1. You need to want more for yourself. I want a nice, funny, smart, ambitious guy who smells good, dresses well, loves dogs, wants to take annual European vacations and will not only watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but will dissect every last detail with me over Chinese takeout. Is that not enough?
2. You can do better. But where is this "better" you're talking about?
3. I always hated him. Why didn't you tell me you thought he was a scumbag before we bought non-refundable tickets to the Bahamas together?
4. He never treated you right. Why are you telling me this now? I was in a blind haze of new love, and it's your responsibility as my friend to pull me out when something's up.
5. You'll find the right person when you stop looking.But if I'm not looking, how am I going to find the right person?! And, how I will recognize this guy, since clearly, the last "right person" turned out to be the wrong person.
6. You need to start putting yourself out there more. Wait, I thought that I was supposed to stop looking?
7. Do you want me to set you up? No, I want you to buy me a giant tub of Ben and Jerry's and watch Nicholas Sparks movies with me. The only men I want to be seeing right now need names that starts with Ryan and ends with Gosling.
8. At least you don't have to go (insert his favorite hobby here) anymore. But I was just beginning to enjoy watching European soccer games at weird hours of the day.
9. He hit on me when you were out of town. And you're telling me about this now?! I'm now sad and really pissed off and I don't know which emotion should get first bidding in my brain.
10. You need to get over it. It's been two weeks. According to Sex And The City, I have half the amount of time we were together. Let me grieve.
11. I'm so glad I don't have to hang out with him anymore. Well, good for you, but last time I checked, this breakup was about me. When you feel like your heart has been pounded into hamburger meat, then we can talk.
12. Oh no! Are you scared you're going to run into him? The only way that's going to happen is when it's on purpose, but looks like an accident. Basically, after I've had a blowout, bought a new outfit, and am meeting some really handsome guy at the bar where this "accident" will take place.