I do not get along well with condoms.

The invention itself makes sense: let's create a covering for the penis that will catch anything that would contribute to unwanted pregnancy. Furthermore, this wrapping will help prevent transmission of STDs.

OK, condoms are actually really cool. They help prevent things I'm very afraid of, and they are necessary for safe sex. Hey, even that little reservoir tip at the end of the condom is a nice little nuance-you know they made them without that first!

Someone needs to invent a condom that:

  • Goes on automatically
  • Emulates every day objects
  • Is sold everywhere

Condoms (as we know them) are all about prevention. But the perfect condom would also prevent the following:

Backwards Wrap

Last time I tried to apply a condom I was drunk. After ransacking my drawer as if I was robbing my own bedroom, I finally came up with one of those free-bee "NYC Condoms" that they hand out on the sidewalk. I have no confidence in batteries that are not Duracel or Energizer, so you can imagine my fear when I dredged up the "NYC Condom". Well, once I finally made it back to bed, I attempted to put on the condom, but it simply didn't go on. Finally, I tossed it away and informed the girl that I had "lost my mood". We went to sleep. It took until two days later when I found where it had landed to realize what had gone wrong. The condom was lying there inverted! I tried to unravel it the wrong way. If it's impossible to put on a condom when drunk, than condom application is no different than driving...and I took classes and passed a test for my license.

In Between Size

Nearly every time I've used a condom it's either broken or slipped off. So I'm too big, or too small. I'll assume too big. Or they just don't make them in my size?

Stop the Show!

Every time I get set to put on a condom, it's a huge production. Everything stops. It's like a time out in a football game, or going to the symphony and having the band tell the audience they need to stop to fix something in the middle of the final movement! Can you imagine Beethoven's Ninth, if an orchestra stopped right before the famous Fourth Movement right after the perfect build up?

Where To Buy

Sometimes finding a condom at the spur-of-the-moment is like looking for an obscure B-side recording by an Indie band. I've looked through friends' dad's drawers, my own drawers, and small towns for condoms. Why do I wait until I hear "do you have a condom," before I figure out if I have a condom?

I have to hide all of my condoms. It's just awkward having them out in the open. I have a mental issue-I hide things so well that I forget where I've hidden them. And I can't just put them on my bedside table, wouldn't that look rather assumptive? If a girl sees them sitting out she will think

A. I think I'm getting some

B. I'm getting some with someone else

C. All of the above.

If they could make condoms look like a pack of gum, complete with fake wrapping and everything-like a Bubblicious wrapper, then I could just sit them next to my bed and smoothly reach over when she asks if I have a condom.

I've heard that I'm supposed to let the girl put the condom on me, or whatever. But I need to investigate strategies to make the condom process more "turnkey." Also, I need to plan better-have condoms on-hand so that I can just go right to where I need to go, but-- because I'm anxious on a clinical level-- I fear that assuming success by buying condoms to prepare will jinx that success. And that moment of looking for them will always feel awkward to me...and you know I don't like moving around the room naked!

So, how can I learn to live with condoms? Do you have any horror stories or tips (no pun intended)?

What Do You Think?