Fleet Week is upon us! For those of you who haven't yet celebrated this days-long fete, it's when the sailors are here in New York City, docked in the Hudson River so that we — here in the city that never sleeps (but may very well sleep with a sailor this weekend) — can pay tribute to them during Memorial Day weekend.
Would you like to pick yourself up a sailor? When it comes to men in uniform, they're at the top of the list. In fact, they may very well be even hotter than firemen — though if you'd like to pick up one of those, I have advice on how to do so. Their naval outfits are certainly better.
So, allow me to make a few suggestions to increase your chances of success when it comes to landing a seaman.
1. Go Where the Boys Are
For those of you in NYC, that simply means heading over to the West Side. Peeps in other parts of the world should check out their nearest port city and take a stroll by the docks.
2. Wear a (Slutty) Sailor Outfit
The men will really appreciate your patriotic spirit...especially if you salute and say, "Aye, aye, captain! Reporting for duty, sir!" If you don't want to go all out, at least put on a pair of bell-bottoms and try something like, "I do things with FLAIR!"
3. Speak Like a Sailor
For instance, if you walk into a bar that happens to be full of sailors, shout, "Female in quarters!" to announce your presence. Or find a way to work the word "skivvies" into conversation. Like: "I purchase all of my skivvies from Victoria's Secret. I never get anything but black thongs. But for you, sailor, I'd wear something with a few stars and stripes." Or try to work in their slang phrase for processed bologna, which they call "horse cock." Maybe try this: "Is that bologna in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
4. Show Them Your Sea Legs
Literally. Say, "I'd like to show you my sea legs," and then lift up your skirt in a tantalizing manner to reveal a little thigh. Follow up by saying, "Okay, now show me yours." Anchors aweigh!
5. Find a Sailor Pen Pal
More seriously, plenty of our men in uniform are on tours of duty, in far-flung parts of the world, working to help keep those of us at home safe — and they can get a little lonely at times. The Website AnySailor.com provides instructions for people who want to send care packages to our troops on the high seas. The site points out, however, that what the sailors ask for most are simply letters. Send one, include your name and address, and chances are pretty good you'll hear back from someone who is very grateful (and probably pretty hot!) that you reached out.
Do you have any tips for winning over a white-suited sailor? Or, have any of you smooched one? This is a sad gap on my kissing résumé: no seamen. But perhaps this week my luck will change!