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Why Do We Have One Night Stands?

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Why Do We Have One Night Stands?

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XavierWhat is the purpose of the one-night stand? Does it accomplish anything? I don't condone one-night stands; for me they've led to awkwardness, and self-loathing (of course I'm filled with self loathing without sex in my life, so what's the difference?).

I'm reluctant to accept "I was drunk" as the sole reason for a one night stand. Alcohol contributes to risky behavior or clouds judgment. As a depressant, it also enhances negative emotions. In light of this, there are temporary mindsets we should not mix with alcohol--mindsets that make us more vulnerable and prone to a one night stand.

Here they are:

Lonely Mentality

Sex can seem like a quick fix for loneliness. It's not that we feel validated when we have sex, but it is nice to know that we are attractive. That physical and mental intimacy, while fleeting, is nice in the moment. Unfortunately, though, when that person leaves your life, your loneliness intensifies.

Vengeful Mentality

It's pretty twisted, but sex can be used for revenge. Sleeping with that jerky ex's best friend, or some other "strategic" person to hurt someone else is the M.O. However, using people to hurt other people will only lead to a bad outcome.

Risk-taking Mentality

You know those periods in your life you're more inclined to take risks? Sex is sometimes risky behavior, along with drugs, alcohol, etc. It's unhealthy to take risks that impact the body and mind, but it's also thrilling.

Desiring Mentality

It's not always mental. Sometimes you just want to get laid. Unfortunately, for me, when I want to get laid, I don't. When I don't feel like getting laid, suddenly opportunities abound.

Liberated Mentality

You think you're over your ex, so you run out and exercise your rights to freedom. But if you're going to an extreme, such as having a one night stand, to prove you're over someone, then you are probably not really over them.

Closing the Loop Mentality

There are some people in your life with sexual tension. Things should have happened, but circumstances didn't permit at the time. All of a sudden, you've got an opportunity and you both know you have to do it. It's all about getting it out of your system.

I've had three one night stands in my life. They can all be traced back to a mentality above:

  • College - Freedom Mentality/Revenge Mentality - I had just broken up with my first serious girlfriend and I met a random girl at a party and slept with her, partially because I was free to do so, and partially because I wanted to (pun intended) stick it to my ex.
  • Italy - Risk-taking Mentality - Living abroad in Italy for two months, "what happened in Italy stayed in Italy". This was the most random encounter I ever had with a girl from Xavier University. That's the only thing I knew about her, that she attended Xavier.
  • High School Friend - Closing the Loop - I ended up having a one night stand with a girl I had dated in high school years later. We flirted for years and finally got the whole thing out of our systems.

The mindsets outlined above are about vulnerability. When we go away from home, feeling lonely, or just got dumped, the vulnerability feeds the one-night stand mentalities. The alarming thing is that there are guys out there who know how to sense this mindset in a woman. They intentionally look for vulnerable women with sex in mind, but no intention of dating or communicating afterward.

The other ingredient, of course, is animal attraction. But this attraction lives in us every day. We only act upon it when our mentality dictates it. So, I contend that a one night stand is 90% mental, even though it's a physical act.

I have outgrown one night stands. Sex without connection, laughter, love, compatibility, and mutual experience is empty. This explains why it's awkward the next day when everyone comes back down to earth.

Do you agree that one night stands are mostly mental? What mentalities would you add to the list, and what kinds of experiences have you or your friends had with one night stands? Did you ever have any that turned out well, or didn't lead to negative self-perception?

Hey! Please follow my Twitter: twitter.com/richravens

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