Is It Still "Good Sex" if You Don't Have an Orgasm?

My friends, family, and co-workers say I should be more goal-oriented. It is true: I'm a bundle of unorganized energy without much direction.

Actually, my goals are both vague and simple. I live life to fall in love, have fun, and laugh. However, I can't translate these lighthearted goals to sex.

For me, sex is not fun for many reasons. One reason is I pressure myself to bring a woman to orgasm. If I don't bring a woman to orgasm, I feel like I've failed her...especially if we are in a serious relationship and I continuously fail to bring her to orgasm. Striking out on a one-night stand is one thing, but when I'm consistently failing the same girl I care about, it's a major disappointment.

There are a few beliefs about orgasms that make it a pressure cooker:

An Orgasm Is Necessary for Good Sex

Anything less might be fun, but still a failure. How is it fair that a guy gets to have orgasms all the time so easily while women don't have them as often? In my world I'm constantly trying to achieve balance so both parties should be complete after sex.

I Don't Even Know When She Has One

It's so unfair that women can fake their orgasms for clueless, unsuspecting fools like me. I can't tell the difference between a great actress and a girl in the throes of an awesome orgasm.  So, I could be failing the entire time I think I'm succeeding or (better yet) I could be succeeding even though I don't even know it.

I Bet Other Guys Gave Her One

Once I'm consistently failing to deliver orgasms for my girlfriend, I assume her exes were dashing orgasm wizards, capable of conjuring these orgasms out of nothing. So, that just makes me inadequate in the end, and she probably thinks of her orgasm-capable boyfriend while I'm bumbling around in bed with her.

I Must Time Mine with Hers

Most guys screw up by achieving orgasm too early. This deflates a sexual encounter like a party crasher. I'm great at procrastinating important things like work, but I can't procrastinate my orgasm for the life of me. The pressure builds while I try to hold onto my orgasm, waiting for hers to happen — and of course I'm never really sure if/when she's actually had one.

I was speaking to a female friend who told me that she thinks sex is bad for a guy if he doesn't have an orgasm. From a guy's point of view (and I'm afraid that I'm not a normal guy), I feel so lucky to be doing anything remotely sexual with a girl, an orgasm is the last thing on my mind. Plus, I can honestly just give myself an orgasm in five minutes if I really need one. While it might be impersonal, it still gets the job done in a pinch (or a squeeze?).

I don't expect a woman to give me an orgasm during sexual activity; I've only achieved orgasm twice in all of the times I've had sex. Basically, we just go for a while until we tire. I guess that's not great sex, but I'm never disappointed with a woman because I can't have an orgasm.

I'm disappointed with myself for not being able to give her an orgasm. I'm happy with a great kisser, nice moments, and an overall feeling of intimacy. I've given myself orgasms much more often than I've actually connected spiritually and mentally with a woman.

I guess the "healthy" thing to do is to work on it together and accomplish great things together sexually. But really, who is lucky enough to be "healthy" these days? I know I'm not.

So back to you. Is "good sex" all about the orgasm? Or is it more holistic, based on a bunch of factors? What if everything else goes great, but you don't end up having an orgasm? Is it just a disappointment, or is it bad sex?

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