Science Confirms Jamie Dornan Will Never Live Up to the Christian Grey of Your Imagination

I mean, the poor guy has six million years of evolution to contend with.

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Sometimes the universe cooperates and shows you one photo that perfectly sums up what science has concluded from analyzing billions of pieces of data: 

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It's true! Hotness is not enough, not even when it's shirtless Jamie Dornan crawling toward you in a way that's practically shot for those virtual-reality goggles technology should have provided us by now.

Researchers have found that words turn women on more than pictures—that is, we like reading about sex more than watching it. Neuroscientist Ogi Ogas, who studied billions of Web searches and millions of erotic sites, found that women make 1 out of every 50 purchases on porn websites compared to 9 out of 10 romance novels.

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As always, there's a biological basis for our behavior: Women have a limited number of opportunities to bear children, so they have to make sure to choose a mate who will stick around to nurture their children—and the only way to do that is to get to know him.

"What is he thinking? Will he be here for the long haul? These are not questions you can get immediate answers to," says Ogas. "That's why a 200-page book is so much better suited to this fantasy than a video clip. It perfectly replicates that puzzle."

So there you have it: Fifty Shades is slightly less terrible in book form. And the brain is still the most important sexual organ.

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