Dearest lovelies ...
As some of you who have been reading this blog for a while know, I'm lucky enough to have a plethora of very good, very smart, very sweet guy friends, many of whom I have duped into revealing the secrets of the male race. But I didn't spend this many years being a spy in the world of men for my benefit alone. Of course not. Female readers, I did it for YOU! And now I'd like to share some of the best lessons I've learned about how the very mysterious MALE BRAIN works.
(Male readers: If there are things you'd like to add--things we chicks don't know about you, but should--please make a comment.)
ON WHY GUYS SOMETIMES ACT LIKE THEY LUUUV YOU ... UNTIL BOW-CHICK-A-WOW-WOW
"Guys don't mean to lie to you in order to have sex with you," says one male friend, a very handsome and charismatic man in his 30's whom most of my lady friends usually have a crush on. "But sometimes, our brains misfire when our you-know-what's are hard. There are all sorts of chemicals floating around inside of us that make us believe we DO love you--and a lot of times, we might act like we do UNTIL we finally get you into bed. After we get laid, though, we often realize, oops, maybe not. Which is kind of an argument for waiting to have sex till you know a guy pretty well."
ON THE LEAST ATTRACTIVE THING ABOUT WOMEN
"Insecurity is the biggest turn-off of all," says one friend in his late 30's who is quite chivalrous and incredibly sweet. "When I do something nice for a chick and she asks me coyly, 'Do you do that for all the girls or am I special?' it's very unattractive. Or when I compliment her on her body or looks and she deflects it in some way, or tries to milk specifics out of me, or acts like I'm just flattering her? That's also not good."
"We like it when you snore because it makes us feel less bad about our snoring," says another man in his late 30's, who has sleep apnea.
ON BEING NEEDED
"I'm the kind of guy who really likes to be needed," says one very attractive struggling artist type in his late 20's. "When I feel like I can add something to a woman's life, and she really appreciates me, that's a big part of the attraction."
ON WHY THEY DON'T ADD A GIRL AS A FACEBOOK FRIEND AFTER MEETING HER AT A PARTY
"It's not because we're insecure or worried you don't like us or something. 9 times out of 10, if have a longish conversation with a woman and don't follow up in some way, it's because we're just not interested." This comes from a very handsome friend of mine in his 40's who comes off as incredibly shy, perhaps even to the point of being socially clueless. He is exactly the kind of guy who would make a woman say to herself, Hmm, maybe he liked me, but he needs a little encouragement.
Another male friend of mine--who is very successful, also handsome, and comes off as incredibly confident--tells me: "I never add a girl as a Facebook friend first, especially if I like her. I don't want to seem over-eager!"
"Don't make it easy for us," says a handsome over-achieving friend in his early 30's. "Respond to the first three texts but then ignore the fourth. Be the one to end a phone call. Tell us you'd love to see us but can't do it till later in the week. Guys are competitive, and we like having to work to get something."
ON YOUNGER GUYS GOING FOR OLDER WOMEN ONLINE
"If a really hot younger guy who seems to have his act together is on a dating site, he's probably mostly looking to get laid," says a friend in his early 30's who doesn't have any trouble getting laid himself. "Those dating sites are a little like being at fruit stand. You have an abundance of tasty choices! You think, 'Oh, there's a nice peach, I think I'll have that. And I'd like that grapefruit, too. And maybe I'll take an apple while I'm at it!' You shop around, and have a little of everything."
ON BEING BUSY
"If we like a girl, we make time. Simple as that. If we keep talking about how swamped we are, that's a red flag."
All right, lovelies? Let me know what you all think.
PS: Last week was the unofficial "Week of the Mens" over here at Maura Kelly HQ. I've got a theme for this week, too, but I think I'll hold off on being explicit about what it is till tomorrow.
PPS: I'm hopped up on painkillers today after a workout gone awry over the weekend--I am in need of a buttock massage, seriously, so if there are any volunteers out there, please let me know. I'm guessing it's all the ibuprofen that's making me feel so out of it today. Either that or the fact that the weekend was so busy that my fridge is woefully depleted of food, so that I just had pasta with sun-dried tomatoes and capers for breakfast. ... I just went outside to move my car, wearing nothing but a full-on plaid-flannel pajama tuxedo that caused some major visual pollution on this otherwise lovely Brooklyn brownstone street. I'm surprised I didn't get a ticket for a fashion violation. Anyway, the point is, I apologize if I am not quite up to my usual level of sassiness.