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January 15, 2014

Deciphering His Text Messages, One Vague Message at a Time

Shocked or just bored by what he's texting you? Our dating expert interprets messages his lady friends have recently received and offers the perfect response.


Photo Credit: Jeff R. Bottari/Getty Images

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Text: Where youz dood?

Besides that two of these words are made up and the grammar in this text is terrible, don't ever talk to this person again. I'm kidding. Sort of. I hate to pull the “He's not that into you” card but I'm getting the impression that he views you more as a pal than a love interest. Even if he had spelled "dude" correctly he is not exerting himself in any way to appeal to your feminine sensibility. If he had said, "What's up?" or "What's going on?" I'd say he might be trying to suss out if you two could get together and be romantic but a "Where youz dood?" is something I wouldn't even text a guy friend.

Your response: If I'm off base and you're dating this guy? Maybe let him know that you would prefer to be treated like a lady: "No 'dood' please. We're dating. I'm at X." If you're hoping he's interested? You could go with, "I'm out with the ladies." That ups the ante in terms of terminology and makes him work a bit harder to try and woo you into hanging out.


Text: Felt like being a flirt. Esp cos I'm supposed to come up to NYC soon

Ah. The age-old "I'm in your town, can we bone?" text. I'm guessing either you have established a flirtation with this gent before this text or hooked up prior to this visit. It's very straight-forward; he wants to hook up. If he had said, "Can I take you out for drinks? I'll be in NYC next month," that might indicate to me that he's hoping to date you long-distance. Here he's being forthright: I'm flirting with you because I hope to see you during this short window when I'm in your city. That's it.

Your response: If you like the guy and are into a fling, go for it: "Glad you hit me up. We should get drinks when you're here." That at least puts a date on the table, so it's not just him assuming he could fly into town and hook up with you. If you're not interested? No need to reply.

Text: Stop thinking about my cock

The guy is cocky (pun intended). This is the pink elephant tactic. It's like if I tell you to not think of pink elephants; all you can do is visualize one. This guy is trying to do the same thing but with his genitalia. I'm pretty sure you weren't thinking about his junk before you got this text but when you did you at least imagined it for a fleeting second. Thus, his text has been successful. The guy is trying to hook up with you, and soon. Likely you will receive an invitation to his place within 24 hours.

Your response: You like the visual that came to mind? "Make me" or "Can't" are both fine. Grossed out because you're not actually seeing this guy? "Ew. Definitely don't want to be thinking about that." It's clear you're not into hearing that sort of stuff from him again.

Text: You're a freak in the streets and a lady in the sheets

In all my months interpreting text messages this one is the most confusing. He's into you and is being playful, sure. But I guess this means he wants a lady in the sheets? He likes that you're tame and docile there? He definitely thinks you're social (a freak in the streets) but is not meaning disrespect by that. He's saying you're fun when you go out together. It might be worth probing to see if he is all for you being a lady in the sheets or if this is him subtly saying there might be something a bit lacking there.

Your response: If you're comfortable with how things are going a simple, "You flatter me so" is playful enough to keep things moving past this bizarre comment. If you want to get inquisitive you could say, "Is that a good thing?"


Lodro Rinzler is the author of 'Walk Like a Buddha: Even if Your Boss Sucks, Your Ex is Torturing You, and You're Hungover Again' and the founder of the Institute for Compassionate Leadership

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