25 Things Not to Do on Halloween

By Diana Vilibert

1. Dress up as a naughty cat, naughty bunny, naughty nurse, or naughty nun.

2. Think that you can misbehave because you're in costume. Put another way: If you wouldn't do body shots without the Scooter Libby mask, don't do them now.

3. Carve Monet's Haystacks into a pumpkin because Martha Stewart told you to.

4. Ride public transportation in your Amy Winehouse wig.

5. Dress up as a bad pun, like a "gold digger." Or as anyone from the '80s. Or something you saw on YouTube. Or Sanjaya.

6. Bob for apples, unless you get to go first. (The spit, people. The inevitable, disgusting other-people spit.)

7. Give out "healthy treats," like raisins and tangerines. In a few years the recipients will return, armed with toilet paper and eggs, to have their righteous revenge.

8. Serve guests drinks with aggressively festive names like "Witch's Tit."

9. Shove your hand in a bowl full of peeled grapes masquerading as eyeballs or a tub of cold spaghetti mimicking slimy guts at the community haunted house.

10. Do the Monster Mash.

11. Dress your child as a car air freshener.

12. Force your boyfriend to dress up as the Sam Ronson to your Lindsay Lohan.

13. Forget the "naughty" part of your naughty secretary costume.

14. Forget the secretary part.

15. Use your masked identity as an excuse to TP your ex-boyfriend's house.

16. Dress up as the "walk of shame" if there's even a slight chance you'll be doing one in the morning.

17. Forget to wear something under your toilet paper zombie costume.

18. Give trick-or-treaters last year's Halloween candy.

19. Forget that anything that tastes like fruit punch with a kick will leave you with a hangover for the next three days.

20. Convince yourself that dude-dressed-as-your-favorite-literary-character is your soulmate.

21. Force your cat to get into costume by wearing a Kitty Wig.

22. Attempt to dance seductively while dressed in a plush one-piece chicken costume.

23. Tell yourself you can stop at one handful of candy corn.

24. Go home with the Pete Doherty-look-alike unless you're sure his strung-out, greasy look is indeed just part of the costume.

25. Eat anything that may have masqueraded as monster brains an hour ago.

Happy Halloween!
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