Dating Deal-Breakers

MC staffers say the deal is off if he . . .

Is one of the three A's: an alcoholic, an addict, or an actor.

Leaves the table to trade some yen just as your sauteed tilapia arrives.

Incessantly one-ups: "Oh, you did Machu Picchu? Well, I just carried my backpack and my sherpa up Everest."

Exhibits road rage. Or rage of any kind.

Wears bigger earrings than you.

Wears sunglasses indoors.

Has ever worn jean shorts

Announces his intent to save himself for marriage.

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Mispronounces "pinot noir." (Didn't he see Sideways?)

Sweats like Nixon. laughs like Bush, swears like Cheney, or evades like Gonzalez.

Grabs like Clinton.

Is a vegan.

Asks shady, euphemism-laden questions, like whether you're "420-friendly" or if you "like to play."

Studies every line of a receipt as if it were T.S. Eliot.

Smacks your butt and asks the room loudly, "Can you believe that ass?!"

Thinks Imus was right.

Keeps a photo of his "Beamer" in his wallet.

Calls it a "Beamer."

Has anything by Kenny G, Barbra Streisand, or Rammstein in his iTunes.

Names any part of his anatomy.

Tells you that you look thinner with your clothes on. Or off.

Pauses during sex to check his BlackBerry.

Does two shots of tequila at the start of the evening.

Can't stop talking about his wife.

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