Advice From Wise Old Sages (Married Guys)

The advice I get from married guys scares me. It's like they are all living as a suppressed population in a far off land, explaining rules that are laid upon their broken spirits by some powerful entity. I guess this is why my married friends see me as a bastion of hope — a maverick of sorts. I'm like pre-labotomy Jack Nicholson's character in Cuckoo's Nest.

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The advice I get from married guys scares me.

It's like they all live as a suppressed population in a far-off land, under rules laid upon their broken spirits by some higher, more-powerful entity. I guess this is why my married friends see me as a bastion of hope — a maverick of sorts. I'm like Jack Nicholson's character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, before the labotomy.

But, there's a scary undercurrent of "join us" in my married friend's advice too. It's like they want me to be part of the suppressed clan so as to rest assured no man out there is actually exercising his free will.

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Here is the latest sage advice I've gotten from my married friends:


You're Never Free of Duty

My brother-in-law stood at the grill on Easter Sunday wondering how he got there. He was adamant, on his way to our house, that he was not going to do any cooking. My sister (his wife) had assured him that he could relax the whole day.

All of a sudden, however, my sister handed him a Joy of Cooking book and said: "You'll need this." When he asked why, she answered: "I don't know, my mom just said you'll need it."

My little sister's job was done, but my brother-in-law's job had just begun. A last minute decision was made by management (my mom and older sister) to grill the meat on the grill instead of using the oven to cook it. After lamenting his plight at the grill he told me: "Don't ever assume that you'll have any peace and quiet when you're married."


Do Not Offer Logical Advice, Because You Will Seem Condescending

A girl I dated came out to my apartment by subway. She didn't ask what stop to get off (she had been over quite a few times), so I figured she knew. She got off at some random stop and panicked. After she found my place and finally simmered down, I fought off the urge to say: "If you didn't know where you were going, why didn't you ask me what stop or look online," but something (a very smart thing) inside told me not to.

When I later told my married friend he said: "Good thing you didn't ask her that. If you ask something logical, you will come off as condescending or rude."

I got an interesting response to a logical question the other day when the girl I'm dating complained about her shoes hurting. I said: "Why did you buy them if they weren't comfortable?"

She looked at me like she was performing quantum physics calculations in her mind. She was a robot that had short circuited because the question was so simple, yet so complex. Ultimately, she didn't even answer the question — she just moved on to other conversation.

What is it that happens to married guys that causes them to impart such sad advice? Do you agree with the things they are saying?

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