21 Problems Only Single Women Understand
Yes, being single is awesome most of the time. But remember that time you saw Evil Dead and then hung out on your stoop watching an old Hispanic woman knit for an hour just so you didn't have to go into your empty apartment alone and potentially fight a demon?
By Anna Breslaw
1. That moment when youre having dinner alone and your phone dies, and you dont have a book or a magazine. You just have to eat your pasta and stare stoically into space like a footsoldier gearing up to storm Normandy.
2. Having to ask a busy male friend or worse, some guy you went out with once or twice to help you carry something heavy or assemble an Ikea product. What up, its your girl Young Hey I Know Its Been Awhile Since We Hooked Up But Can You Help Me Build This Bookshelf?
3. Terrible first dates, over and over, like a horrifying version of Groundhogs Day without the delightful cushion of Andie MacDowells goddess hair. Theres a reason montages of bad dates are a cliché romantic comedy trope. Waiter, I am ready for my meet-cute with Jeffrey Dean Morgan now.
4. Hearing that we need to be "less picky" from our loved ones repeatedly. What are you saying, Mom?
5. The steep learning curve of how to fix broken shit around the house. WHY ISNT THIS TOILET PLUNGING WORKING. MY ARM HURTS. IM GOING TO DIE THIS WAY.
6. Not being able to open a jar. This is easy if you just hit up a neighbor. Unfortunately, my neighbor once asked me if I wanted to have a shot of whisky and be part of an adult movie taking place in his apartment, so I had to take my can of Progresso tomato basil elsewhere. Also, it was kind of insulting that he asked me to hold the camera.
7. Rolling up to dinner parties solo. Unless a bottle of full-bodied chardonnay you intend to chug at the head of the table counts as a date.
8. Not having the option to go halfsies on shit. Single women are constantly lectured on being too immature to handle real relationships, but were damn well mature enough to be financially independent, which is more than some (not all) women in couples can say.
9. Those guys who have girlfriends who flirt with you anyway. Sure, let me waste my whole night spitting game just to tell me at the end of the night that you have a girlfriend. Of five years. Who you live with. Why didnt you say something? Because I didnt want to. Oh. Okay. Youre a terrible boyfriend, and you guys should probably break up.
10. That thing where you cant stand your friends boyfriend but he goes everywhere with you. Do you really have to bring Brian tonight? Even though all he does is stand behind you with his hands on your waist, look bored and watch ESPN on the bar TV, and mumble, Baby, can we get out of here soon? every 20 minutes? Oh, you do? If you love Brian so much, why dont you just oh God, please dont marry him.
11. The awkward conversations you have with friends boyfriends. Its raining. Haha, yeah, Brian, it is. Rain is mad wet. Yes it is.
12. Having to nicely turn down offers of setups when the friend of a friend turns out to be short, dumb, or otherwise not good enough for you. Wow, he looks like he has a really great personality, but I think Im just gonna stay in and eat Chinese food and watch Bones and deep condition.
13. People in relationships being unable to fathom that aforementioned quiet nights alone are often way more fulfilling than being with someone else. Just because you hate being alone doesnt mean I hate it.
14. People in relationships assuming youre waiting for your Mr. Big, or whatever. Look, Im not some starry-eyed Carrie Bradshaw wannabe with impossible standards for boyfriends. Im just looking for someone smart, funny, and interesting that Im attracted to. Youd be surprised how hard it is to find.
15. When some guy youre dating keeps pointing out you make more money than him, like hes butthurt about it or something. Finding yourself out with guys who arent as successful or ambitious as you are can be uncomfortable, especially if they have a chip on their shoulder about it. In which case, fuck em.
16. Zipping the back of a dress. That one spot in the middle of your back. Goddammit.
17. Having to have an opinion on Valentine's Day. Whether it's "Dumb consumerist holiday that only exists to keep Hallmark in business" or "Ooh, this guy on the train actually picked nice flowers for whoever," you're bound to have some kind of reaction to February 14th.
18. It's way harder to take care of a dog. And God knows we could all use the unbridled enthusiasm of a dog in our lives.
19. Guys who don't text you after you hook up act all guilty and patronizing, as if they crushed your heart in pieces, even when you didn't give a shit. Yeah, um, I don't care that you don't want anything serious right now I just wanted to hook up. Stop apologizing. I promise you, I was not planning our wedding the morning after you left my house with a hangover. You're just too arrogant to take my word for it.
20. Everyone telling you you'll eventually end up with your best guy friend. Just because it happens in movies doesn't mean it works for everyone in real life. There's probably a reason you're just friends.
21. Women in relationships assuming you're jealous of them. Nope. Sorry.
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