I don't know about you, but I'm reporting suspicious
activity regardless of what the Homeland Security Advisory System states. Whether the threat level is green or red, a bomb is a bomb, and I'm
always going to be on the lookout.
Before disposing of this model altogether, I found a use for
it to outline the stages of a relationship. Under my assessment, I think I'd like to stick to Green this
summer—and maybe move into Blue/Yellow by the Fall. Where do you think you fall on the scale? And, do you have suggestions/additions
to my color level assessments?
Read on for The Relationship Advisory System.
GREEN: Low Risk
This is where most men think they want to be. 3 AM booty calls are the norm. Whoever happens to have cash on them
pays for meals when you hang out. You refer to one another as "friends". You're mostly out in groups if you do end up starting the
night out together. You both feel
that there may be someone better out there, but you're just having fun. There
are no expectations. Going a week
without contact is just as acceptable as being together for 48 straight
hours. Usually Green is short
lived, though gifted couples can stretch it out for months. Sex can be great at green, but
sometimes it is a bit empty.
Risk of Marriage
Hmmm, this person just won't go away. The Blue stage is all about more
intense testing. You're starting
to go on one-on-one dates, taking turns doing what each other likes to do, but
usually pretty casual: dinner, walks, short trips, running errands, attending
parties together, etc. You're
finding out if you're compatible at Blue. No more going more than a few days without talking. Blue can be incredibly confusing as you
both wrestle to figure out what the other is thinking and where this thing may
be going. At Blue, you realize
that your companion hooking up with someone else would be mildly
disappointing. However, it may be
the catalyst for a talk: you admit
that it would bother you more than you thought. Whatever the catalyst may be, you both realize that this
thing is getting more serious. Sex here is getting better—you're getting
familiar with one another and developing feelings.
YELLOW: Elevated Risk of Marriage
OK, so you've strung enough dates together to get to that point
where you're considered together. Yellow is the "gateway level". You're exclusively dating now. Yellow is that amazing part of the relationship where you realize you
are starting to fall. Your mind is
saturated with thoughts of the person and you're giddy every day. Lots of "landmark dates" happen
here: those dates you will both
remember forever, for whatever reason. Can you keep this feeling forever? Big events happen at yellow: you meet parents, borrow one another's
cars, and spend a lot of nights together—and the sex rocks.
Risk of Marriage
Now you've done it. You've left Yellow. Orange
is a tough level. When's the proposal going to happen? The longer Orange lasts, the more
people talk. You're now so
familiar with one another that you're getting really good at pissing each other
off just for shits and giggles. You are now a unit. You
must reply in one line together on an Evite: "John and I will be there". Terrible things are happening—you have
to pick up their Aunt from the airport, attend their sister's boring
graduation, subject your ears to their middle school cousin's orchestra
recital. And while your ears melt
under what sounds like an atonal horror film score you are starting to think of
your friends who are frolicking through the Green level fields under gorgeous
Blue level skies. Other than
Green, Orange is the most likely level where you'll stop seeing someone. Sex is
good, but sometimes used as a tool for power/leverage in the relationship.
Risk of Marriage
So this is it. You've come this far. Somehow you've both withstood the elements and each other to actually
want to get married. Remember,
Orange was just a phase—one final adjustment. Only the nice things from Green, Blue, and Yellow are here:
the amazing giddiness, learning something new about each other every day, and
whoever happens to have cash pays. Red is a continuous challenge and even when Orange rears its ugly head
(maybe you have to attend one of their stupid friend's parties, or spend a
weekend with in-laws) you make it work. Sex is great here, and it makes babies!