The Secrets Men Keep

MC's male dating blogger, Rich Santos, reveals what men really think about sex, dating, relationships, and you. Plus, get more great dating advice!

October 24, 2013 3:00 PM
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What He's Thinking

We like to cuddle. Cuddling is all about mood and ambience. It's peaceful to lie in someone's arms in the dark with great music or even the low buzz of the TV (although that tends to distract me) in the background. It's nice to hear nothing but your lover's breath against the backdrop of the evening or early morning. Holding someone close in bed also makes you feel very secure with one another and the relationship.
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What He's Thinking

We think we are good in bed. Men are taught that confidence solves just about anything. You can be making a total mistake, but as long as you're confident, it will turn out okay. This may explain why we are so clueless at what we are doing in bed, but we act like we know.
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What He's Thinking

Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff. Some people turn into a completely different person when they are drunk. Let the other person learn about you while you're sober, before you get wasted with them. Alcohol should be introduced into the relationship slowly, but if a drink or two takes the edge off, and wine adds romance it's fine. Just don't push it too far.
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What He's Thinking

Heavy makeup is a turnoff. I've always been the type of guy who appreciates a natural look as it is, and when a girl does her makeup well, the results can be magical. But the one thing that should never happen is excessive application: too much, too many colors, or if it's just a botched attempt at a good makeup technique. Seems like as time goes by, makeup makes like the earth and erodes and changes with weathering. There is nothing more ghastly than makeup run amuck in the morning after spending the night together.
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What He's Thinking

We put pressure on ourselves to get married. Women tell me that they feel more pressure to settle down because they can't have children as easily past a certain age. I don't feel pressure in that sense, but I do fear that my appearance and my "game" (not that either are working for me presently) will fade as I get older. It's fun being one of the few guys in my group of friends who hasn't yet found love, but at the same time I wonder what is wrong with me...and I'm trying to decide if time is running out. I'm so far behind, I can't imagine being asked to meet on Sunday for brunch by a girl I've dated for a month, much less having a child or being married.
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What He's Thinking

We want to bail the morning after a one-night stand. Do not linger in bed hung over. I'm foul when I'm hung over, so I am sure others are too. You can't contaminate someone's bed with that. Do everything you can to get home and fester in your own bed. People have things to do over the weekend. Give each other a hug, wish each other well, don't say anything about calling, and don't believe him when he mutters that he will call you.
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What He's Thinking

You'll never understand our sports obsession. I know some women love sports. But are they as obsessed with sports like guys are? I read about sports every day, and go over stats. And I do find myself telling my sisters about University of Virginia and Boston College teams — where they went to school. There is no reason women wouldn't understand or know sports like guys do if they were as obsessed. I just think guys across the board are more sports-obsessed than women are.
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What He's Thinking

You're not the only one who engages in retail-therapy post-breakup. I have shopped during emotional low points. Wearing new clothes makes me feel confident. There is also a social aspect of shopping because you are usually with friends, consorting with other shoppers and salespeople. You've been spending a lot of money on your ex in the past; now it's time to spend some money on you.
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What He's Thinking

Sex in the shower is overrated. I once tried this, but the entire time I was trying to contort my body so that I could get everything inserted correctly. That "up against the wall" variation is tougher than it sounds. The entire shower apparatus is so slippery, and then you have soap all over the place. It's a danger zone. Plus, I do my best to keep my bathroom clean, but I don't think I'd ever want to have sex anywhere near something called "mildew."
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What He's Thinking

We do think you're crazy sometimes, but only because it makes things easier for us. Once I accepted that women were "crazy" (many older guys had insisted they were for years), it seemed to take a huge load of pressure off me. No longer was I trying to rationalize moves that women made that got me into crazy analysis cycles. When I just throw it all out the window and dismiss it as "crazy," it makes it easier to deal. We don't really think women are insane, we just say it so we can be done thinking about their antics and move on.
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What He's Thinking

Leave your baggage at the door. Guys are happy to help out their girlfriends with emotional issues. But if the baggage becomes apparent too early in the relationship, then a guy will probably bail. Also, baggage causes people to put pressure on or damage a relationship, so it may be doomed from the outset.
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What He's Thinking

We are afraid of commitment. Commitment means that I've decided that the woman I'm settling down with is perfect and there is no one else out there for me. Commitment means I've found my soul mate, that I am completely secure with myself, and that there should be no going back. I don't know about you, but all of that is pretty heavy. I think the old adage "Girls mature faster than boys" comes into play here. Commitment is a sign of maturity, and it just takes some of us longer.
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What He's Thinking

Confidence is key in the bedroom. I know if a girl seems unsure of herself in bed, it gets distracting and starts to feel awkward. The best thing to do is to act like you have some experience, and not question anything. I think back to the advice my dad once gave my sisters and me when he snuck us onto the "premium members only" tennis courts at this fancy resort at the beach. While we played, security goons watched closely, and my dad could tell that we were nervous: "Just act like you are supposed to be here, and they won't ask any questions." Sure enough, it worked.
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What He's Thinking

We're insecure about dirty talk. Once I've made it into bed with a girl, no way I'm going to let my stupid mouth wreck things. In fact, we've most likely made it to this point in spite of my mouth. There are so many incorrect things I could say, from weak to gross to just downright bizarre. Last thing I need is to give this girl some material for a girls' night conversation.
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What He's Thinking

Sometimes, we do blame your bad mood on PMS. But if we're smart, we just don't say it. Honestly, sometimes a woman's anger does look hormonal. I have said something to a girl one day that she laughs at, but then a week later she bites my head off when I say the same thing. But I've learned not to make things worse by suggesting that she's PMSing.
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What He's Thinking

We get jealous because we're insecure. If a guy feels like he does not deserve a woman or is not good enough for her, he will become jealous easily and worried that he's going to lose her to another guy. On the other hand, I admit that I have tried to make girls I'm interested in jealous on purpose before.

What He's Thinking

We hate when you try too hard to be one of the guys. It's pretty lame that my buddies and I invent words and languages and then giggle over them like schoolchildren. But what's even lamer: when some outsider tries to use the language, without the ability to contribute. That's what one of my old girlfriends did. My friends and I would discuss how she was trying to speak like us, and it got to the point where I bristled every time I heard her speak one of our made-up words.
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What He's Thinking

We notice what you're wearing. Make sure you cater what you wear to what you're doing. I try not to make a girl walk too much if she's in heels. Also, I've seen girls wear pearls and a nice blouse to trashy outdoor drinking events, or heels to sporting events.
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What He's Thinking

Sex on the beach? We prefer the drink. The sea is very romantic, but I would be too nervous the entire time. There are all sorts of creatures out there. While walking in the ocean I've stepped on some unidentified crustaceous creatures and we've both scuttled along away from one another in fear. Maybe it's safer on shore? No way: because sand gets into everything. It has a mind of its own. Sand makes sex uncomfortable and even painful. My solution is to try to get a place by the beach and do it out on the porch where you can see and hear the waves: Sex at the beach, but not on the beach.
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What He's Thinking

We play hard to get — and we know it. Sometimes, I just act like they have no chance, even though I might like them. I openly flirt with other girls in front of them, and talk about how hot other girls are in front of them. I make myself look really picky and difficult to get to. Then, I get really tender and give all of my attention to this girl who thought she had no chance.
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More Secrets Men Keep

We Check Out Other Women (Even if We're in Relationships)

Sorry, but we notice a hot girl any time any place. Hopefully most of us don't make it obvious, but we check out a cutie when we can. The worst is if your younger sister or best friend is hot, we'll check her out too.

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More Secrets Men Keep

Sometimes We Like Being Told What to Do

One of the reasons we won't commit is because we don't want to be told what to do. But, it's no secret that we don't like to think, and we struggle with details. So when you tell us clearly what to do, how to do it, and map it out for us, we can go about accomplishing a task without anxiety. Also, if we follow your directions precisely and you're still unsatisfied, then you're more unsatisfied with the directions you gave us, and not our execution of the instructions.

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More Secrets Men Keep

We Cry and Have Emotional Moments with Our Buddies

After my little sister's wedding, I talked over my feelings with a few of my guy friends. We might as well have been on the couch watching movies with a bottle of wine with the deep emotional things we were saying to each other. But it happens. And, we do cry — we just try not to do it in front of anyone. I shed tears when I think about old memories, or see something sad on TV, or a song hits me just the right way.

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More Secrets Men Keep

We Are Sensitive About Our Weight

I got measured for a tux recently and when I returned to my office some of my co-workers asked how it went. I replied: "Well, it didn't make me feel fat." Lately, I've been feeling fat because I haven't been able to get to the gym as much as I'd like to, and I see my gut expanding faster than the universe. Even though we think that women are OK with a bit of a guy on a guy, we still worry about our weight. And yes, we do wonder if certain clothes make us look fat.

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More Secrets Men Keep

We Fear Growing Older

This is explicitly linked to our weight sensitivity. As we get older, we gain weight, we lose our hair, we get tired faster, and younger guys look better in our presence. It's especially painful for athletic guys who can't quite do the things they used to do physically. We go through depressions, mid-life crises, etc...until finally we just give up.

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More Secrets Men Keep

We Say We'll Call Even if We Don't Mean It

We always say we'll call, because it's the nice thing to say. It's almost as thoughtless as the "fine" answer when someone asks us how we're doing. Would you rather us say: "Look, I'm not planning to call you?" And sometimes at that very moment we say we'll call, we do mean it, but then after 24 hours we change our mind after sleeping on it.