With the JetBlue inflatable-slide-riding hero Steven Slater still rocking the tarmac of justice, MC envisions eight other sticky situations in life in which an escape hatch would come in handy:
1. Rope swing to awaiting helicopter: Instant airborne escape during a job interview after you find out the position is a whopping $15,000 less than what you already make. And based in New Jersey. (Sorry, Snooki.)
2. Jet pack: For the moment your OkCupid date starts repeatedly texting you — while you’re in the restroom — asking you how you think the date is going so far because depending on your answer he may or may not order dessert despite his lactose intolerance.
3. Giant slingshot: Great for right about the time your recently divorced mother coyly refers to her (or your) sex life during Thanksgiving dinner.
4. Tied-sheet rope out the window: Perfect for when you discover your unemployed roommate and her boyfriend passed out in a naked pretzel on the living room couch, where the front door (and only exit) is located.
5. Retracting floor: Needed the second you hit send on an email, and immediately realize you hit ‘reply all’ with a snarky aside outing Janice-in-accounting’s recent supply-room affair with Ned-in-marketing, complete with their dirty nicknames.
6. ‘Beam-me-up-Scotty’ laser: When the crazy old lady in front of you in the never-ending 12-items-or-more line at Trader Joe’s tries to keep you engaged in a conversation — by making a racist joke.
7. Human cannon: Useful the moment you make eye contact with your boss in the gym locker room — and you’re both only half-dressed.
8. Quick pedicab pull-away: For the morning your super catches you at the front door to ask if you know anything about who threw the party on the roof last weekend, why the basement is flooded, and who owns the tiger cub tied up to the grill out back.
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