you're saying about the First Lady putting on a baseball cap and suddenly getting paid 30 cents more on the dollar. I'm intrigued."
Anyway, reality isn't being written by Ryan Murphy, apparently, because there is not a showcase part for Sarah Paulsen and it doesn't have any redeeming qualities that will slowly degrade after season three. As you may be aware, the president and Kim Jong-Un have been trading insults back and forth all week so we are either on the cusp of nuclear war or the Sharks and Jets ballet from West Side Story. One never knows, but you should keep your pointe shoes laced up just in case.
The North Korean leader addressed a world audience in English for the first time ever calling Trump "a mentally deranged dotard." A dotard! I have never even heard that word before so thanks so much for schooling me. This is like an episode of Sesame Street but terrifying. Like if every sewer on Sesame Street was filled with It but you still came away with a decent education.
Kim Jong-Un pulled out his Cyrano De Bergerac reads for this one. As a drama queen, I am in awe. But as a person whose lungs like to fill with air, I'm like "Aww. This is going to end terribly, isn't it?"
What a time to be alive question mark.
I want to be screaming with glee about the live-action burn book happening on the news but it does come with the sneaking suspicion that I'll be destroyed by a hydrogen bomb before I get a chance to use all my Plenti points. And I have a lot of Plenti points, so this is a mixed bag for me.
Ah well. There's still time. Mel will save us.