1) Try to get a shirt as cool as ours. No more of this tie and cuffed trousers business at the lanes. When in Altoona, you know? And perhaps a slogan. It helps. Borrow ours if you must: Too legit to quit. It works on several levels.
2) Come up with a clever screen name for yourself on the scoreboard, a nickname like Obamarama or Barack-n-Roll!, so we have something to shout when you get that spare. Again, it helps with lane cred and shows the crowd that even after an embarrassing 37 that this is all in fun. See, folks, not wooden!
3) Dude, is that velcro on your shoes? Stick with the classic two-toned lace up when it comes to lane-side fashions. Bowling is, by definition, old-school. That means no cosmic blacklight bowling, no smoke machines, no gourmet snack bar. Certain thingslike the age-old tradition of beer, nachos and bowlingarent meant to be upgraded.
4) Find the right ball. Something engraved with your new nickname would be an extra-special touch, and earn you more slaps on the back from your fellow bowlers. Make sure your ball is the right weight. It should be heavier than, say, a sack of laundry, but lighter than the guilt your mother lays on you for being dateless on a Saturday night. And perhaps try one in blue or red? Folks seem to think that red signifies power and blue trust. Of course, I dont think you can go wrong with this ball, which screams presidential glory. Never underestimate the importance of the right accessories.
5) Use the arrows on the lanes for guidance. Theyre there for a reason. Obamas left-handeda lefty, so to speak. Rookie lefties often send their balls end up in the right-hand gutter. Keep your wrist straight as you release the fury of the ball, and perhaps use the arrow one or two from the left of center to help correct your, er, right-leaning tendencies.
6) When all else fails, order a beer tower. My team really seemed to enjoy it.
Do any of you Daily Dishers bowl? Whats your average? Got the pictures to prove it??? Email them to me!