• Give a Gift
  • Customer Service
  • Promotions
  • Videos
  • Blogs
  • Win
  • Games

What Guys Really Think When You Pursue Them

What to do when his "love" is your drug.

Share

 

The thrill of chase—we've all been there at one point. He's intoxicating, infuriating, and more than anything seems impossible to get. He becomes your drug. You pursue him, forgetting how calm, cool, and collected you normally are: You're driving yourself crazy. Why do women with so much to offer torture themselves with men who will not give back? We asked relationship guru Eric Charles, founder of A New Mode, to break it down once and for all.

Marie Claire: Chasing men is more than a behavioral pattern – it’s a mindset. Why do so many smart, successful women pursue men they know don't want the same things?
Eric Charles:
Let's zoom out and look at society as a whole: "Chasers" believe happiness lies somewhere in the future – the payoff for getting whatever circumstance or person they're chasing. Once they decide on a fantasy, they hold their breath until they get it. 

MC: What do you mean by "hold their breath"?
EC:
Chasers believe happiness is trapped in a box and only one circumstance can unlock it. They suffocate any possibility of being happy in the present, because they're convinced happiness lies outside themselves. It's completely insane and ineffective for getting the love you want. You'll resent the man for not giving you the key to your happiness – as if it's his fault. You are not relating to him in the moment but rather treating him as an objective.

MC: How does being chased make men feel?
EC:
I understand the chase can feel like a sincere and genuine pursuit of love. I know all sorts of chasers who say, "I just want him to love me! This is so unfair; I can't believe men are like this." Meanwhile, from the guy's perspective, she transforms from the fun-loving, easy-to-be-around woman into Gollum from "The Lord of the Rings." I'll tie it all up: When people chase, they drain the color and joy from their lives. They suffocate happiness in pursuit of a fictitious happiness they think lies in the future, outside of themselves. As a result, they are hollow and starving for connection and relief.

MC: But what if you do get what you were chasing?
EC:
The temporary sugar-high isn't pure, true happiness. When you think things are going right you’re filled with joy, and it's not from the experience itself. All those positive feelings are actually a very obvious feeling in disguise: tremendous (but temporary) relief.

MC: Does the "thrill of the chase" apply to women the same way it does to men?
EC:
It's a totally flawed idea. Men don't love the chase. "The chase" is typically a woman withholding parts of herself from the guy – as if somehow being inauthentic will lead to a good relationship. Men want to be around women who are happy and fun. It really is that simple. We don't think about relationships as something to plan and analyze, and we don't believe a relationship means anything about us as people. Instead, men pay attention to one thing: Does this feel good right now? If he feels good in the moments he's with you, he's going to want to be around you more. If being around you doesn't feel good, he's going to want to be around you less.

MC: Just telling yourself you're doing it wrong isn't enough. What advice do you have to change "chasing" behavior? 
EC:
All you have to do is realize your happiness is the most important factor in reaching his heart. Once you realize that, all the nonsense, drama, and fantasies fall away because they simply don't work. If we're talking about men and long-term relationships, I can tell you on behalf of all men: We want to be with a woman who brings happiness to the table instead of looking to the outside world to make her happy.

 

Related:

6 Tips to Take From the Office to the Bedroom

7 Signs the Guy You're Seeing is Boyfriend Material

10 Ways to Spot a Commitment-Phobe

20 Signs He's in Love With You 


Share

post a comment

Connect with Marie Claire:
Advertisement
horoscopes
daily giveaway
One winner will receive a year’s supply of makeup products from Lancôme ($389) and a year’s supply of hair products from Garnier Fructis ($90), as selected by the Sponsors.

One winner will receive a year’s supply of makeup products from Lancôme ($389) and a year’s supply of hair products from Garnier Fructis ($90), as selected by the Sponsors.

enter now
You Know You Want More
Special Offer
Link Your Marie Claire Account to Facebook
Welcome!

Marie Claire already has an account with this email address. Link your account to use Facebook to sign in to Marie Claire. To insure we protect your account, please fill in your password below.

Forgot Password?

Thanks for Joining

Your information has been saved and an account has been created for you giving you full access to everything marieclaire.com and Hearst Digital Media Network have to offer. To change your username and/or password or complete your profile, click here.

Continue
Your accounts are now linked

You now have full access to everything Marie Claire and Hearst Digital Media Network have to offer. To change your settings or profile, click here.

Continue