Hon, you're my best friend in the world, so no one's more thrilled than I am that you're getting hitched! And I'm ecstatic that after a decade of friendship, you want me to share this day with you. But the thing is, your Special Day has actually turned into a Special Four-Nights-and-Five-Day Weekend, which happens to be in Aruba, which happens to be several thousand miles away. It'll take me a couple hundred bucks to get there, a couple more to stay at the all-inclusive resort you chose, plus the dress and the gifts and my share of your bachelorette-party blowout — and you know what I get paid. That's to say nothing of the five vacation days — half of my stash for the whole year — I'll drain to attend all of your brunches and rehearsals and showers. But who cares? After all, this is all for you.

Did I mention how happy I am for you guys? I just couldn't wait to run out and get you a fab gift. But you only registered for things like $400 sheets and a KitchenAid mixer, and I know you usually fall asleep on the couch watching Conan and that the closest you ever come to baking is eating raw cookie dough straight from the tube. So it's extra hard for me to bankrupt myself to buy the kind of stuff I know that you, of all people, don't need in order to have a good time. But still, how fun is this wedding going to be?

One more thing: While it's great your parents have been saving since you were 16 to fund your Big Bridal Bonanza, my folks haven't been setting aside an account for me to attend it — or the five other weddings I'm invited to this summer. Of course, your dress is way prettier than any of theirs. Love those rosettes!

I swear, I'm overjoyed for you. I'm elated to celebrate your undying love, and I'm envisioning all the great moments we'll share at your ceremony and reception. I just don't see why our friendship suddenly comes with such a hefty price tag. Can't I just make a killer toast and spot the next round of our favorite, Yuengling and cheese fries? Love ya!

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