Beware Boyfriends Bearing Lingerie

Naked Truths

It was Christmas and I was in love, which I guess explains why I didn't storm out when I opened a gift box from my then-boyfriend to find a thong and $200 cash. Yes, cash.To be fair, the money was for a plane ticket (our romance was long distance) and the hundreds were crisp and fresh, but the unfortunate combination read more "Slip these bills into your G-string and shimmy" than "I love you just the way you are." The style of the thong didn't help: black, high-rise, accented with mesh. He said his brother helped him pick it out.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

When I told the story to my friends months later, after we'd broken up, they seemed to be most outraged about the money. But it was that trashy thong that got to me, and not just because the mesh chafed. He had made it clear that he wanted to see me in more thongs (I was going through a full-seat stage, what can I say?), so he used the gift to get his way. It was just an excuse to make me over, while the cash said, "Oh yeah, and I thought of this plan at the mall yesterday."

Sex is intimidating sometimes, and the pressure to be sexy can lead to awkwardness. In the end, my ex and I were both awkward at being sexy, at least with each other. That Christmas, to be honest, I didn't do much better. Along with a David Gray CD and enough candles to start a wildfire, I gave him a copy of Sex for Dummies wrapped in a pair of flashy gold underwear. Dummies indeed.

Love & Sex
Share
Adventures of a Sex Phone Operator: The Surprising Highs, the Grossest Lows, and the Lesson I Took Away from It All
​I knew the experience might change me—but I didn't realize how much.​
Love & Sex
Share
5 Affirmations for the Modern Dating-App-Using Girl
Repeat until you don't feel like a broken-down, garbage person anymore. ​
Love & Sex
Share
I Tried "Sex Dust" and Here's What Happened
A scientific experiment of the libido kind.​
Love & Sex
Share
​10 Ways Weed Makes Me a Better Girlfriend
On always taking the high road.​
black and white bride
Love & Sex
Share
The Emotional Weight of Being a Wife
​​Why is the maintenance of our relationship my responsibility?​
Multi-colored condoms
Love & Sex
Share
Why It Sucks to Date as a Happily Childfree Woman
​​My male partners assumed that deep down, I *really* wanted kids. ​
Love & Sex
Share
I Made My Stomach Pooch Its Own Tinder Account
And still got all the swipes. ​
Love & Sex
Share
How My Boyfriend and I Finally Learned to Fight
A guide from comedian Nikki Glaser.​
Love & Sex
Share
I Took a Job as a Brothel Receptionist—and Then Got Arrested for It
"Promoting prostitution" is a Class-D felony, guys.​
Marnie's wedding on Girls
Love & Sex
Share
The (Crazy-High) Average Cost of Weddings in America
Elopement, anyone?​