Pleasure Point: Size Matters
Sex machines are getting bigger.
By Brian Alexander
THE RABBIT STEAL: $14.95 ROTATING RABBIT VIBRATOR, adameve.com. A knockoff cheap enough that you can trash one every few weeks before your parents visit (but you might need some carbon offsets to restore your eco karma). Just don't expect this vibe to last much longer than an Altoid.
Photo Credit: Philip Friedman/Studio D
Remember when high-tech sex toys like the Rabbit — the turbo-powered vibrator with stimulating "bunny ears" — were small enough to fit in a bedside drawer? That was then. Today there's a growing market for a different breed of sex machine that looks more like the Bowflex Home Gym than anything that would ever be daintily used by Charlotte York. These machines, once relegated to the underworld of fetish clubs and hard-core porn, are clumsy, ugly, and suddenly hot: Keep your eyes peeled for George Clooney's big sex-machine reveal in the Coen brothers' movie Burn After Reading. Below, the latest carnal behemoths:
Like a mechanical sex bull, you just plug it into the wall and ride the vibrating, rotating rubber dildo. It comes with a demo DVD and detachable 3-inch, 3 3/4-inch, and 5-inch "vaginal inserts," plus a 45-day trial with a money-back guarantee. ($1315)
Don't let the gynecological look of this thing put you off. Just lie down so the rubber penis is aimed between your legs and can pump back and forth. Add-ons include technology that allows your partner to log on to a smart phone or computer and "pleasure" you from a remote location. Isn't it romantic? These machines are custom-made, so the price starts at $4200 and can go as high as $30,000, depending on the "teledildonic" extras.
Just lie down and slide the base of the machine under the bed so that it's sturdy and the rubber penis is running horizontally above the mattress and between your legs. There's a remote control, with which you can adjust the speed from 0 to 280 pumps per minute. Its creator likens this toy to a "household appliance." More of a gentle jackhammer, no? ($1495)
Sort of an X-rated Pilates, it's low-tech — no batteries, no motor, no sound. All you do is get on the knee pads, grab the handle, and rock back and forth at your own pace, dildo in place. ($800)