Sex and the Single Guy Blog

Even though I got an "F" in Advanced Biology my senior year of high school, the class left me with memorable lessons.  One lesson relevant in the dating discussion is the idea of symbiotic versus parasitic relationships. 

A symbiotic relationship includes two organisms that both benefit from the relationship.  Parasitic relationships include organisms in which one organism benefits, but the other is harmed.  In the perilous world of dating, parasitic relationships occur quite often.  

In a parasitic relationship, people use other people to get what they want.  Of course that used person ends up getting hurt in the process, even if it's shame or feeling bad after the cat's out of the bag.

Here are common ways that people are used in dating:

Used For Sex

Men are usually the ones who are guilty of this offense, but it can go both ways.  It's rare for you both to be OK with using each other for sex.  We may say we can do it, but at some point doesn't human emotion figure in for at least one person in a situation like this?

The stars must align perfectly for me to find a girl attractive.  Perhaps I'm too picky, or perhaps I'm not lucky enough to meet  great women.  

I recently met a girl who made an impression on me.  She was waiting tables where I was watching the Ravens game.  Here are the things that made this girl attractive and memorable:

She Made An Entrance

When I saw her walk by, I looked at my friends, wide eyed, and mouthed "wow" to them.  It was like I saw a natural wonder for the first time, after imagining how it would look in person many times...but I was still overwhelmed when I actually saw it.  She had that "glow" about her that only certain girls have.

She Fulfilled My Shallow Appearance Checklist

Dark hair, petite, dark intense eyes, and lots of smiles.  She also had great style; girls look great in boots.  She pulled off the look.  I remember her hair the most; it was so perfect, she could have been in a shampoo commercial.

I Had To Talk To Her

Some unknown force was pushing me to talk to her.  I usually don't try, even when a girl is super cute.  She looked unapproachable, and I just knew whatever I tried would be stupid.  While talking to my friend about apartments, I was pleasantly surprised.  She said: "Excuse me I couldn't help but overhear you're looking for an apartment.  My boyfriend is in real estate.  Would you like his card?"  Hey, I didn't say this story would have a happy ending. 

Most people hate games, but there may be times when playing games is actually necessary.  While games in an established relationship are silly, they can be beneficial in a fledgling relationship.  At their worst, games are tools of manipulation, but because it's so rare for people to be up front, game-playing is an accepted necessary evil in the following situations:

Games Played to Hone Your Game

If you're not a game player at heart, forcing yourself to do some game playing here and there will rescue you.  Those of us with our hearts dangling from our sleeves could benefit from playing games once in a while.  I used to think the honest approach worked:  let the girl know I'm into her, wait the required 2.5 days to call her, ask her on date #1, then date #2 and so on.  Be up front about my interest and don't confuse the girl.

But there are many romantic comedies that feature the smooth character helping the clueless character figure out the ropes of attracting the opposite gender.  A little game-playing can help the "too honest" person in love.  It injects some coolness and aloofness into a too-honest game.

You don't have to be a total jerk, but a game here and there might even out that person with their heart on their sleeve.  It's just like breaking a bad habit:  you don't change yourself completely, you just discipline yourself.  In this case, a game might add some discipline.

We can all agree that Heidi Montag has some mental issues, given her obsession with plastic surgery.  Body enhancements are interesting because they are physical changes that can be brought on by a mental state or temporary mental phase.

For example, a girl in our office was trying to break up with her boyfriend, but she was struggling with it, and never did it.  During this period, she dyed her hair.  I thought nothing of it, but another female in our office noted that this girl was having trouble making a big change in her life, so dying her hair represented an easier change.

I admit that I feel more confident when I enhance my appearance by wearing my stylish (and incredibly uncomfortable) skinny jeans.  There are many reasons women may want to enhance:  to rebel, to change a stagnant lifestyle, for revenge (maybe an ex hated piercings for example), to feel more beautiful, to increase confidence, etc.  I'm much more in to the natural look, so there aren't many enhancements I think are attractive.

Here's a list of enhancements and my thoughts:

Off Season Tan

I agree that a nice tan is sexy.  But it's a little strange, at least here in NYC, when a girl is bronzed in the middle of January when it's 10 degrees out.  Fake tanning is unhealthy, and I think someone is trying too hard when they set aside significant time and money to get a tan even though the majority of people in town are not tan.

The other day I stumbled upon (disclaimer:  my sister handed me the magazine when I was over at her apartment) a People Magazine article about The Hills' Heidi Montag's "obsession" with plastic surgery.  Not only were the pictures scary-- she's transformed herself into a completely different looking woman-- but some of what she had to say was quite alarming.

Heidi is just 23 years old and recently went under the knife for ten different plastic surgery procedures.  If you take a look at before and after pictures, she looks like a completely different woman.  Personally, I'm much more of a "natural look" kind of guy.  In fact, little imperfections in a woman's appearance can be endearing and attractive.

I've been thinking about some of the things Heidi said regarding her surgeries, and I wanted to share my thoughts:

"I'm in a different industry..."

This implies that acting is based on appearance.  This can be true:  some actors get by on their good looks much more than their acting skills.  But, it seems that her statement is an excuse.  If a person with a passion for acting could be:  A.  an average looking Oscar winner or B.  A gorgeous actor with average acting skills, I would hope they chose the former.  Heidi's actions don't show an obsession with acting, they show an obsession with how she looks.

Most guy-girl friend duos were once complicated because one person had a crush on the other person.  In fact, many of my friendships with women (before I started working) developed because I was attracted to them.

If you’re not able to date someone, there might be the option of remaining friends.  But sometimes this isn’t easy.  Here are reasons why it's tough to be friends with a crush:

It’s So Easy
Isn’t this how love is supposed to be?  You get along so well, you make each other laugh, respect each other.  You can call them five times a day and they won’t think you’re psycho.  You can tell them anything.  Well, of course it’s easy when you’re just friends, because there’s no pressure and no sex.  The easier things are between you, the easier it seems to take that next step.  But it’s frustrating that you can’t just do it.

I’m afraid to to fly because I am giving up the control of my fate to a pilot and a gigantic piece of machinery that I can’t believe can rise 35,000 feet into the air. 

I’m the same way in love.  It’s not that I’m a controlling psycho who wants to possess another person.  It’s more about being in control of the situation and fear of leaving things up to fate.  I drive myself crazy with anxiety waiting for a callback or wondering what a girl is thinking. 

Control comes in many forms, and shifts back and forth depending on actions and timing.  At any point in the relationship, you might ask yourself:  “who is in control here?”  Here are a few types of control within relationships:

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

It’s tough out there for guys because we have to woo, court and convince women to go out with us.  Most of the time, they are the ones making the ultimate choice of whether we will date.  Guys are just salesmen hoping the woman will buy their product.  Sometimes the roles are reversed, but overall women are the ones who have the final say.

I Give Up And Admit I Like You

During the “dance” it takes a while for one participant to admit they like the other.  It’s part of a game where neither person wants to show their cards.  And the first person who shows their cards is vulnerable, at the mercy of the other who still hasn’t admitted anything.  You never want to give up control by admitting you like someone too soon.  It’s a helpless feeling when you do.

If you've been reading about my misadventures for a while, you know that I'm not good at honoring my New Years resolutions.  I've decided that my past resolutions are too tactical.  For example, I pledge to approach more women, to be more fearless, to embrace rejection, etc.  

But this state of mind requires confidence, which needs to be built.  So, my resolutions this year are based on improving myself personally which will lead to more confidence, which will lead to me approaching more women when I'm out...in theory.

If I've built my confidence from the ground up, I approach a girl with true confidence, instead of faking it.  And, with more of my life in order, perhaps I'll be on a more mature level, able to date healthily.  

Here are the resolutions I made for 2010 that I hope will build my confidence:

Do Something Productive Every Day

This can be something very small.  Even if I play guitar for 10 minutes to stay sharp, it will suffice.  Of course there can be full productive days where I'm fixing things, cleaning up, and improving myself instead of just lying there and watching TV, sinking further and further into the couch.  It's strange that I get depressed when I don't do things, yet I fall into inescapable cycles of laziness.

It's so easy to fall into bad habits like falling for the same person twice, or making out with them in a moment of weakness after you've had a falling out.  It's comfortable, familiar, and easy.  And sometimes you just want to prove to yourself that you can do it again, or that you still have that power over them.

I think it's a mistake to hook up with your ex in most instances.  It's hypocritical for me to take that stance, considering my parents split up and then got back together again.  But their situation involved marriage vows and children.

Here are the reasons I don't think making out with an ex, or getting back together with an ex works  out:

Can't "Make It Like It Used To Be"

It's usually the beginning of the end when you ask yourself why things don't feel like they used to.  You work together to try to make things the way they were, but the magic is gone and things have run their course.  I've had relationships in which I went to sleep one night totally into it, only to wake up the next morning wondering why I didn't feel the same way.

Sometimes fights and arguments turn things sour.  I had one girlfriend that I started arguing with, and it happened every time we saw one another.  Suddenly we were adversaries when, in the beginning, we were giddy buddies who were attracted to each other.  Once we crossed that threshold, there was no way to make it that way again.  Even with time after a breakup, it's hard to get back together with someone and get that great feeling back.

This is a continuation of the previous blog about my sister's boyfriend meeting my family for the holidays.  Here are some more of Jake's adventures:

Our Night Out

I knew Jake had to work off some steam at some point.  Earlier that day, I saw him, sans my little sister, watching TV with my brother in law. My sister had gone out, leaving him at the house alone with our family.  I thought to myself:  "How does anyone do this?  And why would anyone want to do this?"

That night, we met some high school friends out, a whole new stressful situation for Jake.  One of my sister's friends brought her boyfriend along, and Jake and this guy really hit it off.  They were like two countrymen in a foreign land that found one another and immediately felt comfortable and familiar.  Like Jake, this guy worked in finance, and- like Jake- he had put in a lot of family time for the girlfriend.  At the end of the night we literally had to pry the two of them apart, and they yelled out that they'd email one another as they walked in seperate directions.

Joining my wacky family for the holidays is a tough proposition for any outsider. We have traditions, sibling rivalries, and many strange activities to worry about each year.  The best way for a newcomer to handle our family around the holidays is to remain fluid and let the rough surf take you where it may.

This year, my little sister's boyfriend Jake joined us for a few days.  I must say he did a good job handling the challenges.  Here are some highlights:

The Awkward Gift Moment

On Christmas day, I realized I might have been required to buy Jake a gift.  My policy is:  once you're in the family you get a gift from me.  I yelled across the room while opening gifts on Christmas morning:

"Jake, please tell me you didn't get me a gift."

My sister fessed up for him:  "well, it's not that big a gift."  Awkward.  I jokingly told Jake I "didn't know we were doing gifts this year."

My friend recently lost her guy friend because of his jerky behavior during their on-again off-again romance. Because they have mutual friends, she's done her best to avoid him by skipping certain social engagements.  But she just told me her New Year's resolution was:  suck it up and realize that she was going to see this guy from time to time.

If the wounds are still fresh, running into your ex is traumatic. Even if you know in advance you'll see them, there's time to build anxiety.  If you run into your ex randomly, it's equally traumatic because you had no time to prepare. 

These tips will help you manage the situation next time you see your ex:

Make the First Move

The more time you spend avoiding each other, the more awkward it gets.  So, cut to the chase and approach your ex and make a little small talk.  Don't go in there to yell at them for all the bad things they did. Just ask how they've been doing, and be polite.  You'll look like the mature, confident one in the process.  Every time an ex has approached me, while I was being immature and avoiding her, I've felt impressed, relieved, and angry at myself that I lacked the courage to approach her first.

As I wander through the city, I'm struck by the holiday decorations adorning store fronts and interiors of restaurants.  The tree in Rockefeller Plaza and lights in all the neighborhoods provide a romantic backdrop for dates...if I had a date.

My lack of fun dates so far this holiday season hasn't stopped me from brainstorming fun holiday dates.  Here are a few ideas:

Holiday Movie Night

There are plenty of holiday movies to go with:  holiday hijinx like Christmas Vacation, classics like A Christmas Story, or Miracle on 34th Street, or my favorite:  Claymation Rudolph.  Whatever you choose, the holidays are a great time to curl up by the fire and cuddle up for movies.

Ice Skating

Rockefeller Center's outdoor rink is the rink to try out in NYC.  Personally, I find the outdoor rinks more charming than the indoor rinks, but either way it's fun because most of the time at least one of you can't skate worth a lick.  Also, ice skating is an excuse for public display of affection-wary people like me to hold hands.

Selecting the right gift for your significant other is difficult because there are many factors to consider to avoid awkwardness.  You should avoid risk, and communicate openly about exchanging gifts.  If you  "wing it," you might make a mistake.

Here are some do's and donts for shopping for your significant other during the holidays:

Do NOT use "controversial" packaging.  An example of controversial packaging is putting something significantly cheaper, or something other than jewelry in a recylced Tiffany box.  You give them the idea that something expensive is waiting inside, so they're disappointed when it's not what they expected.  My biggest error was giving a girl clothing in a Lane Bryant box I found.  I didn't get it at Lane Bryant- in fact, I didn't even know what Lane Bryant was.  I certainly learned what it was the day the girl opened the gift though.

There are many circumstances that create the perfect storm for a deep, committed relationship.  In addition to compatibility you need good timing, luck, and both parties must be willing to commit.

There's no secret formula for getting someone to commit -- I'll try to figure that out in another blog.  But if you're hoping to have more "relationships" instead of "casual dating" in 2010, here are some pointers to get you where you want to go:

Communicate More

You might be heading into a serious relationship without even knowing it.  It's tough to know it if you don't talk about it, or say how you feel.  Of course, this kind of conversation should be strategic and well-timed.  But if you both continue dating without acknowledging verbally that things are getting deeper and more intense, you're just treading water.  Make sure you both are on the same page; this is a key component to taking the next step from dating to relationship.

The funny thing about "hitting on" a woman is that, while we guys are often the aggressor, we usually fake:  confidence, looking like we are in control, and "smoothness."  Internally, there's a storm of thoughts in my head that are not only comical, but should be enough to boost your confidence any time a guy hits on you. 

Knowing what we are thinking might put you at ease.  Here are the thoughts running through my head as I approach and hit on a girl:

Do I Look OK?

As I'm approaching a girl, I'm wondering if my hair is flopping strangely (even though I'm constantly fixing it), if I have any "crust" on my nose or mouth, or if my fly is down.  I run through this checklist in slow motion as I'm walking toward her.  Even while I'm talking to her, I'll mentally run through all the things that could be wrong with my appearance.  I'll fail quickly if I'm not looking good.

My move to Brooklyn is so well-timed because it's close to the new year. With my new apartment comes a new commitment to cleanliness, and giving it the appearance that I've "made it" (little tricks like having lighting specifically for artwork on the walls, a spice rack, etc.).

In light of my new apartment, I've considered how to start off or "restart" a relationship in the new year. Perhaps you can use the new year as a springboard for change that will make your relationship longer-lasting and more fulfilling. Here are some suggestions for starting your relationship off right in the new year:

Avoid Holiday Letdown

It's easy to get wrapped up in the holiday spirit, and the romance of the decor and festivities. During the holidays, dating is fun, and you're out and about quite often. You shop together, exchange gifts, take walks, and do plenty of other holiday activities. For me, everything comes crashing to a halt on January 2nd as I trudge to work with a holiday hangover in the freezing cold. It's easy to recoil and hibernate until spring.

But if you can keep up the energy level, brainstorm fun activities, and spend time with your significant other, you'll get each other through the cold winter. Also, it shows that you were not just into "seasonal dating" if you remain enthusiastic beyond the holidays.

My friend recently told me a bizarre "dating story".  Back in college, he and his friends witnessed their friend through a cracked door when he couldn't get it up.  They peered through the opening and witnessed their friend pointing and yelling at his penis like a military instructor:  "Come on, get up!  You get up!"

The next day the guys asked their friend how his night was with his girlfriend.  He shrugged his shoulders and said: "eh, it was OK."  Of course, their friend glossed over the details of the evening.  No guy wants to admit he ever went soft.

My defense is to throw it all out in the open.  It's gotten to the point where I'm with a woman and the end of the night, but I know I will probably not "perform" effectively because I'm wasted.  If she wants to come home with me, I'll caveat the event:  "OK, but I've been drinking so not sure much is going to happen down there."  I guess I'm preparing her for the worst, but  warning a woman that I won't be able to get it up is probably the worst closing move ever.

 Here are some pointers about guys and their vulnerable state when they go soft: