It has come to my attention that dudes can kind of be idiots, sometimes. And that you male people might need to know about THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKE WE CHICKS THINK YOU LOVE US.
So here I go, performing my civic duty. Please, if you have a penis, please listen.
1. DON'T tell us what great mothers we'd make. If anything is going to set off crazy fantasies of how awesome it will be when we live together on a farm with a bunch of babies, chickens, hens and one donkey with a chewed-up ear, it's that. I don't even WANT babies--I don't think--and yet when guys say that kind of thing to me, I practically turn into a slot machine, with images of naked cherubim in my eyes, ready for you to just poke me and the little chillun will drop on out of me.
2. DON'T talk about what's going to happen at our wedding, or what it's going to be like when we get married--even if you're joking. We don't care if you're joking! We don't understand that you're really joking. We will think you're joking because you're so into us you don't want to make yourself vulnerable by being too serious. You dig? It ain't funny! So just DO NOT mention our wedding--unless you happen to have a ring hidden in your hand.
3. DON'T introduce us to your stupid friends. This is nearly as bad, but not quite, as introducing us to your stupid family. This is the kind of thing which we will point out to OUR friends as proof you're really into us. (Of course, your friends aren't stupid and neither are your family members. But we hate you right now, so we're gonna say "stupid, stupid, stupid" as much as we feel like it.)
4. DON'T tell us you've been telling your stupid friends about us, either. This is almost as bad as introducing us to them. It both verifies that you think about us when we're not around, and that you think we're cool enough to discuss with the other mens in your great community of mens.
5. DON'T introduce us to your stupid family. Which I say just in case you aren't reading this carefully, and may have glossed over the fine print of #3. ESPECIALLY not if you do it on a holiday. Like Christmas, you complete and total nincompoop. Do not bring us home with you if you're going to dump us two weeks later--or two months later, on Valentine's Day. 'Kay? Thanks.
6. DON'T talk about the stupid apartment we're going to have when we move in together. If you can't figure out why not, I cannot assist you. Maybe a lobotomy--or a castration--would help.
7. DON'T have sex with us, especially not after we've been on multiple dates with you, unless you think you're serious.We chicks are much more likely to get attached--by approximately A LOT--after sex than you people with your big bad penises are. Sorry. We can't entirely help it. A lot of it is chemical. So please: Save us the misery if you're only out to get laid--and just use your stupid hand, will you?
8. DON't send us, read us, or write for us, poems. (This one being about poetry, I can invert sentences and put direct objects in weird places and stuff.) Do not, to the impediment of our sanity, inflate our emotions with pretty literary baubles.
9. NO mixed CDs either. Especially not with Postal Service songs on them, because that band is so over-rated. And not with anything by Leonard Cohen, or any early Tom Waits, or anything off Astral Weeks by Van Morrison, because that is the kind of stuff that might very well make us think you're cooler than you are.*
10. DON'T borrow our stuff or lend us your stuff. Even if it makes for an awkward moment. Because if you don't, say, offer to loan us that book of essays by James Wood after you've just been singing its glories for half an hour, we'll take that as a sign maybe you're not that into us. (Which, knowing what I know about the likes of you, is most likely a good thing.)
11. DON'T leave your stuff at our place on purpose. Please, try not to do it accidentally either. Be especially careful about your ...
12. TOOTHBRUSHES. Don't give me that innocent look. You know what I mean. We just spent the past month spitting in each other's mouths on a biweekly basis--is it really such a big deal to borrow my Crest Incisor-Polisher until the point we're ready for the "His" and "Hers" sinks?
13. DON'T suggest we go on vacation together. Don't mention a weekend trip either. Especially don't fly us to Amsterdam to keep you company for the week while you attend some conference there because you know we like urban biking and it's such a great country for cyclists and ...
14. DON'T say anything about how we're still going to be hot when we're older. Nothing, please, that will make us think you will still be hanging out with us in the distant future--because that will only happen IF YOU LOVE US FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES AND HAVE BABIES AND DONKEYS WITH US.
15. DON'T tell us we remind you of your mother in any way. You know you're totally Oedipal--and we know it, too.
16. DON'T offer to help us fix our cars, bicycles or to do any other household repairs. Don't come over to kill spiders in our bathtubs when we call you all weepy about it. Don't help us to put up shelves or hang pictures. If it's hard for you NOT to do this stuff because you're actually a nice person, could you please suck it up? Or just tell the girl you're dating, "Doing this doesn't mean I want you to marry me and be the mother of my children and live happily ever after with me until we die--one of a broken heart after the first croaks of natural causes--at which point we will be buried in adjoining plots, with a shared gravestone, and a red fern will grow over us."
If she needs further clarification, direct her right back here. Or just tell her I told you you weren't allowed.
17. DON'T tell us the sex was the best you ever had. Although, I do actually like hearing this. So maybe you could preface it with something like, "Don't let this go to your head, but ..." Or "This doesn't mean I love you or anything, but ..."
18. DON'T ever preface a statement with, "You know, I've never told anyone this before, but ...." Just say whatever it is you're going to say without any preamble that will make us think we're unique in any way ...
19. UNLESS what you're going to say is "... I love you." Which you really, really, really shouldn't say unless you mean it. But if you do, you can begin that sentence however you'd like.
Ladies, what are we missing here?
*But actually, the truth is, no one has better taste in music than I do. Sorry, but it's true.
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