Gone are the days when self-help books were practically required to be cheesy, impersonal, and boring. Now, if you know where to look, you'll find empowering, genuinely useful self-help books designed to make you feel good, like you're receiving advice from a trusted friend or an inspiring mentor. Far from only offering overly generalized lists of life tips, the self-help genre also includes compelling memoirs and handy nonfiction guides for anyone interested in growing their creativity, career, emotional maturity, or spiritual life.

No matter what you're going through in life—or even if you're just looking for a life-changing book to read—we could all use a little self-help and extracurricular learning from time to time. Ahead, check out 30 of the self-help books for women that made our required reading list.

While researching this piece, I Googled “best self-help books.” The first result was a Reddit post asking an evergreen question: “Self-help books that ACTUALLY helped you?”

Books on empowerment and self-improvement have been balms for millions of people for more than a century (Self-Help by Samuel Smiles was the second bestselling book of 1859, beat out only by the Bible), and to this day there remains a consistent churn of self-help books for women, filled with authors inspiring readers to focus on success, overcoming imposter syndrome, and living our Best! Authentic! Lives! Though these aims are noble, they’re more mental than physical. Platitudes on matters like confidence and bravery can fly over the heads of people seeking practical, baseline advice on how to get through the day, particularly when simply the tasks of living feel like Sisyphean burdens. But a new generation of self-help books is answering the call for gentle advice, helping readers build true foundations of self-care—literally “how to take care of yourself”—while removing barriers of shame.

The third chapter of KC Davis’s bite-sized How to Keep House While Drowning gives a pithy nod to one of the most well-known self-help books of all time: “Marie Kondo says to tri-fold your underwear.” Of course, there’s much more to Kondo’s seminal work The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up than just her folding method, but it’s the perfect instance of the push and pull between self-help books and helpful tips. Davis explains that not everyone will have the mental or physical energy for the rest of their lives to employ the KonMari method. The same goes for many of the most popular self-care fads. (Davis names a few: “Capsule wardrobes! Rainbow colored organization! Bullet journals!”) It’s hard not to feel like what Davis deems a “self-help reject” when you’re going through a serious downturn in your life—be it a drastic period of life change, a mental health crisis, or several weeks of constant stress due to circumstances out of your control—and can't keep your pens in perfect technicolor formation.

Life is cyclical, and everyone goes through it at some point. (Odds are plenty of constant stress is on the horizon.) Davis went through her own downturn after she welcomed her second baby, when her in-person community support and the safeguards she prepared to ward off postpartum depression swiftly crumbled amidst the 2020 pandemic lockdowns. Her origin story for Drowning even has a more kismet tie to Kondo, who admitted in early 2023 that she relaxed her tidiness standards in her California home after welcoming her third child.

How to Keep House While Drowning has found a fanbase full of passionate recommenders (myself included) because it’s an advice book that truly speaks to everyone by focusing on a population which often hasn’t felt served by mainstream self-help: neurodivergent people (or “neurospicy” if you prefer). #CleanTok fans who haven’t heard of Drowning may have come across Davis through her viral video on her ADHD fridge, where the Texas-based licensed professional counselor explains how she prioritizes visibility in her fridge, to make sure she never opens the door to be greeted with the stench of rotting vegetables. Davis’s TikTok led me to her book, and I felt surge after surge of recognition as I read through her "struggle-care philosophy" of providing compassionate and nonjudgmental help to people who struggle with everyday tasks like cooking and cleaning. Her book will hold your hand and tell you that chores (or what she calls “care tasks”) are morally neutral. There is no right way or wrong way to complete them, and in an ideal world, we wouldn’t believe that there were.

Both How to Keep House While Drowning and Margaret Eby’s new cookbook You Gotta Eat begin by interrogating the shame that’s baked into even the most baseline decisions of maintaining your body and home. Expectations of cleanliness and good eating habits (even those seen as anti-diet culture) operate off a prescribed morality that the public learns from society and imposes on both themselves and the world around them. (There’s a reason why Drowning includes a chapter dedicated to “critical family members” who offer rude comments in lieu of actual help.) Even a neurotypical person with no chronic mental health issues has likely been in a situation where their home or food choices have been judged, either by themselves or an outside person, as “bad.” For people who aren’t used to cooking or cleaning regularly, changing their habits can seem terrifying, not just because all change is difficult, but because they’ve been conditioned their entire lives that they’ll never be able to achieve the "ideal" home or the "ideal" meal. Both Drowning and You Gotta Eat start by pointing out these internal criticisms and expelling them before encouraging readers to make their everyday care decisions work for them.

And as a food journalist and critic, Eby knows that feeding yourself can carry not only a lot of baggage, but also require a lot of effort. Her book’s title says it all—you have to eat. Even if you love to cook but can’t find the time; even if your depressive spiral has made turning on the oven impossible; even if your history with disordered eating has made you resent the existence of food in general. Speaking with Marie Claire ahead of You Gotta Eat’s mid-November release, Eby describes her goal for You Gotta Eat as presenting a cookbook that’s “so radically baseline.” It features chapters like “Open Something” to “Microwave Something” to “Cook Something.”

“I could have used this when I had my first apartment and was substantially living on chickpeas,” Eby says. “I could have used this like multiple times in my life when I had a hard time with depression or anxiety. This is a book that I hope will help anyone who's like, ‘I would love to cook. I find myself in a rut. I am tired of ordering fast food, or the prepared food aisle of Trader Joe's. I just want to do something else.’”

Be warned, that “something else” may take some attitude adjustment. You Gotta Eat isn’t filled with recipes so much as combinations. One of the first loose recipes in the book is a canned pineapple and mayo sandwich, and that’s a couple pages after the first of many choose-your-own-adventure sections where Eby encourages you to roll the dice on suggested ingredients for your next bean salad, canapé, smoothie, or casserole. Once you unlock a fear of hitting an unfamiliar flavor combination, there’s a joy in remembering the imaginative fun that can be applied to food. As Eby points out, “There are so many incredibly creative people who have figured out not only how to feed themselves, but also how to produce some amount of creativity or community or joy in this task that's so repetitive that we all have to engage in every single day.”

Of course, not every self-help book can help everyone. But this recent batch of cleaning advice manuals and cookbooks are aimed at meeting readers where they are, teaching us how to cultivate our own skills rather than overhauling our routines to fit a prescribed method or cultural norms.

If You Gotta Eat is the pep talk you need for the base level of feeding yourself, Sohla El-Waylly’s Start Here is the ideal textbook when you’re ready to embark on the next phase of your home-cooking journey. Anyone who’s attempted to teach themselves to cook knows that most food media, from cookbooks, to online recipes, and even instructions in home-meal kits like HelloFresh, assume a certain level of knowledge. Recipes will omit the temperature needed to simmer or forgo explaining the difference between chopping and dicing, as if the reader should already know how to. El-Waylly—who rose to fame on Bon Appétit’s Test Kitchen—explains every technique she uses in her home-cooking tome and includes pictures (because visual aids are often the best way to learn these methods). Not only that, El-Waylly intersperses her lessons with stories of mistakes she’s made over her culinary life to demonstrate that making errors and learning from them are a critical part of becoming a great cook.

Self-proclaimed decluttering expert Dana K. White has written three books on her “reality-based” home care methods—my personal favorite is Organizing for the Rest of Us. Yes, many parts of the book are similar to the popular method that has been established by countless organizational gurus before White, including Kondo: Declutter first, then organize, then establish a cleaning routine. But following KonMari method arguably requires a level of dedication; White, though, recognizes that if you tell someone (like me) to empty everything in their closet into a big pile, I’ll be tripping over that pile for the next week (or more) as I can probably only dedicate an hour a day to it, ultimately feeling like I failed at the task. For people who have talked themselves out of a deep clean based on how monumental the task seems, Organizing assures them that the journey to their ideal state of cleanliness can happen on their own timeline.

It has been over a decade since the term “adulting” entered the public lexicon and was quickly derided. Critics insisted that young people were simply being childish and unable to handle day-to-day tasks, ignoring an unspoken truth that many young people today are entering adulthood without infrastructures in place to teach and learn life skills, like culinary basics or financial literacy.

Not to mention, in recent years we’ve experienced a devastating global pandemic, an exponential rise in social media, a harrowing cost-of-living crisis, and a conservative political movement that’s about to enter its second wave, spurring an epidemic of chronic stress and declining mental health. Amidst all that, several generations have begun to speak out more about the struggles of everyday life, and the conditions, both continual and intermittent, that may cause us to drop the ball on societal standards of self-care. But as Eby points out, “There's always going to be structures that kind of make you feel bad implicitly or explicitly.”

In the tumultuous coming years, books like Eby’s will serve as solace, to help people remember that their body and their corner of the world can be as creative or as calm as they choose. As Eby tells Marie Claire, “There's enough to feel bad about in the world without having it come from inside your kitchen or inside your living room.”

There's no better feeling than crossing off items on a to-do list. Even with almost everything going virtual, there's still great satisfaction in a good old-fashioned pen-and-paper combination in your routine. But with an overwhelming number of planners and agendas available to shop, it can be challenging to choose just one. Plus, considering you'll be stuck with yours until the end of the year (or school year), purchasing the best 2025 planner can feel like a lot of pressure. So, I consulted Marie Claire editors and other planner-using professionals about the ones they swear by.

I spoke to psychologist Dr. Scott Lyons and Kathleen Cameron, a manifestation coach, about how scheduling your day the old-fashioned way can make a tremendous difference. Dr. Lyons points out that there's actually a psychological reason for the satisfaction you get from writing down your tasks. "There is some interesting research about mobilizing where even just writing things down can help reduce stress because we’re motoring some of that energy and anxiety into action," he says. "Some things you just can't type out." Enter the perfect planner.

Cameron adds that writing tasks down can keep you focused on everything you need to accomplish in a day, keeping you organized and pushing you toward your goals. "It's [about] waking up every day and saying, 'What are the most important things that I need to get done, and how quickly am I going to get those things done?'"

So, whether you're looking to get more organized, trying to optimize your routine, or simply desperate not to forget any of the one thousand essential tasks you need to tackle, there's a 2025 planner, agenda, or cute notebook on this list that is right for you.

The Best Planners and Agendas at a Glance

• Marie Claire's Top Planners and Agendas
• Best Dated Planners and Agendas
• Best Undated Planners and Agendas
• What to Look For in a Planner
• Meet The Experts

Marie Claire's Top Planners and Agendas

• Best Overall Planner: Leuchtturm1917 Weekly Planner & Notebook
• Best Undated Planner: Kate Spade New York Daily To-Do Planner
• Best Classic Planner: Moleskine Classic 12 Month 2025 Weekly Planner
• Best Affordable Planner: Papercode Daily Planner
• Best Calendar Planner: Llewellyn's 2025 Witches' Datebook (Was $14, Now $10)
• Best Hardcover Planner: Brass Monkey The Perpetually Late Show Undated Standard Planner

Best Dated Planners and Agendas

Best Undated Planners and Agendas

What to Look For in a Planner

• Space For Your Personal Goals: The perfect planner should get you into the right mindset to start a positive, productive day. Finding a planner that has room for the things that matter you (like a dedicated area for manifesation goals, mantras, or note pads at the start of each month), is key.
• Length of Use: Some agendas on this list are designed for limited spaces of time (e.g., six weeks or three months at a time); others are undated so that users can focus on accomplishing specific short-term goals. Other goal-oriented planners include inspirational quotes, tips on staying focused, and other tools meant to guide you along your journey. Meanwhile, more traditional, dated planners and agendas simply lay out the entire calendar year or school year.
• Size and Materials: Consider size and durability when buying a planner. If you carry around a big bag and need as much space as possible in your planner (for note-taking, mind-mapping, etc.), then a large planner may be best for you. On the other hand, if you need your planner to live and plan on taking it just about everywhere you go, go for a small planner. And if, like me, you tend to be rough on your items, look for a sturdy, hardcover planner so that you don't accidentally rip it to shreds within the first few weeks of use.

Meet the Experts

Welcome to Beauty Around the Clock, Marie Claire's weekly peek into the daily lives of some of the most game-changing women in their industries. Ever wonder how they get it all done in a day? Here's your answer.

Scroll through Courteney Cox’s Instagram account and you'll wish she was your bestie. One minute she’s snuggling with her dog and starring in fun reels with the cast of Shining Vale, and the next she’s learning to drive a swanky car in Ireland and crafting videos about Kanye West’s tweets. She’s a certified cool-girl who's always down for a good time. But while she's living her best life in the public eye, the Alabama native is also laser focused on creating a private, peaceful sanctuary at home. “Collectively, we seek good health, good habits, and wellness routines that make us feel like we are putting our best foot forward—so why not extend that philosophy into homecare?” she asks. 

During the height of the Covid-19 lockdown, Cox created Homecourt, a skincare-inspired lifestyle brand that elevates homecare with recycled materials and non-toxic ingredients. At the heart of her collection are surface cleaners and hand soaps that not only effectively clean and offer exquisite sustainable packaging, but smell as marvelous as any high-end French fragrance. “Aesthetically it's important for things to look beautiful and to be clean,” she says. “I thought there wasn't a cleaning product beautiful enough to leave out on my counter so I created it. The products work, and the scents are created by a perfume house where they use real scents with no chemicals.”

Below, Cox reveals her go-to skincare products, preferred workouts, and the meals she prepares when she’s not conceptualizing non-toxic fragrances for her most famous character's favorite pastime. 

Rise and Shine

After I wake up, I immediately brush my teeth and wash my face. After that, I scrub the shit out of my legs with an ESPA dry brush for circulation. I'm into this new thing where I use Aquaphor healing ointment mixed with Augustinus Bader body cream or oil. I love that combination, but I also like to switch things up. Sometimes I'll mix body oil with Aquaphor and put it all over my body. I love Tata Harper exfoliating cleanser and I mix that with True Botanicals cleansing balm. 

Morning Maintenance

I take vitamins every morning. I used to do celery juice in the morning for about two years. I was so obsessed with it that I even did it on vacation. I would find a way to get a juicer and do it. Now, I am doing the cucumber, pineapple, ginger, and lemon thing. I don't know if it's cleaning my gut, but it's a way to get something liquid down because it's hard for me to drink water. Finally, I have a cup of decaf coffee with oat milk and honey. 

Daily Playlist

My partner, Johnny McDaid is a musician and a writer. He writes a lot with Ed Sheeran and that's how I met him. So I love Ed, and I love this guy named Foy Vance, who I met through Ed and Johnny. But I would say I like Pink and Snow Patrol, too. Johnny is the keyboardist for Snow Patrol and they create amazing music. Can you imagine being with a musician where you just absolutely cannot stand their music or it's just not your type? I'm so lucky that I love Snow Patrol. I love Gary Lightbody, the lead singer. I just love the whole band—I could hear that music over and over.

Fitness Fix

I play tennis twice a week. I used to box twice a week, but my left knee is hurt. I also do pilates once a week. As I get older, I realize it's more important for me to do weights. It’s amazing how I used to be really muscley but not so much anymore.

Self-Care Ritual

I like to cook. I have this steak recipe I received from my friend, Brandi Carlile, whom I met through Instagram, which is kind of weird. I also make a great baked chicken and chicken parmesan. I don't just eat and grill; there's some serious marination going on.

Hair Help

I don't brush my hair. I don't really do anything to it. I do use LolaVie leave-in conditioner, but really I just don't brush my hair, that’s how it remains healthy.

Signature Scent

I like to layer things, so I wear a few oils then I apply perfume on top. I created a fragrance I've been wearing for years and it's called Cece. Cece is my nickname because my mom's name was Courteney Cox and then it was Courteney Copeland. Her name always involved C’s. And so, I became Cece. 

I used that same unique scent for a surface cleaner and a dish soap for Homecourt. And, naturally it’s called Cece. Yes, I smell just like my surface cleaner. Someone wrote to me once and said, "Hey, what are the ingredients of Cece?" And I said, "Well, obviously I'm not going to tell you. I can't give you my two oils because then it's no longer interesting and unique to me, but you can buy my surface cleaner.”

Beauty Icon

For me, beauty is also fashion. I love my stylist. Her name is Maryam Malakpour. Everything she wears to me works on her. She styles Keith Richards, Juliette Lewis, and Brandi Carlile. I've been working with her for years, but every time she walks in, I say, "Well, I just want everything you're wearing." 

Backup Career

Originally, I wanted to be an architect, because I like all parts of design. I like creating mood boards, I love thinking about designs in homes and furniture. I’m obsessed with home design, so I would do that. 

P.M. Routine

Around 6:30 p.m. is when I light a candle and just chill out and watch something on TV. I love documentaries. That's a big thing for me. Of course, everyone likes true crime and that includes me. 

At night, before I go to bed, I wash my face and clean it off with a hot towel that I’ve placed various oils on. Then, I do the same body brushing I did in the morning with my dry brush.

Lights Out

At night I listen to Stevie Wonder radio or Al Green radio. I love old music. 

Shop Courteney's Favorites

In the ultimate quest for inner beauty and outer glow, Marie Claire asks our favorite trailblazers to share intel on finding balance in their busy lives. Read it all here, in Beauty Inside & Out.

If anyone takes self-care seriously, it’s Olivia Palermo. The beauty founder has a religious routine consisting of (but by no means limited to) morning blowouts, twice-weekly manicures, regular medical facials, and regimented trips to nutritionists, acupuncturists, and sound meditation practitioners. It sounds like a lot, yes. But it’s these moments of “me-time” that help set the fashion influencer up for success, keep her mind and body healthy, and give her the energy to run her businesses—and look good while doing it. 

“I prioritized self-care at a really young age—and that goes for everything I eat and my workout to the shampoo I use, getting cuts, making sure that I get facials regularly, that I get manicures and pedicures, and get my teeth cleaned,” the Dress for Success Impact Ambassador tells Marie Claire. “I've always been a firm believer in life maintenance.”

To get the scoop on how Palermo maintains her zen while doing it all, keep scrolling. From the weekly chemical peel that keep her skin glowing to the wellness gurus that help her stay centered amidst the chaos, here are the routines and rituals the founder of Olivia Palermo Beauty swears by. 

Inner Beauty 

Morning Movement 

I wake up and I say hello to my husband and I give him a kiss. That's a really nice way to start the day, to be honest. It's the calm before everything, so I take time to reflect on myself and do a little bit of meditative thoughts. I’ve been going back to Tracy Anderson—I’m a longtime Tracy Anderson workout girl. This year I also want to incorporate pilates a little bit more. The movement, that heat, the regenerating of your skin cells—it makes such a difference to me. I’m a crazy person, so I usually work out five or six times a week, but it’s important to give the muscles a rest and listen to my body, so it depends. 

“Me-Time” Manicures

I take my selfish time—100 percent. I go to Plaza M in Tribeca for my manicure-pedicure and my back massages. That’s my time. I go twice a week and that’s when I really feel like myself. When I come back from a trip or I just need a minute, I always go there. It's like my little haven. 

Healthy Habits 

As a New Yorker, we go out to eat, but I’m always very healthy. I’ve had a nutritionist [Dr. Gisele Kuhlmann] forever. It’s important because your body is always changing, so you want to shake it up. Johannes, my husband, and I eat mostly a plant-based diet—we have for many years. We do eat fish and chicken, but no red meat. We stick to oat milk now, too. 

Acupuncture 

I’ve been doing acupuncture since I was 21 years old with the same person. It’s amazing and it’s really effective. I think it does depend on the reasons why you’re going, but for me, it’s been really helpful for chronic back pain and muscle spasms. 

Sound Meditation 

I think it’s always important to manifest. You put energy out there, and hopefully you can create it. I’m a big believer in sound meditation—it’s super powerful. I absolutely love it. It’s about finding the right tones and recalibrating the brain wavelengths.

Outer Glow 

Weekly Derm Visits

I am religious—every single Friday I go to Dr. Dennis Gross's office and I get my medical facial. I get a chemical peel. I do a red light bed. I do my laser. I’ve been seeing Dr. Gross since I was 14. It was instilled in me from a young age that you have your skin your whole life, so you have to preserve it to maintain it. 

I also see Dr. Robert Anolik every few weeks. I cut myself shaving back in May like an idiot and I took off nine layers of skin. It was awful and right on my shin, so he’s been lasering it like crazy. 

Simple Skincare 

My skin doesn’t take a lot of product, to be honest. My skin rejects a lot of products in general and I don’t want any buildup. I religiously cleanse and use a washcloth to take any oil off my face. I use light serums. For face masks, I think the Dr. Dennis Gross Blue Marine Hydrating Mask is really great. 

Body TLC 

I do a lot of exfoliation. I use Molton Brown—I like orange blossom or a really light white lily. I’ll stick to that. I have to be very specific with scents. I swear my husband has a hidden nose. He wants me to smell like me. 

When it comes to fragrance, well, I had to switch my fragrance when Goutal got discontinued. I bought, like, half the world, and then I was like, ‘Ok, I need to stop.’ I’ve been using Aerin Ikat Jasmine Eau de Parfum, which I like a lot.

Hair Help  

Andre Davis has cut my hair basically since I was 18. I see him every three weeks and dust the ends to keep them growing. Abby Haliti has been doing my highlights for almost 10 years now—she’s amazing. But my hair is super healthy. I wash it every day. I’ve been really into Milbon. I absolutely love their fine hair shampoo and conditioner and the restoring and purifying shampoo and conditioner. The texture, the smell, it’s just fantastic. When I get out of the shower, I brush it and use a heat protectant to make sure that the color doesn’t get oxidized at all. Then I’ll use my GHD hairdryer—it’s the best one. I blow dry my hair every day. I’ll wake the whole house up—I don’t care, it makes no difference to me. My hair is getting a blow dry and looking perfect before I start the day. 

I also really like the Jolie shower head. Especially when you’re in cities like New York, there’s so much shit in the water. You need a good filter. That really helps with hair and the skin. 

Makeup Must-Haves 

I can do my own makeup perfectly—luckily. I’m proud of that. I use Charlotte Tilbury foundation. I love a sexy, smoky eye, a great wing, and a lash. But working with Nelson [Catarino] for so many years, I’ve learned to love more than just a smoky eye. He can put barely anything on me, but I’ll still look fresh, glowy, and amazing. I also love my Olivia Palermo Beauty setting mist—your makeup doesn’t move, it’s a nice refresher. I tested it on my guys and my girls. All my guys are very specific on their scents, so we kept it rosy and fresh.  

Recipe for Success: Olivia’s Antioxidant-Packed Smoothie 

I love a smoothie and I have one every day. I do strawberry, raspberry, banana, orange, and a little bit of yogurt or oat milk. Blend it all together and that’s it. I get my antioxidants in, it keeps my skin feeling fresh, and it’s important to get your berries. 

“I have something funny to show you,” Andie MacDowell says, disappearing out of frame for a minute. She comes back to our Zoom conversation holding an ornate gold statuette: It’s a César, the French equivalent of an Oscar.

“This isn’t me bragging,” she says. “This is me making a point. I got this award in 1997—for my body of work. Think about that. 1997! I was in my [30s]!” The actress, now 64, is getting the last laugh about that hilariously premature lifetime achievement award (for which, she adds, “I’m not ungrateful!”). Last fall, she gave an unforgettable performance in the Netflix series Maid, based on the memoir by Stephanie Land. In it, MacDowell is Paula, the undiagnosed-bipolar mother of domestic-abuse survivor Alex (played by Margaret Qualley, MacDowell’s real-life daughter). Her character is fiery and heartbreaking, with a brilliant silver mane, showcasing a different side of the actress whose ethereal beauty and Southern lilt made her an ’80s and ’90s movie muse. A few months before the series premiered, MacDowell debuted her natural gray hair at Cannes. Audiences have always known her with her iconic chestnut curls, and in Hollywood, where youth is king, it felt like a bold step forward for age positivity.

But perhaps that should be no surprise. Even at the height of her fame, MacDowell seemed more grounded than many in her line of work. In 1991, after starring in Steven Soderbergh’s Sex, Lies, and Videotape and just before Groundhog Day and Four Weddings and a Funeral, MacDowell moved to Montana. Then, in 1999, she relocated to Asheville, N.C., to raise her two daughters, Margaret and Rainey, and son, Justin, with her former model husband Paul Qualley. Today, after divorcing Qualley, and a brief marriage to businessman Rhett Hartzog, MacDowell is happily living on her own, back in L.A.

We spoke to the likely Emmy nominee and long-time L’Oréal brand ambassador about embracing her grays, teaching her daughters self-care, and hanging with the Euphoria kids.

Marie Claire: You’ve been a working actor for many years, but it seems like there’s an Andie MacDowell renaissance brewing lately—do you feel that?

Andie MacDowell: Work generates work—that’s always been a pattern. But there’s something else—I think me being comfortable with stepping into my age is beneficial. There’s a lot of resistance to that. You don’t know how that’s going to be treated in Hollywood. We’re so used to, as women, being defined by being ageless. We have this instilled fear of getting older.

MC: Even of just saying your age out loud.

AM: Oh, yeah. Which I’ve always done. It makes me uncomfortable trying to pretend that I’m younger. That freaks me out. And being comfortable makes you more confident, too.

MC: Did letting your hair go gray enhance your confidence?

AM: I had been wanting to do it, so COVID did me a favor. I’m not anti-color; you have to do what makes you happy. I just think this is also a lovely option. I now say I have salt-and-pepper hair, and someone just said to me that’s only been used for men, that expression. I was never conscious [women] can’t say we have salt-and-pepper hair!

MC: You’re so associated with the L’Oréal brand—to be so forward with your natural hair color reflects the best of what the beauty industry is doing now.

AM: I agree with you. It’s very present. Allowing women to get older and be happy. And not forcing them to be something that they’re not.

MC: You’ve always seemed to have healthy boundaries—getting out of Hollywood, going to live in Montana.

AM: I think what made me anxious about living [in L.A.] was that nobody talked about anything but work. “What are you doing now, what are you doing next?” It didn’t matter what you did, it was never going to be enough. And I wanted to think about other things. I love my job, but I don’t want it to be all of me.

MC: Maid really started a public conversation about emotional abuse in a way that hasn’t happened before.

AM: There were certain scenes where I thought, This is really good for women to see. It does still happen. It used to be worse. I saw a lot of that behavior growing up.

MC: Were you able to spend time with Margaret during shooting?

AM: Her schedule was horrendous—Fridays she would work all night. I would see her on Sundays. She would come to my house, and I would feed her really healthy food, and she would get a massage. I organized that—I was getting a massage while she ate, and then she would get a massage, and I would do her lines with her.

MC: It’s such a troubling but compelling series; it really stays with you.

AM: I am super sensitive. I’ll feel like [a show or movie] is really happening, I feel like I’m really there. A lot of times I’ll go to sleep right after watching something that’s upset me, and I don’t sleep the same. Last night, I was watching Euphoria. I had just met those kids at the

Saint Laurent [pre-Oscars] party—I sat next to Maude [Apatow], and that gorgeous guy, Dominic Fike, was there. He is charismatic. He sparkles. He does, he sparkles! So I wanted to see [the show]. I binged it for two nights in a row, and I was like, I have to stop.

MC: Relatedly, your next movie, Red Right Hand, is an Appalachian action-thriller that sounds fairly dark!

AM: [Laughs] That’s an understatement! But there’s a difference between playing it and watching it. It’s a community in the hills of Kentucky, and [my character, Queenpin Big Cat] is the head honcho. She’s been there forever, and it’s like she’s the top mafia boss. Instead of the godfather, she’s the godmother. She’s very poetic. The way she speaks is so beautifully written. It’s hard to find roles like this, you know?

MC: How does it feel, having both daughters in the entertainment business?

AM: I’ve taught them how to take care of themselves. I tried to teach them there are certain limits you can set. You’ve got to do self-care. It’s all about how you eat, protecting your sleep.

MC: Did you always practice self-care, for yourself?

AM: I was never a super party person. I would not have survived that, because I need my sleep. Nine hours. Seven or eight, I can do. I won’t die on six, but I don’t feel good. Anything less than that and I’m useless.

MC: You’ve talked on Instagram about having social anxiety. Has that gotten worse, coming out of the isolation of COVID?

AM: I’m real sensitive, so it just depends on my mood. I went to that party on my own the other night, and I did really well. But you walk in by yourself, it’s tough! You’re talking to someone, and you don’t know if you’re talking too long, you’ve got your own voice going in your head. But the truth is that everybody is doing the same damn thing.

MC: You’ve worked with some famously difficult actors. How did you navigate that?

AM: I have worked with so many difficult men! I’m really good with difficult men. I have great training, because I grew up in the South.

MC: You take a “bless your heart” approach?

AM: [Laughs] I was always really good at not letting it affect me. I let things roll off. Sometimes I watch bad behavior and feel sorry for the person who’s behaving poorly, because they have to be suffering on some level to behave like that. MeToo has been interesting—you do see the difference on set. There are a lot more women.

I had this kind of crazy experience, right after Trump got elected. I was really disturbed that nobody seemed to care about the vagina[-grabbing] comment; I had gotten really sad. I went to do a job, a day’s work, and I had my very first panic attack. I was getting ready to shoot something, and I turn around and it’s, like, a roomful of men. Like, a sea of men. It flashed on something that was personal for me. And I dropped to my knees. I left the room, and went into this fake bathroom on the set, and looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Get your shit together.” It just freaked me out, not seeing any other women. It’s not that I have anything against men. I don’t! I just don’t like big groups of them. Since then, I’ve become very conscious of looking around and finding the women on set. For comfort.

This story appears in the May 2022 issue of Marie Claire.

Styling (Marie Claire): Axelle Cornaille and Agathe Gire / Andie MacDowell Personal Stylist: Marc Eram, A-Frame Agency / Hair: Marcus Francis, TMG / Makeup: Stephen Sollitto / Manicure: Eri Ishizu, Opus Beauty / Thanks to Hotel Loews Santa Monica Beach Hotel 

Saying that Rihanna is an icon doesn't really come close to how iconic she actually is.

So when it comes to sharing her self-care routine in a video on social media, obviously it's not going to be just any old "get ready with me!" clip—she's going to do it the RiRi way.

The star just shared a video captioned, "and that’s on self care bih," in which she stares straight into the camera basically the entire time. She's wearing a towel on her head, an ocean blue bra or bikini, and matching satin-y shorts, with her baby bump as proudly displayed as ever. She accessorized with gold jewelry.

Possibly even more iconically, the whole thing is set to a man's voice narrating (in what is presumably a TikTok sound or other), "All I'm saying is, there are women all over the place that watch serial killer documentaries for fun, and literally fall asleep to true crime murder podcasts 'cause it helps them to relax. The concept of murder helps them to relax, and you wanna play with her feelings? [Laughs]" Uh-mazing.

Now for the actual routine: RiRi uses two products from her eponymous Fenty Beauty line, the Cookies N Clean Whipped Clay Detox Face Mask, which she leaves on as a mask before using what I believe is the Butta Drop Whipped Oil Body Cream on her arms and baby bump.

She then calmly pours herself some ginger ale into a champagne flute, before placing a couple cucumber slices on her eyes.

And, well, it's going to be hard to top that.

In the ultimate quest for inner beauty and outer glow, Marie Claire asks our favorite trailblazers to share intel on finding balance in their busy lives. Read it all here, in Beauty Inside & Out.

Venus Williams knows a thing or two about being busy. But between winning seven Grand Slam titles and four Olympic gold medals (casual), heading up multiple businesses across wellness, interior design, and fashion, and being the ultimate aunt to niece Alexis Olympia Ohanian, the tennis pro still manages to squeeze in time for self-care. Curious how she does it all? Her feel-good motto boils down to the following trifecta: happiness, wellness, and balance. 

“First of all, self-care is all about happiness and living your life in a way that allows you to be happy. A broader definition is being able to live your dreams and do things that you love—whether that’s in work or life. That’s a huge part of wellness. Then, it’s about finding balance in your life to feel healthy and be healthy—mentally, physically, and spiritually,” Williams says. 

While the Eleven by Venus Williams founder and Asutra part owner & chief brand officer emphasizes that the magic recipe will be different for everyone, she clued us in to a few of the foods, products, and playlists that keep her feeling her best from the second she jumps out of bed at 5 a.m. Here, she’s breaking down the must-haves she relies on day-to-day (including her just-launched moisturizer!) and the filling salad that keeps her going. 

Inner Beauty 

Morning Music 

“I get up and go [in the morning] and I’m usually playing music throughout the house. What I want to hear changes. Maybe if I have a day off, it’s something more chill, but if I’m getting going, it’s something else.” 

Happy Viking Superfood Strawberry Smoothie 

“I always have the Happy Viking Superfood Strawberry Smoothie throughout the day. I have about 150 grams, which is a pretty big number. It not only supplements the muscle, but it also supplements recovery, and helps my focus. It’s a huge part of my routine.” 

Christian Dior Ambre Nuit Candle 

“Every day at my house, the candles get lit. I have a bunch of candles burning, but my favorite of all-time is Ambre Nuit by Christian Dior. It’s just a magical smell and lingers for quite a while—like eight hours. It’s incredible.” 

Asutra Dream the Night Away Melatonin Lotion With Magnesium

“It’s one of my favorite beauty hacks. It helps you achieve that inner and outer glow. Getting enough rest? It’s not easy—people aren’t sleeping enough. If you’re not sleeping enough, well, you know how that looks. Getting a good night’s sleep is really important for your total health: your mind, your body, and your soul, your skin, and your morale. I love using this because it keeps my body stronger and ready to take life on."

Asutra Relieve Your Pain Menthol Pain Relief Lotion

“This is my go-to for all of my aches and pains after all my workouts and matches, so that I can recover and bounce back." 

Wildling Empress Stone

“I really love it [gua sha], I think it’s fantastic. It’s a really natural, really easy way to maintain a youthful appearance. It doesn’t take much time and it doesn’t take a huge investment.” 

Outer Glow 

Eleven by Venus Williams Unrivaled Sun Serum

“I usually do most of my skincare after training, but I do this first thing in the morning. After I work out is when I’ll clean my face, put on my serums, and any kind of cream. I try to keep my routine pretty simple—that way it’s achievable."

Household Items for Haircare 

“My hair is African American hair, which is a little different from straight hair—it needs a little more oil. I actually use castor oil in combination with facial oil and that really works for me. One of my favorite proteins to use in my hair is egg—just raw egg. My mom told me to use it and I was like, ‘Oh, mom doesn’t know.’ But, when I did use it, it really helped my hair not to shed. I like to do that every six weeks depending on what kind of state my hair is in.” 

Non-Toxic Makeup

“One of the things that’s really easy to control is what you put on your body. It’s not always as easy to control what you put in your body. I’ve been slowly replacing my products with cleaner products. Exa is an amazing product, I love Thrive Causemetics—all the makeup lines at Credo.” 

Eleven by Venus Williams Ace the Day Face Lotion

“It’s nothing to sleep on. It offers UVA/UVB protection and restores skin hydration. It’s a beautiful product that you can also wear with makeup if you want to."

Recipe for Success: Venus Williams’ Avocado Salad 

Chop, Toss, and Go 

“My favorite go-to is my avocado salad. [This recipe is] very easy—you throw in whatever you like. For me, it’s avocado, tomatoes, red onions, and some herbs. I usually do cilantro and dill—I love dill. Sometimes I’ll do scallions. Then, I add some chili oil on top. I’ll mix chilis with salt, pepper, and olive oil. Finally, you can add protein. You can add eggs, you can add chicken. You want it vegan? You can do that, too. It's very quick and very easy. You can have it pre-made and just go [out the door]." 

Over the last year and a half, many of us have picked up new hobbies to fill the hours spent at home: bread-baking became so ubiquitous there was a period when you couldn’t log onto Instagram without seeing an artfully-formed amateur loaf and learning Tik Tok dances is now so mainstream even dads are doing it. Another hobby that’s a little more timeless and a little less sweaty (hey, kneading bread can be hard work!) and that proves to be a popular and relaxing pick-me-up is learning to play guitar.

The guitar has, of course, been a favorite hobby for ages, but now, more than ever, it’s the perfect time to try it out yourself. Consider the self-care benefits: Sitting with a guitar and learning to strum the chords to a favorite song helps improve concentration and increase attention span. Learning to navigate the fretboard will help develop your hand-eye coordination as your hands, fingers, and mind work together to combine notes, chords, and scales. Playing the guitar has the same benefits as journaling: the instrument helps you express yourself and acts as a creative channel to communicate your feelings to others or even just to yourself.

Another major benefit of dedicating time plucking those guitar strings is it can actually help you get over heartbreak. (Finally makes sense why there are so many songs about getting over that ex, huh?) The guitar can even serve as an outlet to help lower stress and anxiety—almost like a “therapy” instrument to help you through tough times.

The instant you pick up your first guitar, you’re also joining quite the club: Take 30 seconds to search any guitar hashtag on Instagram and you’ll see there are millions of guitar enthusiasts waiting to welcome you to the fold and cheer you on. Investing in an instrument from a trusted brand like PRS means you can enjoy the benefits of a well-crafted guitar now and eventually pass it on to the next generation guitar-lover in your life when you’re ready to welcome them to the band.

Need extra inspo to start channeling your inner Kacey Musgraves? Recent studies have shown that in some cases, women account for half of new players, and are dominating the emerging guitar market. Learning the guitar is a skill that can be picked up at any age and the positive effects can be felt from day one. So, while learning to make the perfect sourdough might be a tasty way to spend a few hours, we’ll be over here reaping the benefits of mastering our favorite breakup ballad.

Two years ago, I decided to test myself to go plastic-free for the month and WOAH. The exercise changed me, for real. I felt like I woke up to my consumption habits and suddenly became hyper-aware of the waste I create and, more importantly, where it ends up. But, in an effort to self-preserve and not feel like I’m a terrible, awful human being personally responsible for trashing the planet, I took it one step at a time. The biggest thing to remember about personal sustainability is to always aim to do your best and consider what's in your power to change. At times you'll feel like you're not doing enough, but don't panic. It’s not a competition or an opportunity to compare one another—each step in the right direction is an important one.

How can I get started with more sustainable product swaps?

The most important first step that I learned from zero waste queen, founder and CEO of Package Free, Lauren Singer, is to examine your trash. Sounds gross, but it’s the only way to really know what you toss out. Then, ask yourself if it’s possible to eliminate some of the things you are throwing away OR try a more positive swap. In this process, I’ve personally tried a ton of different things, so I put together this easy and sustainable swap list. I hope this list can help point you in the right direction to be able to evolve with time, leading the way to a better future for us all.

"When the day comes that you no longer need to accept yourself, you're dying," Jessamyn Stanley declares. Stanley is very much alive and still seeking complete self-acceptance for all of the things about herself that are, quite frankly, easier to ignore—her internalized racism, the times she has slut-shamed, the cultural appropriation she has participated in, her capitalist desires. But instead of pretending these aspects of herself don't exist, she decided to write a book for anyone who has ever disliked any part of themselves (a book she has always wanted to read): Yoke: My Yoga of Self-Acceptance (out today).

In her first book, Every Body Yoga (2017), the yoga teacher, author, entrepreneur, and co-founder of We Go High taught readers the basics of yoga—the styles, the poses, the mats—but she knew while writing it this was only a tiny piece of the puzzle. In Yoke (the word yoga means "to yoke" in Sanskrit), Stanley takes the strength, flexibility, and awareness she's learned throughout her years of practice and answers the difficult questions that arise while living the "yoga of the everyday." In other words, applying the lessons we learn on the mat to our daily lives.

Though she discusses systemic issues like racism, capitalism, and white supremacy throughout the book, Stanley isn't in the business of giving history lessons. Rather, Yoke focuses on her own personal experiences and connects them to these larger topics, covering everything from the link between white supremacy and American yoga practices ("If it came from here, it's embedded in white supremacy. Period," she says) to what it really means when we bow our heads and whisper "namaste" at the end of our yoga classes.

Ahead, Stanley chats with Marie Claire about whether or not the American yoga community has learned anything over the past year, how she's reckoned with her own involvement in American yoga practices as a queer Black woman, and her advice for new yogis.

Marie Claire: In the book, you talk about the difference between appropriation and appreciation in yoga. While reading, I kept coming back to the suffering that has been going on in India with COVID-19 and how so many people within the American yoga community haven't spoken publicly about it. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Jessamyn Stanley: Oh my god. It's just the inequity turning over itself. There's no limit to the harm that is, can be, has been, and will be caused by colonization. The COVID response in India is a really great example of that. There's so much fundamental inequity and genocide all connected and rooted in white supremacy. In the yoga community, shit's so basic and people are talking about leggings and handstands and coconut water. No one wants to acknowledge the ways in which cultural appropriation really is such a huge piece of minimizing the impact of this problem. It makes it easier for people to brush [it] under the rug, and it also makes all of us complicit in the system.

But I think that the reason people don't talk about it is because it is hard and it means accepting shame and feeling guilty. Ultimately, you can feel ashamed and you can feel guilty, especially if you are a practitioner of American yoga and you actively benefit from the system of colonization. There's a tendency to just be like, Well, I don't know how to fix that, so I just won't acknowledge it or I won't look at that. It just generally creates apathy and, for me, it's really [about] accepting the role that I play in it and trying to just accept and sit with that.

MC: You ask an important question in the book: "What does it mean for the grandchild of African slaves to find solace from an American yoga practice that's firmly rooted in the soil of white supremacy?" Do you have any clarity on this since you've written these lines?

JS: It's a paradox. I've been thinking a lot about fractals, like how a fractal just continues to recreate itself over and over again. Everything is a fractal. [My ancestors] were murdered for their own spiritual practices to the point where assimilation became the key to survival. It's interesting to me that the white man's reinterpretation of yoga that I was introduced to and that I practice and that has become the lens through which I'm able to see myself, continues to reveal the shortcomings of white supremacy. I don't know if that makes sense, but to really answer your initial question, no, I don't have more clarity on that. I would say that it's all happening for a reason and any way that you're able to find a road back to yourself is good.

MC: I know a lot of people are probably thinking, How is white supremacy linked to American yoga?

JS: It's sort of my favorite thing because I am like, "Oh my god, yes, let's talk about it. White supremacy is in everything." It's the soil in which we grow literally everything. We can be more specific, I guess, and just say, "Okay, American yoga." I'm then separating classical yoga and American yoga, so that I'm only really talking about lineages of yoga that originated in America in the 19th and 20th centuries. There's no word for how blood soaked this land is. If it came from here, it's embedded in white supremacy. Period.

A desire to not see and understand that makes sense to me. It really does. It certainly wasn't taught in schools. But the reality is that if you look at the genocide of Indigenous people, if you look at the African Diaspora and the enslavement of African people, the indentured servitude of European people, there's so much shit that has happened here and so anything that grows from that is white supremacy.

MC: Do you think the reflecting many people have done over the past year will have any influence on the American yoga community? Or do you think there's still just so much farther to go?

JS: There is still so much farther to go. I will say, I've heard more people talk about racism now than I've ever heard in my entire life and that makes me feel really optimistic because for a long time, before 2020, there was so much make-believe and pretending going on. So much, "Oh, that's not real." But after Blackout Summer, now people are like, "Okay, I can't pretend that this doesn't exist." That is incredible. But I still think that there is a narrative that if you donate a certain amount of money or read a certain number of books or follow a certain number of people on Instagram, then you will fight white supremacy or be the definition of anti-racism or solve racism or something like that. And that will not lead to longterm change. The real work that has to be done is inside of yourself...losing a desire for accolades, losing that desire to have fixed it or get it right, and just really getting comfortable with doing it wrong.

MC: In the book, you write about accepting being disliked and misunderstood. Ironically, being disliked or misunderstood is reflected in some of the press surrounding the book. How are you dealing with the responses you're getting about the link you make between white supremacy and American yoga?

JS: It's funny. I'm obviously here for it. I'm just so glad that people are talking about this. Growing up in the South, I never had any kind of confusion about racism or about people. I really appreciate that in the South people are way more straight up about it than they are in other parts of the country. You can go to Los Angeles or the Bay [Area] or New York and people will literally act like, "I'm not racist. What are you talking about?" And I'm like, "No, you are. It's okay. Everybody is." Now I'm like, "Yeah, let's talk about it." That's why I wrote the book, to provoke that kind of conversation. I'm here for it until it gets dangerous. Then I'm not.

MC: Where are you at currently—physically, mentally, and emotionally—in your yoga journey and in building your business? Will there be a day where we don't see Jessamyn on Instagram anymore?

JS: I definitely had a plan a few years ago when I was like, I don't really need to be on social media anymore. I don't feel like it's serving my practice, serving my spirit. And I feel like yoga really asks the opposite of what social media does. Social media is like: Look outside yourself for validation; look to likes and followership. But I realized that there is an opportunity through really living my yoga practice and not just being like, "Oh, look at these yoga poses. Look at what my body can do." Getting beyond that and really being like, "This is how I'm complicated. This is how I'm problematic. These are the things that really come up for me." That feels like a worthwhile expression of myself to share with the world, so that if there's anyone else who feels that way or who sees themself in that way, they can say, "Yeah, I'm problematic too. I have complicated emotions about things too. Maybe I can be myself too." That feels like a worthwhile reason to be on social media, and so that's why I stayed.

To the question of where I am physically and mentally, there's so much going on in my life right now, so much upheaval. Huge things are changing. I have lived with one of my partners for almost a decade and we moved to Durham at the same time, we have gone through many different phases of life here. We are not going to be living together for the foreseeable future and I am going to be moving into a camper trailer with my other partner and I'm going to be traveling around the United States, just living on the road. This is something that I've wanted to do, but it's something that has felt so far off. And also, [I just think,] how am I going to do this?

Yes, I have digital businesses and I share my life on social media, but there are real entities for me to be doing on a day-to-day basis, so I go into an office and I do that kind of work. But we're going to be transitioning to me being 100 percent on the road, 100 percent living on the earth and of the earth in a way that I definitely have not been. I felt very bloated by stuff and possessions and just owning things and what it means to be a part of this machine. I don't know if I can really release that completely because, honestly, I love air conditioning and clothes and all that stuff, but I do want to connect with something real. So, mentally and physically, I'm in this place of, I'm ready to move into the next phase of life, which feels really good.

MC: For someone who's thinking about getting into yoga, either as a teacher or a student, what's something you want them to know?

JS: Don't worry about what it looks like. It doesn't matter what your body looks like, it doesn't matter what your practice looks like. Your practice will look like a lot of different things throughout your life because you will look a lot of different ways throughout your life. You will grow and change and get injured and get older and have children (or not) and have accidents (or not). All kinds of things will happen to you and your body will change and your physical practice will also change. And, ultimately, as long as you're breathing, you're living your practice. The best way to share your practice with anyone is to just live your own and not worry about changing anybody else.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

What even is self-care? Is it taking a moment to be grateful? Eating that piece of chocolate? Putting on the face mask? Getting to the gym? Letting go of toxic relationships? Looking at hot pictures of Prince Harry? Nine out of 10 people would say yes to all of the above, but actually allowing ourselves to practice self-care guilt-free is a lot easier said than done (thanks, millennial culture).

Now that you've taken the first step toward achieving self-care by opening this article, download any of the 12 apps, below, that will work their stress-reducing magic to help you feel your best. Because that's what self-care is really all about.

1. Co-Star Astrology 

DOWNLOAD IT

Sometimes all it takes is a little insight from the stars to shake off a bad mood. Co-Star's daily free personalized charts—which allow you to plug in your sun, moon and rising sign—can help you understand why you may be feeling stressed, and encourage some big-picture thinking. (Trust me, it gets deep.) You can also view your friends' charts once they accept you on the app.

2. White Noise Lite 

DOWNLOAD IT

Trouble sleeping? White Noise Lite provides you with relaxing white noise, which contains frequencies with equal intensities proven to help you sleep and soothe migraines or headaches. Think: rain or birds chirping. You can mix your own sounds on the no-fee app for a personalized touch, depending on what makes you feel most comfortable.

3. PictureThis

DOWNLOAD IT

When you need to remind yourself that better days are ahead, try heading to your local park and spending some time with nature. While you do that, download the free PictureThis plant identifier app to discover the gorgeous flowers and plants around you, and bring some of that happiness home with you. The botanical encyclopedia pinpoints nearly 30 million flowers, trees, succulents, cacti, mushrooms, herbs, shrubs, and grasses, so you're able to find the ones that spark joy.

4. Headspace

DOWNLOAD IT

Headspace guides meditation beginners through hundreds of mindfulness techniques to help you achieve the balance you've desperately been craving. No need to worry about having enough time for it—two- to three-minute meditations exist for when you need to pause and center yourself in the middle of a stressful work day. Subscriptions begin at $13 per month or $95 per year.

5. Shine

DOWNLOAD IT

Shine allows you to prioritize mental health by helping set personal growth goals, sending daily motivational texts, and providing "Shine talks" on everything from stress and anxiety to self-love to burnout. (Lookin' at you, 2020 election season.) It's like having your best friend in your pocket 24/7 reminding you how badass you are. Monthly subscriptions are $10 and yearly subscriptions are $54.

6. Goodreads

DOWNLOAD IT

Curling up with an amazing book is a great escape from reality, but you don't have to do it alone. Connect with the millions of Goodreads readers (for free!) who are reading the same book as you, asking each other questions or discussing that crazy plot twist.

You can also join Marie Claire's virtual book club, #ReadWithMC, to ensure you always have someone to read with. Follow Marie Claire on Goodreads here and learn more about #ReadWithMC here.

7. Colorfy

DOWNLOAD IT

Coloring book, but make it digital. Instead of bingeing that Netflix series you've re-watched twice already, crawl under the covers and open up the Colorfy app. It's super relaxing and the only thing you'll be worrying about is staying inside the lines. Once you're done, save it and print it out to add some new wall art to your room. Access the app with weekly ($3), monthly ($8), or annual ($40) subscriptions.

8. Moment

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Ironically, there's an app to help you get off your phone and be more present. Moment tracks your phone usage, determining which apps you use the most (i.e. how much time you're spending scrolling through Twitter and Instagram in bed), and even offers coaching on how to reduce phone time—all for free. 2019, folks.

9. Amazon Music 

DOWNLOAD IT

Sometimes self-care comes in the form of listening to your favorite artists on repeat. Plug in your headphones and open up Amazon Music to stream songs from artists like Daniel Caesar and Frank Ocean who never fail to put everyone in their feels. Prime members can join for $7.99/month (non-Prime members pay $9.99/month) or $79/year.

10. Five Minute Journal

DOWNLOAD IT

Instead of fearing the tragic moment the musings in your Notes app accidentally get deleted, download the $5 Five Minute Journal app and start taking—you guessed it—five minutes out of your day to reflect and focus on the positive. It includes a timeline view to access all of your previous journal entries, daily inspiring quotes, and a one-photo-per-day tool to capture the feel-good moments, like sunsets and brunch...obviously!

11. Calm

DOWNLOAD IT

If the name didn't give it away, the free Calm app—equipped with Siri capabilities—helps people relax when dealing with stressful situations like consuming the never-ending news cycle or preparing for that upcoming job interview. It provides daily meditation, a sleep timer that will play calming music until you drift off, and masterclasses on topics including how to fuel your creativity without fear by best-selling author Elizabeth Gilbert.

12. ClassPass

DOWNLOAD IT

When many people think of self-care, they think of doing something great for their bodies, like exercising. With the free ClassPass app, you can book group fitness classes in your area, like yoga and boxing, to boost those endorphins. *Insert Legally Blonde reference here.* After you finish the class, go home and put a face mask on. You deserve it.

I spent nine months on the first draft of my debut book, What Would Frida Do? A Guide to Living Boldly (out October 20). In between countless late nights pounding at my keyboard and weekends pouring through books about her art, I also spent time in Mexico City. It was important for me to visit Kahlo's home, La Casa Azul, and to explore her neighborhood of Coyoacán. To see the world through Frida’s eyes.

Adding to the canon of incredible books that already exist about the iconic Mexican artist is intimidating enough. But as a Latina, I felt an added responsibility to carry on the torch of Kahlo’s legacy—and to carry it well. By the time I read the revised draft of my book last spring, I was in awe that I had actually done it.

Then came the email from my book publicist.

“Forgot to ask whether you speak Spanish and feel comfortable doing interviews in Spanish?” she wrote. Before I even finished reading her note, I felt a knot in my chest. It was the same tangle of anxiety that settles in my throat whenever a family member or stranger speaks to me in Spanish. I got flashbacks to being in Mexico City, vibrating with embarrassment as I struggled to explain that I was writing a book about Frida...but couldn’t fluently speak her native tongue.

I typed to my publicist with a sinking stomach: “Sadly, I’m not comfortable enough with my Spanish to do interviews.”

For many years throughout my career, I had wondered if this would eventually happen. My mother is Puerto Rican, the daughter of parents who moved from the island to the Bronx, New York, in the ‘50s. When my mom eventually married my Black American father and they headed to the suburbs of Baltimore, Maryland—where no one they knew spoke Spanish—my mom didn’t have much reason to speak the language in our household. My older brother, younger sister, and I grew up understanding it much better than we spoke it; when we’d go to my grandparents’ house, they would speak to us in Spanish, and we’d respond in English.

It didn’t feel like a big deal until I got older. I remember trying to pronounce the name of a Spanish song to a friend in college, and feeling the heat rise in my face as he burst into laughter. “Aren’t you supposed to be Puerto Rican?” he said, doubled over. That was just one of many similar encounters over the years, often punctuated with, “Oh, so you’re not really Puerto Rican,” or “How could your mother not teach you Spanish?” Over time, my inability to speak the language began to feel less like circumstance, and more like a deep-seated insecurity—a glaring red X over my identity as a Latina.

Thanks to social media and my time as a journalist, I’ve discovered that I’m far from alone. According to the Pew Research Center, in 2015, only 73 percent of Latinos spoke Spanish at home and, as of 2017, 22 percent of Latinos in the U.S. didn't speak Spanish, period. Anecdotally, I’ve found this is particularly common amongst Mexican Americans and Puerto Ricans, which makes sense given that, respectively, they are the number one and two largest groups of Latinos in the United States. It’s also important to note Puerto Rico’s status as a U.S. colony, which means American culture and English are heavier influences there than many other places in Latin America.

Research suggests one of the common reasons language doesn’t travel through generations is because of assimilation; often, immigrant families simply want their children to fit in and not face discrimination, so they’ll solely speak in English at home. That leads to many second and third generation Americans, like me, who identify as Latinx and are proud of their heritage, but don’t fluently speak the language of their ancestors.

Still, after I responded to my publicist that afternoon, I felt defeated. I knew that I wasn’t alone in my struggles with Spanish, but that didn’t make them any easier to admit. Then my eyes flickered to the lockscreen on my iPhone, a shot of the vibrant yellow cover of What Would Frida Do? Suddenly, it hit me: Why wasn’t I asking myself...what would Frida do? I had written a guide about living a bold life, inspired by one of history’s boldest women. It was time to take my own advice.

“Frida’s fearlessness in the face of her flaws can inspire us to get over our own imposter syndrome, whether we’re feeling inadequate in the boardroom or in a relationship,” I wrote in a chapter about confidence. “I can imagine that she would tell us—even if we don’t quite believe it ourselves—to always be our own biggest cheerleaders.” After rereading those lines, I was ready to stop complaining about not speaking Spanish, and finally do something about it.

After a few hours of research, I came across Fluenz, a program that helps students learn languages through curated, week-long immersions in cities like Mexico City and Barcelona. During the pandemic, founder Sonia Gil and her team decided to recreate the typically in-person process with a six-week virtual immersion. I was hesitant about committing to three classes per week while working remotely, but I decided that if I was going to be serious about this, I needed to be all-in.

During my initial assessment, I took a deep breath to overcome my usual shyness and explained to my team of coaches—all based in Mexico City but from various Latin American countries—that my Spanish was intermediate, despite the fact that I’m Puerto Rican. But Gil was quick to reassure me.

“This is a story I hear from a lot of my students: ‘I’m proud of my heritage and who I am, and I understand [Spanish] better than I speak it, but I want to be able to speak without hesitating and feel good about it,’” Gil says. After many years of teaching, she knows that “learning a language puts you in one of the most vulnerable positions you can be in.”

But, she adds, the only way to learn a language is to do just that: learn it. “If you feel ashamed because you have an accent or that you’re gonna sound like a toddler—that’s okay. You are going to sound like a toddler! But eventually, that toddler will grow up into a confident adult. It just takes time.”

Accepting that when I opened my mouth I might sound like a babbling baby was much easier said than done; after all, it took writing an entire book about an unapologetic, resilient woman to get the courage to face my fear head on. But I decided to accept the challenge. Three times a week after work, I would open up a Zoom session with the Fluenz team. Between lessons on grammar and Spanish reading comprehension, my teachers would chat with me. They’d ask about my life, my job, my previous travels, and how I was coping with the pandemic—all in Spanish.

For the first few weeks, I felt the familiar anxiety creep up when I stumbled over words or tried to remember basic phrases. Every time I would clam up, though, I’d try to remember my guiding question: What would Frida do? I envisioned myself in the future, talking to a reporter on the phone or maybe even on television, speaking confidently about my book in crisp, clear Spanish. Then I’d take a deep breath, and just...talk. I began to think less and less as I slipped into conversation.

One evening after a Friday night class, I got into an Uber to meet a friend for an outdoor dinner. The driver immediately began making small talk, and we chatted casually. It took me a few minutes before I realized that we were speaking Spanish—and it had come naturally to me. For the first time, I wasn’t overthinking, and I didn’t feel my cheeks getting red. When there was a break in conversation, he turned up the radio, humming as he blasted one of my mom’s favorite Héctor Lavoe salsa songs. As I gazed out the open window with the New York City skyline whizzing by, I noticed the knot in my chest had dissipated into the night air.

After six weeks of virtual lessons, I’m not fluent. (To be fair, Gil says it’s basically impossible for anyone to become fluent in six weeks.) But since that night, I’ve felt my confidence increase whenever I speak Spanish with friends, family, or even strangers. Instead of assuming everyone is prepared to laugh at me, I’ve learned that, in the end, everyone just wants to connect through a shared culture—and, for my culture, that includes a shared language.

So, while I still have a long way to go before I’d feel ready to do an interview about Frida entirely in Spanish, I am proud of my progress. I’m proud that I took the first step, that I put myself out there, and that I’m even typing these words. And I think Frida would be pretty proud, too.

When star executive Gail McGovern first met a young and ambitious Dan Schulman, it wasn’t mentorship at first sight. “I vividly remember calling him Don,” laughs McGovern about the pair’s awkward introduction at a telecom award ceremony in the late ’80s. But even then, Gail recognized something in Dan that was unmistakable: the qualities of a natural leader.

Now the trailblazing president and CEO of PayPal, Dan Schulman draws from his decades-long mentorship with McGovern as he leads with a values-driven commitment to his employees. “It’s about creating the best management team possible and creating competitive advantage,” says Schulman. And since he took the helm of the brand in 2014 and McGovern (who is now also the president and CEO of The American Red Cross) joined PayPal’s board in 2015, the tech and finance giant has become a leader in equal pay initiatives, and has most recently made a $530 million pledge to support Black-owned businesses.

The two executives sat down with Marie Claire's editor-in-chief Aya Kanai to discuss what leadership means today and how an emphasis on diversity plays a key role in company success.

On Discovering Values-Based Leadership

Aya Kanai: Gail, how did you identify Dan as a leader? 

Gail McGovern: Dan doesn’t do well with compliments, but honestly, he is extraordinary; he’s tough, he’s strategic, he sets high objectives, and he expects his team to make them. He always seems to be able to figure out what the future is going to bring.

AK: Dan, I think that you were a true pioneer when it comes to putting the employees needs first. Did your relationship with Gail influence your path towards this style of values-driven leadership?

Dan Schulman: I think so much of what Gail said about me, I would echo about her. I learned from Gail what it means to be my authentic self in the workplace. So many people have a “work persona” and a “personal persona,” and you’re so much more powerful when you can bring your whole self to the work environment. That’s who Gail is.

She was always this rockstar that I looked up to and admired but she was also the only leader that I saw that had a heart as big as her intellect. When I met her and got to know her, she really took me under her arm. I could only have imagined and hoped that she would become my mentor.

AK: Dan, when you were creating the pioneering Employee Financial Wellness Program—which, among many things, increased wages and expanded benefits for PayPal employees when it was launched in 2019—did Gail’s council influence you at all?

DS: I think that the only way you have sustainable competitive advantage is to have the very best employees working for you. And the only way the very best employees will work for you is if they believe in what you’re doing—they believe in the values, and they know that you care about them, and respect them and listen to them, and that they matter.

From my mentorship with Gail I learned that you can’t do it alone. She established personal relationships with her teams both as a group and individually. And I saw what sort of competitive advantage that brings when you have this focus on your employees, not on yourself.

On Building Competitive Diversity

AK: How do you think that diversity and inclusion can be promoted in C-suite positions?

GM: As soon as I was able to get to a vantage point where I could make a difference, I tried really hard to promote women because there were none at the executive level. I tried to embrace diversity and inclusion because I understood what it's like to be in an organization where there isn’t a lot of diversity or people like you. I think for women in particular, there’s this thought that, “If I work really really hard, somebody will notice, and they’ll promote me.” But I think we all have an obligation to look for bright, shining stars.

AK: And Dan, how can men in executive roles help to promote diversity in the next generation of leadership?

DS: You need to demand it!

The first board member I recommended to join PayPal’s board was Gail. Until that point, the board was 100% white male. Today we’re 50% diverse in terms of gender. Why? Because we demanded it. Yes, there were tons of really qualified, very good, white males who could have come on to our board, but we found unbelievable women and people of color who joined us and helped broaden our views of the world. I’m so proud of our board—it’s a symbol of who we are as a company. Throughout PayPal we’re almost 60% diverse, and I think that’s a large part of why we are as successful as we are.

AK: And of course now, there’s now a sense of urgency to achieve diversity and equality at every level.

DS: I can't believe we're still talking about equal pay. How can you not pay women and people of color the same amount white males earn? When I came in to PayPal and I asked “Are we paying equally?” we did a study and, of course, found that we weren't. I understand it’s hard, but that is not an excuse.

There was then this big number that we needed to address. People were like, “Well you could kind of close the gap over like three years,” and I was like “Nope. Close it next month, and then every year let's be sure that we go back and do that again across ethnicity and across gender.”

I think about the competitive advantage that we gain by doing that, and I think about the degree of passion that we unleash inside the company as a result of it. If more leaders would understand that this isn’t about saving money—it’s about creating the best management team possible and creating a competitive advantage—we could solve this issue very very quickly.

On Establishing an Enduring Mentorship

AK: What advice do you have for young people who are looking for a mentor? You have been lifelong advisors to each other, and it’s clearly benefited you both so much.

GM: It’s not like you say, “I’m going to go to the store and buy a mentor now.” The people that senior people want to mentor are the ones that show promise. When I look for somebody that I want on my shortlist, I always just look for two things: smart and nice. There are very few levers that you have when you’re running an organization other than staffing the right people. And so putting a lot of attention on that is going to benefit the company and ultimately benefit yourself too.

DS: There’s a difference between mentorship and somebody calling you up for advice and council. A mentor is somebody that you’ll be in a relationship with for years going forward. It's not the occasional “What would you do here?” or “I’m thinking about two different jobs, which one should I take?”

What happens in any good mentorship is you become friends because you trust them and they trust you. When Gail is on my calendar, that’s my favorite call of the day. I look forward to it because we’re going to catch up on each other’s lives, we’re going to compare experiences, and we’re just going to learn from each other. It's one of those things that has grown to be a deep friendship.

GM: Dan and I are really at a point in our careers where we learn from one another. We recently had a call and I took note of a couple of things he’s doing to get us through these incredibly challenging times, and I shared things with him the things that I'm doing. It’s great to have a colleague like that and it’s just been a privilege to be able to watch him and emulate his the behavior myself.

Q: I am very passionate about eco causes. How can I even begin to communicate with climate-change deniers?

Trying to connect with those who actively oppose your views is a good way to lose your cool (pun intended), but listening is a good place to start. A hot-button issue like climate change may seem to present a gulf too wide to bridge, but research shows that there are, in fact, productive ways to engage with people on the other side of an issue. For starters, avoid adopting an “us versus them” mentality. The moment we stop thinking of people as individuals and cast them as members of a group, we run the risk of creating stereotypes. Sweeping assumptions like “They just want to ruin the planet” and “They only care about themselves” limit the possibility of a dialogue. When we actually talk to individuals about their opinions and, more important, hear what they’re saying, we create an opportunity to engage.

It’s tempting to just rattle off statistics and cite studies about how climate change is melting icebergs and endangering turtles, but facts don’t necessarily change minds. People have reasons for their beliefs, and those reasons aren’t always obvious. Try asking about their values, and seek common ground. For instance, if the person’s chief concern is what opportunities will be available for grandkids, explain how renewable energy is generating lots of jobs.

Another point to keep in mind when encouraging others to be more environmentally conscious: Guilt doesn’t work. It often backfires; people get defensive when they’re told they should feel guilty about not making more sustainable choices. Data from Columbia University’s Center for Research on Environmental Decisions found that highlighting their pride is a more effective approach. Reminding someone that he or she can make a real difference is more powerful motivation.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York and the founder of positiveprescription.com.

This article originally appeared in the April 2020 issue of Marie Claire.

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Q: I buy only green products these days, including things I didn’t even know I needed. While I like being environmentally conscious, I worry I’m overdoing it and contributing to the waste problem.

It feels good to go green. For real: Research shows that using eco-friendly products creates a warm glow known as the green-consumption effect—a heightened sense of enjoyment and a deeper feeling of connection to others. Buying items that show you care about the planet signals to others your virtue and values. Capitalizing on eco-conscious consumers’ eagerness to do good, feel good, and look good means marketers are working overtime to convince us to buy green products. But if you already own three pairs of yoga pants, buying that fair-trade, recycled-plastic-bottle fourth pair isn’t really helping the environment.

Take out the word green from green products—and you are still left with…products. “Green materialism” (coined by researcher Sabrina Helm at the University of Arizona) is still materialism. Advertisers pressure us to acquire more eco-friendly items, but, from a sustainability perspective, reducing consumption is key. So, a better strategy is repairing (not replacing) older items, getting only what you need, and avoiding impulse buys. Plus, contrary to what most ads tell us, research shows that buying less makes us happier and more satisfied with our lives. Bottom line: Acquiring less really is more—and it’s good for your wallet, the world, and all of our well-being.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York and the founder of positiveprescription.com.

This article originally appeared in the April 2020 issue of Marie Claire.

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Feeling stuck in a rut, or just out of sorts? We got you. Sometimes, you just need a couple of positive, candid, inspiration-giving quotes that'll help you see the light of the end of the tunnel. From the women (and some men) who have seen it all, done it all, and have the wisdom to help you through anything, we present: Inspirational, timeless lines that will get you through even the darkest of days. You may just need one or two of these quotes—the ones that really speak to you and your situation—but we listed 108 of them (yes, 108) so that there's something for everyone.

"Do not live someone else's life and someone else's idea of what womanhood is. Womanhood is you." —Viola Davis

"They cannot stand that a refugee, a black woman, an immigrant, a Muslim, shows up in Congress thinking she's equal to them. But I say to them, 'How else did you expect me to show up?'" — Ilhan Omar

"If it doesn't scare you, you're probably not dreaming big enough." —Tory Burch

"Feminism is for everybody." —bell hooks

"There's something so special about a woman who dominates in a man's world. It takes a certain grace, strength, intelligence, fearlessness, and the nerve to never take no for an answer."
—Rihanna

“If we do not lift up women and families, everyone will fall short.”—Kamala Harris

"Perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring." —Tina Fey

“I am a feminist. I’m proud to be a feminist.” —Justin Trudeau

"I always wanted to be a femme fatale. Even when I was a young girl, I never really wanted to be a girl. I wanted to be a woman." —Diane von Furstenberg

"I don't know a woman alive who isn't courageous." —Reese Witherspoon

"Women are leaders everywhere you look—from the CEO who runs a Fortune 500 company to the housewife who raises her children and heads her household. Our country was built by strong women, and we will continue to break down walls and defy stereotypes."
—Nancy Pelosi

"I don't have to be perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect, and beautiful journey of my life." —Kerry Washington

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different." —Coco Chanel

"I'm attracted to films that have strong female characters because there are strong female characters in my life." —Ryan Gosling

"Real men treat women with dignity and give them the respect they deserve." —Prince Harry

"If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman." —Margaret Thatcher

"I'm tough. I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay." —Madonna

"All men should be feminists. If men care about women's rights, the world will be a better place. We are better off when women are empowered." —John Legend

"There is no limit to what we, as women, can accomplish."
—Michelle Obama

"Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in." — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

"A woman is never sexier than when she is comfortable in her own clothes." —Vera Wang

"Know what? Bitches get stuff done." —Tina Fey

"I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story—I will." —Amy Schumer

"Women are complicated. Women are multifaceted. Not because women are crazy. But because people are crazy, and women happen to be people." —Tavi Gevinson

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what a feminist is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat." —Rebecca West

"Women’s speech—and the fact that we are now listening to it—has enraged men in a way that makes them determined to reestablish the longstanding hierarchy of power in America. ... And yet this awful truth will not stop women from speaking, and I do not think that it will turn a movement into a moment. It has become clear that there is not nearly enough left to lose." — Jia Tolentino

"Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world."
—Marilyn Monroe

"No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor." —Betty Friedan

"Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got."
—Sophia Loren

"It needs to be said and heard: It's okay to be who you are."
—Hailee Steinfeld

"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt

"The idea that a woman can be as powerful as a man is something that our society can’t deal with. But I am as powerful as a man and it drives them crazy." —Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

"A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'For a man, you're kind of ignorant.'" —Anne Hathaway

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." —Alice Walker

"The most effective way to do it, is to do it."
—Amelia Earhart

“The word’s out: I’m a woman, and I’m going to have trouble backing off on that. I am what I am. I’ll go out and talk to people about what’s happening to their families, and when I do that, I’m a mother. I’m a grandmother.” —Elizabeth Warren

"You can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them." —Shonda Rhimes

“I think women are very powerful and I think we’re more powerful together than separated.” – Zendaya

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." —Lucille Ball

"When we show up, act boldly, and practice the best ways to be wrong, we fail forward. No matter where we end up, we’ve grown from where we began." —Stacey Abrams

"I was smart enough to go through any door that opened." —Joan Rivers

"If I stop to kick every barking dog I am not going to get where I'm going." —Jackie Joyner-Kersee

"A woman with a voice is, by definition, a strong woman." —Melinda Gates

"Act tough: what others call tough, I call persistent." —Estée Lauder

"My mother told me to be a lady. And for her, that meant to be your own person, be independent." —Ruth Bader Ginsburg

"Never dull your shine for anyone else." —Tyra Banks

"I only know that people call me a FEMINIST whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat." —Rebecca West

"A champion is defined not by their wins, but by how many times they recover when they fall." —Serena Williams

"I hope to be changing 'til the last day on this earth." —Katy Perry

"I love my body because I know what it's been through to be what it is." —Gigi Hadid

"The mere fact of being able to call your job your passion is success in my eyes." —Alicia Vikander

"I don't care what you think about me. I don't care about you at all." —Coco Chanel

"Don't waste your energy trying to change opinions. Do your thing, and don't care if they like it." —Tina Fey

"Fear is stupid, so are regrets." —Marilyn Monroe

"Fashion you can buy, but style you possess." —Iris Apfel

"Flaws are my favorite part of people, usually." —Emma Stone

"Dreams are achievable and you can make your fantasy come true, but there are no shortcuts. Nothing happens without hard work." —Diane von Furstenberg

"It's not about the dress you wear. It's about the life you lead in the dress." —Diana Vreeland

"I am a feminist. I'm proud to be a feminist." —Justin Trudeau

"A FEMINIST is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men." —Gloria Steinem

"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women." —Maya Angelou

"Human rights are women's rights, and women's rights are human rights. Let us not forget that among those rights are the right to speak freely — and the right to be heard." —Hillary Rodham Clinton

"I'm better for all the things that have happened to me, the good, the bad and the bad" —Julia Roberts

"You have to accept your body. You may not love it all the way, but you have to be comfortable with it, comfortable knowing that that's your body." —Rihanna

"The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something." —Barack Obama

"Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched." —Mindy Kaling

"I want young people to know they matter, that they belong. So don't be afraid—you hear me, young people? Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered." —Michelle Obama

"Your regrets aren't what you did, but what you didn't do. So I take every opportunity." —Cameron Diaz

"Knowing what must be done does away with fear." —Rosa Parks

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." —Nora Ephron

"It's not brave to do something that doesn't scare you." —Lena Dunham

"If men don't have to be aggressive in order to be accepted, women won't feel compelled to be submissive. If men don't have control, women don't have to be controlled." —Emma Watson

"I don't like to gamble, but if there's one thing I'm willing to bet on, it's myself." —Beyoncé

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." —Ayn Rand

"Happiness is not a goal; it's a by-product." —Eleanor Roosevelt

"Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." —Oprah

"Each person must live their life as a model for others." —Rosa Parks

"Feminism is not a stick with which to beat other women. It's about freedom, it's about liberation, it's about equality." —Emma Watson

"We've chosen the path to equality, don't let them turn us around." —Geraldine Ferraro

"You can do one of two things: just shut up, which is something I don't find easy, or learn an awful lot very fast, which is what I tried to do." —Jane Fonda

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." —Janis Joplin

"Don't let anyone tell you you're weak because you're a woman." —Mary Kom

"In the future, there will be no female leaders. There will be just leaders." —Sheryl Sandberg

"I've learned the main thing in life is that you get what you put in." —Adele

"I have learned that it is no one else's job to take care of me but me." —Beyoncé

"I try to keep it real. I don't have time to worry about what I'm projecting to the world. I'm just busy being myself." —Demi Lovato

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be." —Elizabeth Gilbert

"I come in peace, but mean business." —Janelle Monáe

"Don't be a rock when you really are a gem." —Lauryn Hill

"I'm just happy we live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers." —Taylor Swift

"We need to stop buying into the myth about gender equality. It isn't a reality yet." —Beyoncé

"Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?" —Frida Kahlo

"At 70 years old if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the word 'f—k off' much more frequently." —Helen Mirren

"Telling our stories, first to ourselves and then to one another and the world, is a revolutionary act." —Janet Mock

"I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both." —Patricia Schroeder

"My dad always said, 'Don't fit into the glass slipper like Cinderella did, shatter the glass ceiling.'" —Priyanka Chopra

"It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and your real estate." —Amy Poehler

"I was the first woman to burn my bra—it took the fire department four days to put it out." —Dolly Parton

"Honoring our sexuality as women is a messy, messy business, but if we don't try, what do we become?" —Emily Ratajkowski

"Whisky, gambling, and Ferraris are better than housework." —Françoise Sagan

"What makes you different or weird—that is your strength." —Meryl Streep

"It will be great when it's not such a big deal when a woman does a good job." —Susan Sarandon

"Men don't age better than women, they're just allowed to age." —Carrie Fisher

"The only person I really believe in is me." —Debbie Harry

"I can't think of any better representation of beauty than someone who is unafraid to be herself." —Emma Stone

Ginger Rogers"I did everything he did but backwards and in high heels." —Ginger Rogers

"I want every little girl who's told she's bossy to be told instead she has leadership skills." —Sheryl Sandberg

Q: I’m the breadwinner in my family, which sometimes leads to resentment on my part when my husband isn’t pulling his weight. When I try to broach the topic, he gets defensive. Advice?

From my experience, arguments about money are rarely just about money. They’re about what money represents to those involved. Instead of fixating on dollars and cents and who owes/deserves what, shift the focus to the underlying emotions. Is your husband feeling controlled by the current financial situation? Is it making him feel vulnerable or insecure? What does being the breadwinner mean to you?

People have different money mindsets: Some are savers, others are spenders, and pretty much everyone has a personal definition of value. These beliefs are shaped by how we grew up and what money meant to our parents. For instance, I had a patient whose father lost his job when she was in middle school. The family sold their home and ended up moving in with relatives in a different state. This experience undoubtedly informed how she thought about her own finances and created issues with her significant other, who was far less cautious. Instead of allowing the conflict to drive a wedge between them, they used it to gain a greater understanding of each other and ultimately generate a shared understanding of what money meant to them as a couple.

So, here’s my two cents (pun intended): Have an open conversation about what money means to each of you. Money is so easily weaponized. Choose to disarm it instead.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positiveprescription.com.

This story originally appeared in the February 2020 issue of Marie Claire.

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How many face products do you own? Not just the stuff you use regularly, but all of it: the subscription-box samples, the serum your friend swears by, the mask your Instagram feed practically force-fed you. “The world of skincare has just exploded, but it’s important to take a step back and think, ‘What’s your end game? What are you trying to change?’” says New York City dermatologist Dendy Engelman. “If you’re already happy with your skin, then maintain and protect it. You don’t need to add new products unless you have a problem you want to fix.”

And if you do have a problem, you can’t just start trying random lotions, essences, and scrubs without a strategy. “I’ve found that so many of the products in people’s medicine cabinets are there to fix things they did to themselves with other products,” says Boston dermatologist Ranella Hirsch. With that in mind, the editors at Marie Claire put together an everything guide to skincare right now, from how to get a doctor’s help with your skin concerns if you live in a “dermatologist desert” to the new super-niche brands laser focused on your complexion’s specific needs.

Do yourself a solid and take a week to reset your complexion this year, using the steps below. Your skin will thank you.

Step 1: Do a One-Week Skincare Reset

If you like the way your complexion looks, skip to step 3. But, if you have any type of irritation, redness, rash, breakout, or excessive dryness or oiliness, this refresh will help make sure it’s not caused by a product. For a week, pare back to the basics: Stay out of the sun and use a gentle cleanser and moisturizer that don’t contain fragrance or active ingredients such as over-the-counter drugs, essential oils, vitamins, acids, anti-agers, antioxidants, or skin brighteners.

Our Favorite Gentle Cleansers

“Depending on what you were using, you might look worse before you look better,” says Dr. Hirsch, who notes that vitamin A derivatives like retinoids work on a deeper level, so their effects may take longer to purge. “But if you have an issue caused by a product, it will usually clear up in about a week.”

Step 2: Find Your Basics

After your reset week, it’s pretty safe to assume any remaining issues you have are not caused by a product. Now’s the time to take a good look in the mirror. If you like what you see, keep using the same cleanser and moisturizer. (If not, you may need to swap them for products with active ingredients; keep reading.)

Our Favorite Everyday Moisturizers

Step 3: Wear Sunscreen

This may be the only additional product you need. If you’re vigilant about using
SPF, it can do more than maintain your skin. “People think of sunscreen as protective, but it’s also corrective,” explains Dr. Engelman. “In studies where people applied sunscreen regularly, the degree of aging slowed and hyperpigmentation decreased. It was truly miraculous.” That means SPF is the best anti-aging treatment you can buy, hands down.

Our Favorite No-Sting Sunscreens

Step 4: Consider Using an Antioxidant Serum

Opinions vary, but most dermatologists consider an antioxidant serum a basic because it offers an added layer of skin protection against pollution and sun damage. “It’s an insurance policy when worn under sunscreen,” says Dr. Engelman. Look for one that contains vitamins C and E. A serum with antioxidant-rich botanical ingredients (green tea, for example) or other antioxidants such as ferulic acid can work too. Or you could swap that gentle moisturizer for one that has antioxidants built in. (They likely won’t be in as high a concentration as they would be in the serum.) Remember: Any new product you introduce could trigger a new skin issue, in which case go back to step 1.

Step 5: Treat Acne (If You Have It)

For people with blemishes, all other skincare matters are secondary. Find an expert you trust (ideally a dermatologist); make sure she asks a ton of questions about your lifestyle, your diet, and the products you use; and then stick to the regimen you both agree on. “There are multiple pathogenic factors for acne, and the best approach is to combine different products and drugs with complementary mechanisms of action to address as many of those causes as possible,” says New York City dermatologist Joshua Zeichner. If that sounds complicated, that’s because it is. The treatment process often takes trial and error and time (some drugs take up to seven months to be fully effective, Dr. Zeichner notes), but if you stick with it, you will see improvement.

Step 6: Identify Any Other Skin Concerns You Have

This is where things get tricky. Look at your skin and make a list of things you’d like to change. Thinking, “I don’t know—I just want to look better!” won’t cut it. The key to great skin is feeling great about your skin; you have to ID what’s bothering you in order to fix it. If you need help making your list, find a picture of yourself when you were happier with your complexion and figure out what changed. Was your texture smoother then? Do you have more spots now? Did your pores seem less noticeable then? Is your skin redder now? This process may seem reductive, but think about it: Why use a sheet mask here or a face oil there if you don’t have a specific problem to solve?

Step 7: Know When to See a Dermatologist

If your list of skin concerns includes deep creases, hollow areas under eyes, under-eye bags that protrude enough to cast shadows, gauntness, a double chin, or a soft or jowly jawline, visit a dermatologist. You could see a slight improvement from nonprescription topical products, but these issues are notoriously tough to treat, and expert advice and nonsurgical (or surgical) procedures may be in order.

For everything else, skincare can help. “Most products these days are well labeled if you take the time to look at the adjectives on the packaging and read the claims,” says Dr. Hirsch. To treat fine lines, look for terms like anti-wrinkle; if you have dullness or spots, you want brightening; if you’re oily, find something mattifying; if you have blackheads, go for clarifying. You get the idea. If you don’t, consider buying a personalized regimen: Atolla formulates products based on a quiz and a three-part at-home diagnostic test that identifies your skin type, and it helps you track changes. Other options include Skinsei and Curology.

Some final advice: If you can’t tell what a product does—or the instructions are vague, it doesn’t state what improvements to expect, or it makes claims that aren’t backed by clinical tests—then it probably isn’t worth your money.

A version of this story appeared in the Holiday 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

Q: Why bother making resolutions if they’re doomed to fail?

Full disclosure: I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. They have too much power over us. The idea that the opportunity for a fresh start rolls around only once a year is intimidating. Failure to maintain a resolution can lead to feelings of inadequacy and defeat and rebound unhealthy behavior. A patient whose resolution was to cut out junk food was doing well until a friend’s birthday party at the end of January. The setback sapped her motivation and extinguished her optimism that she could maintain a healthy diet. Several days of unrestrained indulgence followed. Convinced she would never succeed, she completely abandoned her goal of eating healthy and succumbed to the what-the-hell effect, consuming many of the foods she had sworn not to eat. “All is lost,” she told me when I met her.

Instead of focusing exclusively on the beginning of the year to make a positive change, recognize that there are many opportunities to commit and recommit to a goal throughout the year. Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania found that any day that feels like a new beginning—a Monday, the first day of the month, the start of a new semester, a holiday, a birthday, and the like—is an optimal time to turn over a new leaf.

These naturally occurring temporal landmarks separate the current self from past failures and function as wellsprings of motivation. The abundance of fresh-start opportunities throughout the year means you have repeated chances to initiate positive change, not just at New Year’s. If you encounter a setback, you can always start again next month, next Monday, or, as my patient decided, “My fresh start begins tomorrow.”

Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York and the founder of PositivePrescription.com.

A version of this story appeared in the Holiday 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Juliana Goldman could be the poster woman for a growing phenomenon you’ve likely heard about by now: the “new” sobriety. She doesn’t keep booze in her home, has dialed back alcohol-fueled friendships, and has practiced navigating after-work drinks without, well, drinks. But the 33-year-old owner of a New York City PR firm can’t quite imagine going on a date without, as she puts it, that “personality drink.” Nor is she interested in soldiering through weddings and other social-anxiety-provoking events without a glass of liquid courage in hand. Her main motivation for the 90 degree turn: “When you’re drinking, you’re not really yourself. It’s an escape,” she says. “I want to be more present in life in general.”

“Sober” used to equal alcoholic, which used to equal rehab or AA, followed by—if you were lucky—a lifetime of careful teetotaling. No more. Today, sobriety, like so many things, exists on a spectrum. You’ve got your absolute, old-school nondrinkers. Then you’ve got Dry January practitioners, who periodically cut out booze to cleanse mind and body (there’s also Sober October, a.k.a. “Mocktober”); “mindful drinkers,” who imbibe on occasion and, as the yogis say, “with intention”; and those who never loved the way alcohol made them feel or behave and who now, in an era of CBD-infused everything and legal pot, have a wide and largely destigmatized array of nonalcoholic substances to choose from.

In July 2018, Audrey Gelman, CEO and cofounder of the women’s coworking chain the Wing, posted on Twitter, “I am two years sober today. Feeling very grateful and very blessed.” Her longtime friend Lena Dunham told a podcast last fall that she was “never a drinker.” Blake Lively doesn’t drink. Neither do Jennifer Lopez, Natalie Portman, Kim Kardashian West, Zendaya, Christina Ricci, Jennifer Hudson, Sarah Silverman, and Lucy Hale. Rumer Willis tried a sober January in 2017 and just kept going, she announced on Instagram six months later.

Virgin drinks aren’t new, but sober bars are. The artfully concocted, blackberry-garnished glasses of Ginger Spice served at Getaway in Brooklyn are a manifestation of this movement: alcohol-free, $13 drinks served in a bar that—as a sign outside the door reminds those who enter—is strictly a “0 percent” establishment. Co-owner Regina Dellea, 30—who does drink, though rarely—sees questioning one’s relationship with alcohol as her generation disrupting one more norm. “I think about it every time I watch, like, Modern Family,” Dellea says. “The mom always has a glass of wine, even if she’s sitting down to read or by the pool. It’s like, Oh, this is how you relax.” Also in New York, 33-year-old Lorelei Bandrovschi’s rowdy booze-free pop-up Listen Bar—which, according to its website, serves “drinks not draaanks”—is raising funds through crowdfunding (nearly doubling its initial goal of $25,000) and private investing to help open a permanent space. New Yorkers also have nonalcoholic Ambrosia Elixirs and Nymphaea Elixir Bar at the Assemblage Hotel, and a nonalcoholic karaoke bar, Juicebox Heroes (part of regular bar Mini Rex), is in the works. There’s dry Sans Bar in Austin (which has hosted pop-ups at SXSW and in St. Louis, Anchorage, and Portland, Oregon, and opened outposts in L.A. and Kansas City), plus London has three locations of alcohol-free Redemption Bar.

According to a February 2019 IWSR Drinks Market Analysis study, 52 percent of Americans are “currently trying, or have tried in the past, to reduce alcohol intake.” Abstainers have plenty of new tipples to choose from that are far less conspicuous than the green-labeled O’Doul’s of yore. The chicly bottled, golden-hued Töst, a sparkling white tea, cranberry, and ginger blend, will fizz alluringly in your champagne flute. British mixer Seedlip looks like hipster gin and calls itself a “distilled nonalcoholic spirit.” Another U.K. alcohol-free brand, Stryyk, plans to launch products like Not Vodka and Not Gin stateside next year. Cocktail-alternative brand Kin Euphorics, which uses nootropics (supplements purported to enhance brain function), adaptogens (plants that may help you cope with stress), and botanicals, seems tailor-made for the Goop set; the company also hosts “Kin O’Clock” events, or booze-free happy hours. For those who miss mid-aughts-era cocktails, Philadelphia-based entrepreneur Laura Taylor, 48, founded Mingle Mocktails, which offers sparkling bottled riffs on Bellinis, cosmos, mojitos, and Moscow mules. In recent months, Heineken, Peroni, and Guinness have all released 0 percent beers. (Heineken 0.0 has even sponsored the U.S. Open and Formula E Racing.) And Molson Coors, which owns brands including Miller Lite and Grolsch, recently bought kombucha and chai-tea companies.

So who are all of these products and places catering to? The most talked about among the New Soberistas are the “sober curious”—a term popularized by author and new-sobriety guru Ruby Warrington in her 2018 book of the same title. (She has since launched a podcast.) It refers to those who drink less than they once did, or not at all, but who are not quite sober either. The “curious” part, Warrington explains, is about “questioning every instinct, every invitation, and every expectation to drink versus going along with the dominant drinking culture.”

Even people who don’t consider themselves anywhere near addicted are beginning to question our culture’s deeply ingrained script on alcohol, rejecting the assumption that women in particular need that glass of rioja to wind down, to be “yourself,” to loosen up—or just to feel baseline okay after a day of work or even a day of play. Which could make for an interesting holiday party season. At this risky, risqué time of the year—when the lines between personal and professional blur and the bar is perpetually open—a new and fairly radical question has taken shape in the minds of an increasing number of young women: Will I drink?

For many, this is sobriety not as addiction recovery but as a lifestyle choice that goes hand in hand with the wellness trend explosion. The number-one question Warrington gets from women who are newly sober curious: Am I committing social suicide? Her advice is to trust that your existing friendships are true, “not just based on your shared appreciation for mimosas,” but also to find ways to meet up with other nondrinking people. “Thank goodness for Instagram,” says Warrington, 43, who is planning Sober Curious–branded events for Dry January 2020 and beyond. Many people tell her social media is their alternative to AA meetings; it’s how they find people in their own cities to confide in.

Founded in 1935, AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous, whose mission is to help people achieve sobriety, estimates more than two million members in 180 countries are in recovery today. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. Members attend meetings, where they remain as anonymous as they choose to be. Some chapters give out milestone chips noting how long a member has remained sober. Though the organization bills itself as nonreligious, its famous Twelve Steps, a set of guiding principles for conducting one’s life, often invoke God—including turning “our will and our lives over to the care of God.” AA stresses, however, that the term God is up for personal interpretation. Still, younger generations are looking beyond church basements to find support when easing up on tossing it back.

At each of the Wing’s nine locations, sobriety support-group meetings are led regularly by licensed therapists. The Wing declined to comment other than to say, “As you can imagine, we really try to preserve the sacredness and privacy of that space for our members.” But their existence seems telling. Now, even among high-achieving, appearance-conscious young professionals, it’s become socially acceptable to own up to having a drinking problem—or, as the sober curious might put it, a problematic relationship with drinking.

When Hip Sobriety website founder Holly Whitaker quit drinking in 2012, she felt like she “was somewhere before” becoming an alcoholic. And other than an expensive rehab that her insurance didn’t cover, AA was the only game in town. But after a few sessions, she began to feel that Alcoholics Anonymous’s philosophy that followers should “shut up and listen … give it up to God, be humble, ask forgiveness, break down ego” was designed to dismantle something she doesn’t have: male privilege. She started to think, If I have to acknowledge that my ego is running the show one more time, I’m going to fucking scream my face off. Instead, Whitaker, 40, kicked booze on her own. In 2014, she founded her website, an account of her sobriety journey, and a few years later, she began coaching sobriety groups online several times a year; some 3,000 people have gone through her program.

This past May, Whitaker rebranded the site as Tempest, an eight-week virtual sobriety school that offers what she calls “a holistic approach”—daily emails, group processing calls, Q&A sessions, one-on-one coaching, and a follow-up aftercare program. Tempest offers a road map to address problem drinking without making anyone embrace the scarlet A that Whitaker, whose book, Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed With Alcohol, is out this month, herself rejects. “We look so closely at that label: Am I that? Okay, I’m not, so I’m going to keep drinking,” she says. “A lot of my work is about allowing anybody to say, ‘Do I hate hangovers? Do I hate getting trashed and forgetting parts of my night?’” She encourages people to ask themselves what seems like a newer question: Do I hate feeling like I have to drink two glasses of wine to normalize myself in the evening?

Online, a new skepticism about the “alcohol as lifestyle” narrative has taken root, with critics pointing out the hypocrisy of selling drinking as a form of self-care and the constant hokey memes—“no pain, no champagne”—emblazoned on everything from coffee mugs to workout tanks. Keith Humphreys, an addiction specialist and professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine, likens the marketing of alcohol to women to the way Big Tobacco brazenly tapped into women’s lib in the ’70s with its now-notorious tagline, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Women drinking more heavily and more often—and, for college-age women in particular, drinking nearly as much as men—is a phenomenon of the past 20 years or so. “It wasn’t something that came from women—that they spontaneously decided they should drink a lot more,” Humphreys explains. “It was driven by very conscious marketing to women, that ‘alcohol is freedom’ and ‘alcohol is equality.’”

Jen Batchelor, the bicoastal cofounder of Kin, sees women drinking less as a sign that we’re pushing back against such patronizing messaging. But she also suggests that choosing sobriety, or drinking mindfully, is about making “smarter choices.” “Think about all the times that we put ourselves in precarious situations. Alcohol is always a common denominator, right?” Batchelor, 35, says, echoing an anxiety that has plagued many of us in the wake of #MeToo. She recounts a familiar scenario: “You’re at the bar, perhaps you’re mingling with clients, the wine is flowing, and all of a sudden you’re like, Oh, shit, what did I say? What just happened?” To be clear, Batchelor is not saying women are at fault because they drink. “But if you’re someone who wants to move toward solutions, you’re also like, What is my role in this?”

By her mid-30s, Charlottesville, Virginia–based writer Molly Minturn was unnerved to find that a bottle of wine no longer cut it. Then, at a wedding in 2017, a friend mentioned she’d quit drinking. “She looked at me and said, ‘You know, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. And it only gets better.’” Afterward, Minturn couldn’t shake what her friend had said. She found a no-frills thread on the Reddit site called, simply, Stop Drinking, with almost 200,000 members, including people “either trying to quit or trying to cut back.” Once she started reading people’s stories, “I couldn’t stop,” Minturn, now 39, says. “I recognized myself in almost every one.” Three weeks after that wedding, Minturn quit. Early on, she went on the site “many, many times a day” and signed up for its daily pledge, “I will not drink today,” earning a virtual badge not unlike an AA chip.

That online community meant everything. But Minturn also needed to connect with people again in real life, without the crutch of a drink. In the comments feed of the Instagram account @sobergirlsociety, Minturn spotted a woman who lived in nearby Richmond and pinged her. The two have met for coffee a couple of times. “She’s a complete stranger. We have really different backstories,” Minturn says. “But it’s powerful to talk to someone else who’s going through the same thing.” Here’s to not not drinking alone.

This article originally appeared in the Holiday 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Self-promotion can be uncomfortable. In fact, both men and women fear that it might make other people not like them, but men do it anyway. Women, on the other hand, are often paralyzed by concerns about backlash and being disliked and, as a result, don’t speak up for themselves. While it is certainly true that women who are seen as too boastful or aggressive might be penalized, keeping quiet about what you have done and what you are capable of doing comes at an even greater cost. Research shows that women who do more to make their achievements known are more likely to be promoted, receive greater compensation, and are more satisfied with their careers.

Simply put, don’t let misplaced modesty erode your potential. Here are a few strategies to help you toot your own horn.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positiveprescription.com.

A version of this story appeared in the Holiday 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Ambition has a bad reputation. Many think of it as an on-ramp to dishonesty, greed, selfishness, and, ultimately, dissatisfaction. John W. Dean’s famous book, Blind Ambition, about the Watergate scandal, captures the suspicion we have about ambition. So does Macbeth. The moral of these stories is the same: Unbridled ambition is reckless and ruthless. Plus, it doesn’t end well.

While a relentless quest for more money, more status, more power, and more stuff is a dead end when it comes to leading a full and happy life, ambition is far from a fatal character flaw. In fact, there are a number of positives associated with ambition. Ambitious people tend to be better educated and have more successful careers. Young people who have ambitions about their future are more likely to go to college than those who don’t. And contrary to the negative stereotypes, ambitious people are not miserable or haunted by an unquenchable thirst for more. Simply put, as long as ambition doesn’t become blind ambition, it is more of a virtue than a vice.

That said, many women feel uncomfortable displaying ambition. Research suggests
that men and women are equally ambitious but women downplay their career ambitions in certain contexts. For instance, a study that appeared in the Harvard Business Review found that single women minimized their professional strivings out of concern it would make them less desirable to potential partners. Or they fear coming off as too assertive or too pushy in the office and, as a result, dial down their aspirations.

Thankfully, ambition ambivalence among women is evaporating. Successful role models like Tory Burch (who launched global initiative Embrace Ambition) and Rihanna are empowering women to be more open about their ambitions. It isn’t only about career; we can be ambitious in parenting, health, and our communities as well. Ambition also looks different at different stages of life. Just because you don’t have the same ambition at 30 as you did at 20 doesn’t mean you’re no longer ambitious, it just means you’re channeling it differently. No matter your age, accept, cultivate, and embrace ambition. As long as you don’t pursue it with tunnel vision, it will help you see what you want more clearly.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positiveprescription.com.

This story originally appeared in the November 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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As children, we spend a lot of time imagining what we are going to be like when we grow up. But when we’re adults, imagining ourselves 40 years from now is not something we routinely do. Perhaps it should be.

I know it sounds paradoxical, but thinking about your future self can actually help you
stay grounded and make better choices in the here and now. For example, research found that looking at digitally altered images of oneself—think wrinkles and jowls—makes people less impulsive. Along these lines, writing a letter to oneself 20 years from now has been shown to steer people away from self-defeating behavior. Some suggest putting visual renderings of a person’s aged face on credit and debit cards to encourage smart spending. Binge eating, substance abuse, and other impulse behaviors could also be affected by considering one’s future self. Even crime researchers recognize it is a tool to encourage first offenders to think about consequences of their actions and to deter crime in general.

Resilience expert Robert Brooks asks teachers to consider their future selves to improve their performance today: “If years from now someone asked your students about some of their best memories of their teachers, would they immediately recall experiences they had in your classroom?” Considering how their students will describe them later motivates them to create a more positive classroom in the present.

YOLO may be a cultural refrain, but long-term thinking can help us be the best versions of ourselves today. Sometimes the best way to make the most of a moment is to consider the future.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positiveprescription.com.

This story originally appeared in the October 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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We are constantly reminded of the benefits of being happy: Happy people are more successful, have better sex, have more friends, have better bodies—the list goes on. While evidence supports the overall benefits of happiness, research shows that the more we think about happiness and how to pursue it, the less likely we are to find it.

For one, being told how important it is to be happy can lead to feelings of disappointment. Constant analysis of how happy you are undermines the ability to actually experience it. Ordinary moments that don’t deliver extraordinary joy feel like a failure. Another downside of relentlessly pursuing happiness is that it makes people lonely. An emphasis on the individual and on personal gain damages our connections with others. As author Parker Palmer once pointed out, “No one ever died saying, ‘I’m sure glad for the self-centered, self-serving, and self-protective life I’ve lived.’”

It’s when we contribute to the world and are of service to others that we discover something far more important than moment-to-moment happiness: a sense of meaning and purpose. Today, social pressure to feel happy (and broadcast it on social media) is intense. I have met patients concerned something is wrong with them because they are not happy most or all of the time. What I tell them is to focus less on the pursuit of happiness and more on the pursuit of goodness. Everything else will fall into place. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: “Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product.”

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positiveprescription.com.

This story originally appeared in the October 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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There are three kinds of mentors.How Much Experience Is Needed to Become a Mentor?What Are Some Challenges of Being a Mentor?The Dos and Donts of Mentorship

Robin Seiler is a key engineering lead for Microsoft’s Surface family of devices, one of the few female senior leaders in engineering, and she's learned a thing or two about mentorship over the past two decades of helping young people early on in their careers. Here, she discusses what it really takes to develop a successful mentor/mentee relationship—it's basically like dating.

My first year out of college, there were quite a few nights that I literally slept under my desk. That's when I decided that maybe IT wasn’t the best place for me. I probably changed careers four times: I did software development in Singapore. I did marketing. I did sales. Then I moved to Microsoft. First business, then more marketing, and then program management and engineering. I didn’t go back and get a new degree every time I made a change. If I look back in terms of the job changes I've made, my best moves were outcomes of relationships that I built and fostered. When I moved from IT to marketing, I moved because my manager, who I had a great relationship with, asked me to come with her.

Typically, I’ve found that the best way to get a new job is by building a very strong network of people, plus knowing what you’re good at—and when I say “knowing what you’re good at,” it’s not what your degree is or what technical skills you have. It’s the soft skills you have. I know that I’m a simplifier; I can organize anything, and I can simplify anything. That means with any ambiguous thing that has to be sorted out, I can usually jump in, connect some people, figure out a path, and then direct. Once you figure out your soft skills, you can start to think about the mentor strategy that you need to have.

There are three kinds of mentors. 

This might be a peer or somebody who observes what you do from a different position. It may even be a subordinate. That kind of mentorship comes from lots of places.

2) The mentor who helps you with your future job.

I had a mentor when I worked in Singapore, he was the country manager, and one day he walked me through his strategy. He basically had an org chart of the leadership of Microsoft and had flagged who were sponsors of his, who he had relationships with, and who he needed to develop relationships with so that, based on what job he wanted to do, he knew whether or not he had a path.

While I’m not as organized as that, I do believe you should pick two or three areas that you think you want to work in next. It might be in the same field that you’re in, the same company that you’re in, or it might be in a different field or different company. A year or two before you want to move, set up a mentor there, so that you’re able to understand the leadership of that organization, the culture of that organization, and what the typical roles are. It also means that when you’re ready to change, if they have an opening, you’re already on the list because you've developed the relationship.

3) The mentor who's involved in your day-to-day work.

There’s a category of people that you work with day to day, and there's usually a person who is most critical of your work. Think of any presentation that you give...there’s that one person who's asking all of the super hard questions that make you feel a little bit embarrassed in front of a group of people. Always ask that person to be a mentor. They clearly have feedback for you, and they’re clearly willing to give you that feedback unfiltered.

What you’ll typically find is that as that relationship evolves, they will start feeling more accountable for your success—after all, they’re helping you. Suddenly, all of those meetings that you have, every presentation that you give...that person may still have feedback, but the feedback might happen after the meeting instead of during the meeting, which makes things a lot easier. One of the biggest challenges today is that people are scared to give feedback. And you actually need it to get better.

How Much Experience Is Needed to Become a Mentor?

There was never a point in my career where I felt like I had enough professional experience to help others. Mentorship starts before you realize it, like when you're hanging out and getting a coffee with your peers, and somebody says, “I’m having a really hard time with this—what should I do?” That is actually the first moment you step into mentorship.

I think about mentoring like dating—you don’t know on the first meeting that this is someone you want to meet with once a month. And it goes for both the mentor and the mentee. Find a couple of people and buy them coffee, see if you connect. If you don’t connect, you’re not going to take their advice. The relationship that builds is mutual. I, for sure, have had people who have asked me to mentor them and I've said, “I think there’s probably a better fit for you.”

What Are Some Challenges of Being a Mentor?

Anytime you’re giving personal advice, you’re potentially influencing someone’s life. And you have to take that seriously. When I started in tech, rightly or wrongly, the perception was that you don’t ask for a promotion...ever. I asked for my first promotion about 10 years ago. It was empowering. You realize that magic happens when you actually make it clear what’s important to you. Now, every time I have one of those conversations [with a mentee], it’s a challenge for me because it’s one [thing] that took me so long to get to personally. At the same time, I need to give them the perspective that promotions are intended to set you up for success, not just be a paycheck.

2) The mentor who helps you with your future job.

Anyone who’s in a manager position is already a mentor because, in reality, you have to mentor your staff every day. You don’t get to be a manager and not give advice on how to be better. Mentorship is an interesting thing because it’s as much listening as it is talking, if not more. For someone who hasn’t mentored or managed people before, they need to take a moment to listen to what the person is asking for. Understand what they want from the relationship. Understand where they’re struggling. The conversation that they have can sometimes be helping the person put the pieces together for themselves.

Just like how you use friends as a sounding board, a mentorship oftentimes is a professional sounding board. What I tell people who haven’t done it before is to think about their best relationship with a friend. What do you get out of it, and how do you bring the good stuff that you get out of that into a professional relationship of mentoring? It has a lot to do with listening—not spending a lot of time telling them how to fix it, but giving them a way to think through it.

The Dos and Donts of Mentorship

Mentor Tip: If you're too busy to handle more requests from mentees, try and personality match them with other people in your industry.

The most important lesson I’ve learned as a mentor is that listening is a priority. So many people think that when they first start mentoring their job is to give advice. Your first job is to listen. The other thing that you don’t really learn until you go through it a few times is how important the role of a mentor is. Different people get different value from it. For some, it’s stabilization when they’re frustrated. For some, it’s emotional support. For some, it’s confidence. Very few of these things are, you know, how to build a spreadsheet or do the job as it’s defined today. Mentorship tends to be about the softer skills or emotions.

I, as a mentor, will typically reach out if, in my daily interaction, I see a mentee, and it looks like they’re struggling. I’ll just say, “Hey, do you want to grab some coffee and have a chat?” Also, if I'm seeing them do a great job on something, I will make sure to send them an email just as a positive reinforcement of something we had talked about so they see value out of that relationship for more than 30 minutes once a month.

The manager that helped me move into marketing? I’m still in contact with her today, and that was 20 years ago.

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Networking—the seemingly useless and excruciating practice of talking to random strangers for a few minutes before you move on to other attendees (and maybe stop at the bar for another drink. No shade). But networking is critical, especially if you're job-hunting. Thanks to Meetup, focused Facebook groups, female-only meeting spaces like The Wing, and other professional clubs and services, you can tailor your networking experience to the exact type of work you're looking for. Best-case scenario, you come away with a few perfect connections to move forward in your job hunt. But practice, and form, is key, especially when you're new to the job market or desperately in need of a new gig. Here are a few ways to seal the deal, once you have those important contact details in hand/on your phone.

Work with a friend.

Not only should you bring someone to networking—think moral support, buddy system, someone to talk to if there's no one useful there, your excuse to leave—but having a person you trust along for the ride can lessen the stress of following up with all your new contacts. Your friend can act as a useful sounding board on who's worth connecting with and who isn't, and how best to phrase tricky concepts like: "I love you and I'd love a job but I promise I'm not desperate." A compassionate and knowledgable friend can also serve as a resource if you don't have the money for a career coach...but make sure you're not taking advantage. You can pay them in drinks/food/their movie of choice once you're both done with work.

Give yourself homework.

"The more notes you take," says Vicki Salemi, career expert for Monster, "the easier it will be both for you to recall the conversation and for your new connection to remember you when you follow up." That means as soon as your new professional BFF scoots away, you whip out your favorite note-taking app (I like Evernote) and jot down highlights from the conversation, like the new project they have on the horizon or your shared hatred of plastic straws.

Lock it in.

Let's say you do happen to be networking with the absolute best person for your career—they're in the field or (even better) at the exact company you've been dying to work for. Before you shake hands and move on to the next person, just say, "Hey, let's just set up our next meeting now before we both get super busy." If you really hit it off, bring this up even earlier. "It makes it so much easier to walk away from a conversation when you know the next one is already lined up," Salemi says. "That way, you know you're going to have a longer conversation later on and can focus on leveraging that valuable networking time to meet more people at the event." Quality and quantity, all at the same time.

Have less chill.

Do you want a job or not? Say you got a card but failed to set a date because that felt like too much. No biggie—you've still got a 48-hour window to remind your contact who you are. Five things to include in your email:

Research shared contacts.

A common networking mistake is assuming that just because a person isn't in your field, or doing what you'd like to do, they're not worth adding to your network. LinkedIn is the very best for showing you networks within networks: Who your contacts know in the companies you're looking at. This can be a tricky, nuanced ask, so it's better to do it delicately. Reach out first and express an interest in keeping in touch, and then add, "By the way, I saw you had a contact at X company. Do you know that person well? I'd love to make connections there, but no worries if it isn't the right fit!" And just like that, you might be connected with someone new, and you didn't even have to make awkward small talk to get there.

Mind your manners.

Like in online dating, you want something, and they want something. But remember that you may be more in need than they are (and you may not have as much to offer, especially if you're junior or new to the industry), so be extra nice. Go into the meeting prepared. Send a thank-you note within 48 hours that shows you paid attention. This is also the place to politely remind them they said they'd hook you up with more people who might be able to help you.

Think of ways you can help them.

See if the company you work at currently offers something they might need. Ask if you can help with something in their own professional development, like social media management. In the field of writing, for example, you can volunteer to be a free, confidential test reader on one of their drafts (also known as a beta reader). Don't be too extra about it; just inquire if you can help repay the favor if they've put you in contact with someone who helped you.

Think follow-for-follow—in real life.

You know how random people randomly like some of your Instagrams so you notice them? This is that but less desperate, and it's another way to add value. To maintain the relationship you've built through hard work and slightly more than zero chill, give your friend a follow or RT and occasionally (every few months or so) send a casual email. Show that you're helpful and not a creepy bot—you're a good person to know. The follow-up email doesn't just have to be a reminder, either. Try to find something useful, relevant, or fun to share so they think of you positively.

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While it’s fine to talk about the weather, quality conversations that deepen your understanding of another person or topic are more gratifying and meaningful. People who engage frequently in such conversations are happier than those who don’t, according to research at the University of Arizona. As one researcher commented, “I would like to experimentally ‘prescribe’ people a few more substantive conversations.” Good conversations take effort but are more rewarding. Try these few tips to elevate your conversations:

This story originally appeared in the September 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

Q. Is it ever helpful to compare yourself to others?

President Franklin Roosevelt called comparison the “thief of joy,” but research from Tilburg University in the Netherlands suggests that in some contexts “benign envy,” as psychologists call it, can be a positive force. Another’s success can clarify your own goals, inspire you to act, remind you of what you are capable of accomplishing, or motivate you. For example, a runner may want to emulate the performance of a fellow runner who beats her by a tenth of a second. Comparisons can make us more grateful for what we have and put disappointments and hardships in perspective.

That said, there are downsides to social comparison, especially “upward comparison” to people who seem to have it all. Someone else’s promotion or recent engagement can trigger feelings of low self-esteem, particularly if your self-esteem is low to begin with or if you perceive his or her accomplishments to be out of your league. It’s why singling out an exceptional student has been shown to discourage other students from working hard. If the achievement feels unattainable, other students think, I could never be that awesome, so why bother?

Comparing ourselves to others has changed dramatically with social media. The endless stream of images can erode self-worth and confidence so quickly that we forget these pictures are curated to portray people at their best. Here are four strategies when upward comparison is bringing you down:

• Do a reality check: A Flinders University/University of Toronto study shows that when social images are viewed with the understanding that they don’t reflect reality and represent a fantasy, they have less of a negative effect and can even improve one’s mood.
• Go deep: What is it about other people’s lives that triggers envy in you? What do you admire about them and what they have done? Transform envy into an opportunity to understand your own values and goals.
• Say thank you: Expressing gratitude for what you have protects you from dwelling on what you don’t. It helps you see the big picture and defangs the paralysis that envy can bring. Remember, another person’s triumph is not taking away from what you are capable of.
• Reframe it as inspiration: Instead of asking yourself, Why not me? ask, What can I learn from other people’s successes? Explore the steps they took to reach their goals. What will you do differently? Let their wins fuel your desire to succeed.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positivepercription.com.

This story originally appeared in the September 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Before we get started, let me be clear: I can't tell you what to do. The "should I pay off my mortgage as quickly as I can?" question is one that comes up often on personal finance forums and blogs, and even though I generally know how the comments will play out, like watching a Law & Order: SVU episode I’ve already seen many times (oh, this is the one when John Stamos impregnates a ton of women to spread his seed then later is stabbed by an exploding knife!), I still get sucked in.

What I can do is outline why some people choose to do it, and others don't. The “do” and “don't” camps are pretty evenly divided, and neither seem particularly interested in flipping the other side.

Why People Pay Off Their Mortgage Faster

• The peace of mind is priceless. If they lose a job, they don’t worry about losing the roof over their head, as long as they can swing the property taxes, insurance, and maintenance.
• The sense of accomplishment and freedom. (Also not too shabby.)
• They can redirect that now-gone monthly mortgage payment elsewhere (eg. to boost savings).
• They weren’t benefiting from the tax deduction anyway. (By the way: the tax deduction is not a good reason to keep a mortgage, especially with the 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act.)
• They just hate debt.

Why People Don't Race to Pay Off Their Mortgages

• Depending on the interest rate, they think they can make more on other investments eg. real estate. (Note: This is me. I am in no hurry to pay off my mortgage as my rate is a smidge above 3 percent, and I’m taking the chance that my money will earn more deployed in the stock market.)
• A large portion of their net worth would be tied up in the residence, making funds harder to access if needed. Maybe you've heard the term "house-rich, cash-poor"? Their net worth will be less liquid, though they could apply for a HELOC.
• Because of inflation, as time goes on, they’re paying the monthly with cheaper dollars.
• Their lender charges a pre-payment penalty.
• They’re underwater.

Still can't decide? Here are some more alternatives.

Make an extra payment a year or pay biweekly. Instead of making 12 payments a year, make a payment of half the amount due every two weeks so you end up making 13 payments a year. Both options reduce the interest you pay over the lifetime of the loan.

Recast. Instead of refinancing, you give your bank a bunch of money toward the principal, and for a fee, it will re-amortize your loan with the current balance, current interest rate, and current term; the result is a lower monthly payment. When I considered doing this, my bank required I pay a minimum lump sum of $5,000 toward the principal and a $250 fee to recast. The bigger the lump sum you throw at the balance, the lower your monthly would be. You don’t pay off the mortgage faster, but you free up your monthly cash flow.

Basically: Ask yourself why you’re thinking of paying your mortgage quicker, consider which reasons mentioned above resonate with you, then do what lets you sleep at night.

• There have been new videos of Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez killing it in the gym lately, and it turns out that it's not just major fitness inspo for us all.
• A Rod Corp just announced a partnership with Fitplan so that A. Rod (and J. Lo) can act as your own personal fitness trainers, thanks to their app.
• Earlier in the year, the couple gave us a major fitness and food challenge, so this is a natural extension of their work.

We already know that Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez exercise together (usually in their own branded clothing, because why not). They are enormous couple fitness goals, and they're often posting videos of their intense joint workouts. Last night, they took it to the next level: A. Rod (through his corporation) announced a partnership he and Jennifer Lopez were doing with Fitplan, an app that provides videos, nutrition, and community working with particularly well-known trainers and fitness experts. They offer customizable fitness plans, including (apparently) the ability to get incredibly toned with your partner as you work out effortlessly together just like A. Rod and J. Lo.

Fitplan didn't provide an exact date, but they did say they'd drop the plan soon. They first teased the collab in late June, with J. Lo explaining why she works out before she performs and yelling at A. Rod as he exercises (lol):

Only J. Lo could make tight white exercise gear look hot, sigh. She's been honest about workout struggles in the past, saying, "I want comfort, you know what I mean?...But that’s like the devil; it’s like the little demons coming to get you. You have to feed yourself better, you know. But after a show I just want a cookie, I want a cupcake, I feel like I’ve just danced for 2 hours so I want something. But I can’t." SAME, J. Lo.

And here's the video from A. Rod Corp with the news of the official partnership, with the couple cuddling in between intense weightlifting (I think I see J. Lo helping one of their kids with her hair, which is a cute little cameo):

Ugh, am I going to have to get in shape now? I might.

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Often in personal finance, you’ll hear something like, “It’s called personal finance because it’s personal,” which you might think is a dodge on giving a straight answer. But it’s true: Everyone’s life situation is different, so what works for me and my goals won’t work for you and yours. But there are some universal rules you should know about. Here's your no-bullshit guide to Roth IRAs and 401ks—exactly they they do, which you should invest in, and how.

If you can swing it, both. The 2019 maximum for an eligible individual is $6,000 ($7,000 if you’re 50 or older) for a Roth IRA—eligible meaning your MAGI, or modified adjusted gross income, is less than $122,000.

You can contribute a reduced amount if you make more than that, but less than $137,000. And if you make even more than that, there’s still a way you can contribute, which I’ll get to later.

You put in money, ideally it grows, and when you take it out (starting at 59 ½ years old), it’s tax-free. Your money was already taxed when you put it in, unlike in a traditional IRA, when you might get a tax deduction for contributing depending on your income but whose withdrawals are taxed, so the government is going to get its money now or later.

Here’s another thing you can do with Roth IRAs: if you need the money before turning 59 ½, you can withdraw money you contributed (but not the earnings) with no penalty as long as the account has been open for five years; because of this, some people consider a Roth IRA their emergency fund. You can also withdraw, penalty-free, a maximum of $10,000 toward the purchase of a first home (again, if you’ve had it for five years.)

Since the government already took its share via taxes, they’re done with you, so you never have to take it out if you don’t want/need to, in which case, you have lucky beneficiaries. (Tip: Designate beneficiaries. Even if your will says to give it to someone else, beneficiaries trump your will. This happened to someone I know.)

What about 401ks?

If your employer offers one, the 2019 max contribution is $19,000 ($25,000 if you’re 50 or older). Money you contribute is not taxed now—the government will take its cut when you withdraw, which you can start at 59 ½. But they want those taxes you’ve deferred for years, so you have to take out money starting at 70 ½ years old, called required minimum distributions (RMDs).

Sometimes, employers offer a match. You put in some amount, they put in some smaller amount up to a certain limit, for example 50 percent up to 6 percent. So if you can, contribute up to the amount they match to get some free money. Who doesn’t like free money?

There are charts out there that suggest an order to fill up savings buckets, most of which are variations on something like this:

1. Fund an emergency fund.
2. Contribute to 401k up to company match.
3. Max out HSA (health savings account, which is different from an FSA, or flexible spending account, and requires a high-deductible health plan. Count me a fan of HSAs).
4. Max out traditional IRA or Roth IRA.
5. Back to contributing to 401k until maxed out.
6. Contribute to a taxable account (e.g. investment/brokerage account).

People can get discouraged because they can’t get past step 1 or they think all of this is confusing, and I get that. I hope you don’t get so discouraged that you don’t try—just do what you can. Slow progress is still progress.

If you can’t contribute to a Roth IRA because your income’s too high, here’s how you can, in what’s called a backdoor Roth IRA: Contribute to a non-deductible traditional IRA. The very next day, convert it to a Roth IRA. There’s little chance you made so much money overnight to trigger tax. If you wait awhile before converting and your original money made any money, you will be taxed on any earnings come tax filing time. (Note: There will be tax consequences if you already have a traditional IRA.)

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You’ve swiped right so many times it’s beginning to feel wrong. If only there were no- and low-tech ways to have a social life. Um, there are.

We hit up experts—matchmakers, relationship gurus, lifestyle coaches, and a single woman in New York City with a kickass social life—for tips on how to meet someone IRL. Here are 11 ways to get out of the dating-app trap.

In other words: Delete, delete, delete. “You’ll be less tempted if you don’t have access to your favorite apps,” says Sophia Reed, PhD, a marriage and family therapist. “And even for those times when you are tempted, you’ll think twice because you’d then have to download it again.”

You can spend time writing that you like a good poetry slam, riding bikes, or kayaking—or you can actually do it. “Make a list of a few things you would like to see or do outside of your house or apartment,” suggests Tammy Shaklee, founder of H4M, a matchmaking service for gay professionals.

“When you're there, don’t get on your device—pretend your battery is dead if you have to. Look up and around, as though you were waiting for a friend to meet you, but they’re running late. Make eye contact, ask a question of a fellow attendee."

Doing the same things with the same people will yield the same results. “If you have a routine and see the same friends all the time, branch out. Volunteer, attend a charity event, try a new fitness class,” says Rori Sassoon, co-founder of Platinum Poire, an upscale matchmaking agency in New York, and author of The Art of the Date. “You’ll broaden your horizons and your circle at the same time.”

We’re talking about the one who strikes up a conversation standing in line at Starbucks, sitting in the next seat on a flight, or sizing up the produce at the grocery store. “Wherever you find yourself, put yourself out there,” says Wyatt Fisher, PsyD, a marriage counselor in Boulder, Colorado. “Strike up a conversation. You never know when one of them could lead to more.”

Do some matchmaking of your own and set up a friend. “I’ve gone on dates with people who were great, but not great for me,” says Lisa Holden, a 30-something single woman in New York City.

“When there’s no one out there I’m interested in, I go through my dating history and look for folks I can set up. I once went on two great dates with a guy who was awesome and ended up connecting him with a friend of a friend and they hit it off. It felt great to make a love connection for someone else, and I have to believe it did good things for my dating karma.”

Where would they go? What would they do? “If you’d love to have a partner who reads a lot, become a regular browser at your local bookstore or public library,” says Ana Jovanovic, a clinical psychologist.

“If you want to meet someone who shares your passion for art, see an exhibition at the local gallery or a museum. Perhaps you’d like to meet an animal lover—volunteer at an animal shelter. Be creative. The possibilities are endless.”

“Ask to be added to their free database,” says matchmaker and dating coach Karenna Alexander. “You never know when they’ll sign up a client who wants someone just like you.”

“Speed dating has been elevated and I’ve had success with a company called CitySwoon,” says single-girl Holden. “For a small fee, they make it easy for singles to show up at a bar and get instantly matched for brief conversations. It’s an efficient way to have a handful of dates in one night.”

To stay offline, repeat after us: Catfishing, ghosting, lying, creeps. “Remember the reason you quit online dating is that it wasn’t serving you in some way,” says Reed. “Either you weren’t getting dates, or you were getting bad dates, meeting crazy people, and not meeting quality people.”

“Many of us go to the gym to train our bodies, but most of us don’t train our minds. When you’re looking for love, you have to create a mindset that love is abundant, easy to find, and all around you,” Kara Loewentheil, a life coach and dating guru.

“With that thought in your brain you’ll see opportunities for connection everywhere. But if your thought is ‘This is so hard, no one meets in real life’ or ‘I’m not cool enough,’ you literally might not register that your soulmate is trying to flirt with you in the grocery store line. The way you think about yourself is the most important element of successful dating.”

“Eating at the bar and chatting with the bartender can lead to a phone number exchange; a trip to the museum might yield a coffee with a friendly entomologist," shares Holden. "But that's never the goal."

“The goal is to treat myself the way I’d like to be treated and take some time for self care. I take my time getting ready: I put on my pre-date playlist and I intentionally spend some time and money only on myself, doing something I’d like to do.”

Dorothy Beal defines her life in two chapters: before and after running her first marathon. “The second I crossed the finish line of that race, I was forever changed,” says the mother of three, who went on to run 40 more marathons.

For Beal, the initial upshot of the runner’s life was purely physical. “One-hundred percent I started running for weight loss,” she admits, recounting how a diagnosis of social anxiety coupled with poor eating and drinking habits in college led her down a dark path of weight gain and self-doubt.

“Instead of just gaining the freshman 15, I kept gaining weight, and the more weight I gained, the more my self-esteem went into the pits,” she recalls. Over a break, she stepped on a scale in her mother’s bathroom and hit a low point. “It was a number I had never seen before. I fell to the ground thinking, ‘How did I get to this point in such a short period of time?’” Worse yet, she didn’t know how to pull herself out.

Beal reflects on those days—occasionally posting then-and-now images of herself on Instagram—with a mix of compassion for her old self and pride for the person who emerged on the other side.

What's more triggering than her former weight, she says, is knowing the fraught emotional state she was in back then. “Sometimes I’ll do comparison photos and while there is a difference in the weight, what I look at in past photos is what that girl felt at that time. I was deeply unhappy in my skin.”

As she's gotten older and more experienced in life and love (and running), she's arrived at a more secure place that's let her think about what are non-negotiables.

She draws on lots of sleep—“I really am not willing to sacrifice on sleep”—and a simple self-care routine. During the week, that includes a moisturizer with SPF and European Wax Center's Pollution Defense Serum both morning and night to help mitigate any damage caused by pollution and environmental stressors (not to mention all that time in the sun). It doesn't add a ton of time—important when she's trying to get out the door for a long run—but comes with a sense of luxurious self-care.

A new find she's recently added to the mix is EWC's Slow It Body Wash (a cult-favorite the brand brought back after lots of customer requests). It's an exfoliating cleanser that helps fight against ingrowns and slows hair re-growth, helping to extend time between waxing.

Beal also used to reserve makeup for special occasions, but after a friend suggested that she look as happy as she feels running, she worked out a manageable, five-product routine: lipgloss, mascara, blush, a tinted moisturizer to even out sun spots, and an eyebrow gel, also from European Wax Center, to help shape and define her barely-there brows (and keep them in place while running).

Known for top-notch waxing services, the brand's product offerings are a further extension of its belief that confidence can come from having your skin in check. Important for all women, it's a lesson brought to life by a serious athlete like Beal. Her body is constantly on display when training and racing; along with needing it to work at its optimal level, the extra boost that comes from looking good is invaluable to her performance.

Similar to the self-care lessons she's learned, running was Beal's first saving grace—but it definitely did not come easy. Just watching her mom complete a marathon for the first time was excruciating. “It took her over five hours, I got sunburned, and the whole time I was thinking, ‘Why would anyone do this to themselves?’” Beal recalls. “Afterward, she was hobbling around—that confirmed it.”

At first, she says, running was just a means to an end. But after walking onto her college’s cross country team, she started to see benefits beyond the calorie burn: For the first time in a while, her self-esteem was soaring. “Running was giving me confidence," she says, "and the more confidence I had, the more things I said yes to.”

In 2003, Beal said yes to her first marathon.

“I thought, 'I’m going to do this once and probably never again,'” she says with a smile. Her current track record begs to differ. “Some people would say that I’m addicted, and maybe I am.” Beal shrugs off any negative implications of her running practice, noting that there's a sobering self-aware reason she won't quit:

If racing was about learning to say yes for Beal, then self-care is about learning to say no. “If I’m supposed to run six miles because it’s on my training schedule, but I wake up and don’t feel well, I just won’t run,” she says. “I want to be doing this when I’m into my sixties, and I’m not going to get there if I’m constantly working against my body.” Her reap-what-you-sow philosophy also means continually silencing her external critics. “It’s cool being at a place in life where I love my body as-is,” she says.

Worn throughout: Lululemon bra, top, leggings; Nike sneakers

Stylist: Rachel Pincus; Hair/Makeup: Ashleigh Ciucci; thank you to Van Cortlandt Park.

 There’s a scene in The Graduate when Mr. McGuire tells Benjamin, “I want to say one word to you … plastics. There’s a great future in plastics.” I’ve been thinking about that line a lot lately because even though the film came out in 1967 and much about it doesn’t exactly hold up in 2019, nearly all of the plastics made that year (and, in fact, since 1950) are still hanging out in landfills. They’ll potentially be there for another several hundred years. Plastic was supposed to make our lives easier, but now it’s clogging our oceans (one study says that by 2050, there will be more plastic in the water than fish) and littering our streets and parks. The production of it is increasing carbon emissions by the ratio of about one ounce of CO2 to one ounce of plastic. Annually, emissions from plastic production alone can equal close to half of the emissions generated by the approximately 200 million licensed drivers in the U.S. You can try to recycle it, but 91 percent of all plastics aren’t recycled, instead getting either trashed or incinerated, according to a 2016 study. And, perhaps because they’re made from fossil fuels, they receive huge government subsidies, which might explain why plastic production is expected to account for 20 percent of global oil consumption by 2050. Plastic bags have even been found at the bottom of the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean, the deepest point on Earth. More than literature or language or art, it seems that the human race’s legacy will be plastic—and it’ll carry on long after we’re gone.

The timing of all of this isn’t great for the U.S. in particular, since we have one of the biggest carbon footprints per capita of any nation, rivalling those of India and China, those oft-blamed carbon boogeymen. A 2018 U.N. report gave the planet’s inhabitants a little over a decade to decrease our carbon emissions before the catastrophic effects of climate change will become irreversible. While the report seems to have created an uptick in concern for the environment (Democratic voters now say climate change is one of their top concerns for the future), the Trump administration doesn’t seem to care: It announced plans to pull the U.S. out of the Paris climate accord, it’s rolling back protections on national parks to open them up for drilling, and it even struck the phrase “climate change” from several federal websites.

Plastic is just the tip of the rapidly melting iceberg that is our climate-change problem, with deforestation, coal and gas burning, and wide-scale factory farming adding to the buffet of horrors. But tackling our reliance on plastic could be a way to gain some individual control at a time when expecting the government to provide guidance seems like a nonstarter.

Enter the zero-waste lifestyle movement, which is steadily gaining momentum. Though it’s not new—the 2009 documentary No Impact Man followed writer Colin Beavan in his attempt to give up practically all electricity and forgo single-use plastics for a year—it’s now attracting a new wave of acolytes who tout the benefits of their lifestyle on Instagram.

Its goal is straightforward: Reduce the items in your life so you can either reuse or compost everything without creating excess trash. Most of this is accomplished by toting reusable containers, buying clothing secondhand, growing a garden and buying food in bulk, avoiding unnecessary purchases or ones that come with excess packaging (especially if it’s plastic), and using leftover organic waste for gardening. Some of the best-known practitioners don’t even count recycling as zero waste because it’s not always clear where those plastics are going (and the countries we used to send our plastics to, like China and Malaysia, are increasingly turning them away). Perhaps you’ve seen stories about people who can fit all of their trash for a year into a single mason jar? That’s zero waste in its purest, most visually pleasing form. And some of the stars of the movement—like Lauren Singer, of the Instagram account @trashisfortossers, and Bea Johnson, the author of Zero Waste Home—have garnered hundreds of thousands of social-media followers, all seeking to learn from their chic, clean, environmentally friendly lifestyle.

That zero waste is gaining popularity right now is unsurprising: Aside from its perceived environmental benefits, it’s a way to become more self-reliant, live with less, and gain control over consumption and spending. It even has a hint of the trendy Marie Kondo–inspired minimalist aesthetic. Plus, you can feel like you’re doing something for the planet instead of just watching it burn.

I thought I would try it. But like learning Mandarin or reading the complete works of Tolstoy, going zero waste is impressive, has great benefits, and seems utterly implausible for most Americans. And because it’s seemingly hard to do, the movement’s proliferation on social media might even come off as virtue signaling, the performative “Aren’t I so considerate of the environment?” braggadocio belying the capital-I Important work.

And yet, to hear it from the zero-wasters themselves, it’s not supposed to look aspirational. Their accounts aim to make going trash-free seem like something anyone can pick up. I called Bea Johnson, the aforementioned author and mastermind of the @zerowastehome Instagram (which had 221,000 followers at the time of publication), to ask how she does it. She makes the lifestyle look totally inspirational, traveling the world giving lectures on the movement and even delivering TEDx talks about it. She’s also the one credited with first using the term “zero waste,” which had traditionally been applied to manufacturing and municipal practices, to describe the trash-free lifestyle.

In some ways, Johnson represents what’s unattainable about zero waste—she’s a gorgeous French woman who shares her immaculate California home with two kids and a husband who all manage to make their lives trash-free too—but in others, she’s surprisingly relatable. For instance, she explains that when she first adopted the lifestyle in 2006, she was so gung ho that she hardly had time for anything else. “I was making my own bread, my own cheese, my own butter, my own soy milk,” she says. “There was just no way that I could stick to making all these things for life, and it dawned on me that if my family and I really wanted this lifestyle to be sustainable—to be something that we can stick to in the long run—then we had to find a simple system that we could see ourselves doing forever.” So she decided to let zero waste make her life less complicated. She stopped making her own cheese and now buys bread, which she brings home in a repurposed pillowcase. (“They make it so much better than I do,” she says.) She appreciates how zero waste allows her family to focus on experiences and time together rather than the accumulation of things.

Anne-Marie Bonneau, another big-time zero-waster who goes by @zerowastechef on social media, is beloved in the movement for her practical approach. One of her most quoted sayings is “We don’t need a handful of people doing zero waste perfectly. We need millions of people doing it imperfectly.”

Bonneau tells me, “You can’t win anybody over if you’re preachy. Start with one thing, get that down, and then try another. If you drink a lot of bottled water, stop drinking bottled water. And then you’ll see, Hey, this isn’t that hard; I can carry a water bottle with me or drink from the fountain at the gym. You can’t change it all overnight. I think that just leads to frustration.”

Anne Loos, a 27-year-old graduate student living in Austin, has been trying to go zero waste for about six months. She packs her lunches in reusable jars and bags, buys bulk at her local co-op, and avoids eating out if it means she’ll have to throw away a bunch of food containers. Even so, she says she doesn’t want to throw away all of her nonrecyclables and start over with reusables because it seems antithetical. “I know I’ll eventually have to throw out certain products that I’m trying to go through right now before I switch to a zero-waste one,” she says.

It’s an important point: One of the (many) things zero-wasters preach is not throwing away one consumer habit for another. The key to the movement is reusing what you already have in creative ways until it’s lived out its usefulness rather than buying even more things. Loos says there are areas for improvement—for instance, she feels guilty when she forgets her thermos and has to buy coffee in a paper cup—but that she’s already starting to think about her trash differently. “If I just focus on the negatives, it’ll make me not want to keep going,” she says. “I try to just say to myself, okay, this doesn’t feel as good as not creating waste, so use this as a way to change your behavior. Turn the negative into a positive.”

It’s not lost on naysayers—or zero-wasters themselves—that women are the ones pushing the movement forward. Many an article has been written about how the women of zero waste may face a kind of “double burden”—the secondary work, like chores and cooking, that women are expected to do on top of their actual jobs. And though a few of the zero-wasters I spoke to lauded the lifestyle for its money-saving potential, getting there requires a ton of time and planning.

Johnson, who tells me that the majority of her followers are women between the ages of 25 and 34, says there’s logic to this. “Women today have to juggle careers, house maintenance, children,” she says. “And because traditionally”—her tone suggests scare quotes—“women are the ones taking care of the grocery shopping and the cleaning, today they have to juggle all those things. They’re looking for ways to be more efficient, to simplify their tasks, and I think zero waste does that for them.” Plus, there’s a biological reason for it: “That’s the age when women become pregnant, and you want the best future for your baby. You’re paying attention to the things you’re putting in your body and to the environment you’re going to bring him up in.”

Loos thinks society also plays a role in why women are drawn to zero waste. “I feel like women have a relationship to consumer culture that’s very different,” she says. “Marketing kind of preys on our insecurities about our image—as in, ‘You need all these products because otherwise you’ll be ugly and then you’re worth nothing. Your value to society is lessened’—in a way that it isn’t for men.” She says that by being conscious of what she purchases, she’s more comfortable resisting the urge to buy things because of what they would say about her. “That’s the thing about zero waste: It plays into so many things about consumer culture and marketing and capitalism,” she adds. “Since I’ve been making this kind of transition, I think about how all these things intersect a lot more.”

But if zero waste started in the home, it’s not ending there. Recently, major brands like PepsiCo, Unilever, and Nestlé have started rolling out reusable, refillable glass and steel containers for some of their products in an effort to cut back on single-use plastics. And all over the world, plastic-bag bans are gaining momentum. Just this year, Mexico City—one of the cities that produces the most trash in the world—passed a law banning certain kinds of single-use plastic. China and Australia have similar bans, as do California, Hawaii, and New York, plus a few major cities, like Chicago and Seattle.

There’s still a long way to go in combating climate change effectively—and it doesn’t help that just 100 companies, all of them in fossil fuels, account for 71 percent of all greenhouse-gas emissions—but the more I learn about zero waste, the more it makes sense. It’s hard to tell if this movement could create a quantitative difference in how much plastic goes into landfills, but it asks us to consider our impact, and changing minds could empower people to make better, more environmentally friendly decisions in other areas of our lives. And if there is some virtue signaling going on, is that such a bad thing? Sure, some of these influencers’ lifestyles seem unattainable, but it’s a bit insulting to assume that the hundreds of thousands of women watching them won’t recognize the benefits of reducing waste just because they can’t fit their yearly trash into a jar. In the same way that eating one less burger per week is the equivalent of saving 320 miles’ worth of gasoline, imagine what the impact would be if a few million people stopped accepting plastic bags at the grocery store, or throwing away their takeout containers, or using plastic straws. That’s scalable change.

It’s reassuring that our efforts don’t have to be perfect. While working on this story, I decided to see how far I could get with zero waste myself in a way that actually made sense. I didn’t want to buy a slew of new jars, produce bags, and reusable straws, so I went mostly with what I already had, which turned out to be a lot once I cleaned out the fridge. I started a little compost bin in my freezer, which I empty out at the farmers’ market on Saturdays (and I also do more shopping there, with reusable totes, no less!), and got a membership to the local co-op so I can start buying in bulk. I bring reusable dishware to work, and I’m cooking instead of ordering takeout. And while doing that takes a little bit of extra time per week, aren’t we in this mess because we chose convenience over responsibility to the planet? I probably won’t get to trash-in-a-jar levels anytime soon, but I’m thinking much more about the plastic that I use every day, and my garbage output is noticeably smaller after only a few weeks.

I know we’re talking about one woman’s trash and that deciding not to order Seamless one night isn’t a massive change in the grand scheme of sustainability. But more than anything else, taking steps to make my life a little bit more carbon neutral has made me optimistic about what else we can do to put the planet on the right course. If everyone changes a little, we could actually fix this problem. And we can start by just using fewer straws.

This story originally appeared in the August 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Q: Is there such a thing as too much self-care?

During an airline safety demonstration, the flight attendant instructs you to put on your oxygen mask before assisting others if the cabin loses pressure. They tell you this for good reason. If you run out of oxygen, you will lose consciousness and won’t be able to assist anyone else. It is a life-or-death situation. But mental health is more nuanced. It does not exist in such absolute “either-or” terms. Of course, it is important to take care of yourself—to put on the proverbial oxygen mask—but it doesn’t mean you should retreat into yourself and disengage from the world around you. Here’s the thing: You can take care of yourself and be there for others at the same time.

I had a patient, let’s call her S, who became so preoccupied with self-care that it began to undermine her well-being. She withdrew from her book club so she could read self-help books on her own. The group didn’t always choose books she liked, so she felt justified in her decisions. Making herself a priority gave her license to decline invitations that weren’t convenient or to her liking. She didn’t attend a friend’s birthday dinner because it wasn’t at a vegan restaurant. She privileged “me time” over family time. When her sister came to town for a visit, she barely made time to see her.

It was self-care on steroids. S was getting lots of sleep, eating a healthy diet, meeting with a life coach on a regular basis, meditating 30 minutes a day, and getting plenty of exercise. But she was missing out on a crucial aspect of well-being: social connection. Instead of focusing exclusively on yourself when the going gets rough, remember to look up, look out, and, above all, connect with others.

It is well established that having a shoulder to lean on helps us get through a bad day, and studies show that social support is one of the best salves for stress. Less well-known are studies that show how providing a shoulder to lean on helps buffer against stress. In a University of California, Los Angeles, and Yale School of Medicine research article titled “Prosocial Behavior Helps Mitigate the Negative Effects of Stress in Everyday Life,” participants who engaged in other-focused behavior, such as holding open a door, asking someone if they needed help, and lending a hand, reported better moods and lower daily stress levels than those who didn’t. In sum, self-care is a good thing. Just don’t let it become the only thing.

This story originally appeared in the July2019 issue of Marie Claire.

Think of your resume as a brag sheet and a pitch for why someone should hire you. No pressure.

Here’s what any resume guide will tell you:

Less is more. Try to fit your resume onto one page.

Put your love on top. Use reverse chronological order and put your most recent and important accomplishments on top.

Spell it out. Use spell-check.

Format is key. Save it as a PDF. Otherwise, the formatting may become wonky when your potential employer opens it.

Thanks, Captain Obvious. You’ve heard people say all of those things. Now, here are our recommendations that go a bit beyond the basics.

DO

Do Play the Numbers Game

Remember when we told you to brag? Numbers will back it up. Not talking your salary. Talking about other numbers that showcase your value. If you generated a lot of revenue for your last company, say how much. If you wrote for a site, say how much traffic your article received. Know your calculus: It says you plus numbers equals job.

Do Use Active Verbs

Produced, built, monitored. Go for unique ones like maximized, consolidated, and administered to stand out.

Do Say Mirror, Mirror

When it comes to cover letters, you can stand out by mirroring the voice of the company in your letter. If you’re applying for a job at a law firm, keep it formal. If you’re applying for a job at a tech start-up with a laid-back culture, make your prose less stiff.

DON’T

Putting an “objective” at the top of your resume is becoming obsolete.

Don't Put Your GPA on It

Unless it’s your first or second job out of college and only if it’s high. Many experts say that means 3.5 or higher. If you’ve been out of college for a while but received honors (cum laude, magna cum laude, summa cum laude), keep those on instead of your GPA.

Don't State the Obvious

Avoid personal pronouns. Anyone reading it knows it’s your resume. There is no “I” in resume. Leave off “References available upon request.” This is assumed, and it takes up valuable space. Avoid phrases like hard worker, ambitious, highly qualified, extensive experience, team player, people person, hit the ground running, think outside the box. These should be a given and won’t help convince someone to hire you.

Don't Short Yourself

Eliminate short-term jobs (that is, those that lasted less than six months) from your resume, unless they directly relate to the position you are applying for. If there are gaps in your resume, consider just putting the years you worked instead of the month and year. But if you were involved in something like an election or a community service–oriented role in between jobs, consider listing it instead of minding the gap. And including work in the hospitality or food service industry shows hustle and the ability to (literally) juggle many plates.

Excerpt from How to Skimm Your Life by theSkimm, copyright © 2019 by theSkimm. Used by permission of Ballantine Books, an imprint of Random House Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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Perhaps I first decided yoga wasn’t my thing when, while attempting a one-legged standing pose during a Vinyasa Flow class, I lost my balance, tipping over onto my neighbor and causing a domino effect that toppled an entire row of lithe, previously-centered women. Or maybe it was when I tried Bikram and spent the entire class rearranging my place on my mat so as to avoid being dripped on by the very sweaty man next to me. It could’ve been a sign it wasn’t my thing when I signed up for a Yoga Nidra class that focused on savasana and guided meditation, then slept through the whole thing (so I basically paid $22 to take a floor nap under a dirty horse blanket). I almost called it completely when, in an act of desperation, I branched out to aerial yoga, then got red-faced and nauseous as the blood throbbed behind my eyes while I hung from a swath of fabric like a confused baby possum who accidentally emerged in the daylight.

Yet I persisted, signing up for prenatal yoga during my pregnancy, which was mostly just a bunch of hormonal goddess-monsters sitting in a circle and crying, then a few minutes of stretching that did little to relieve the aching rib pain that persisted through my second trimester. No matter what kind of yoga I’ve tried, at the end of each class when the rest of the group says “namaste,” I’m thinking “never again.”

So why keep signing up for yoga classes when one after another seems to disagree with my very constitution? Because yoga is too healthy not to do, like declaring water “just doesn’t work for me.” Practicing yoga can lower your blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar; help you lose weight and improve your body image; eat more mindfully; feel less anxious; and increase muscle strength and fitness, according to Harvard Medical School. (Though, to be honest, some of my motivation is not wanting to be left out of my girlfriends’ yoga-and-brunch plans anymore.) I keep trying because I’m convinced I’m just in a Goldilocks situation: the athletic, challenging forms of yoga are a porridge that’s too hot for me; the relaxing, restorative forms too cold. I either feel graceless and uncoordinated, or so bored I start mentally making my grocery list. If I keep trying different varieties of yoga, I reason, won’t I find one that’s juuuust right?

That’s why, on a recent trip to Hawaii’s Four Seasons Resort Lanai, I decided to not spend the entire time sipping Mai Tais in the lagoon pool, but to also check out their new 1,200-square-foot yoga studio (which happens to be on a cliff that overlooks the gorgeous coastline). First, I did the previously unthinkable and signed up for Sunrise Yoga (my early-bird baby is increasing my tolerance for being up before the sun). Outside the yoga pavilion, a half-dozen vacationers grabbed mats and laid them on the dewy grass, the view like a postcard. The lead yoga instructor for the resort, Will, had a John Slattery vibe and the kind of posture and long neck that really advertise the benefits of spending all day doing yoga, rather than my regular routine of hunching at a computer. He welcomed us to class and gave us a few minutes to get settled. I watched the sun coming up, painting the horizon in Easter egg colors, all pastel pink and orange and lavender.

“For the first decade I did yoga, I didn’t love it,” Will said, and I resisted the urge to raise my hand in solidarity. “But now I love it. You have to find the right teachers and what your connection is to it.” Huh. I’m not trying to be a yoga instructor, but his words made me hopeful that I could at least enjoy a class every few weeks. Then Will guided us through an accessible, mixed-level Hatha class that I could actually keep up with but still felt challenging. He gave a tiny adjustment, tilting my pelvis an inch or two forward in a lunge-like pose that erased all the tension from my lower back. Whenever my mind wandered, which it still sometimes did, he’d bring it back with a wise bon mot like, “You can never be bored in yoga because there’s always something to do: Check in with your breath or adjust your form.” I’d never thought about it like that before.

When Will told us, as most yoga teachers do, to focus on our breath, I noticed for the first time that the air was the same temperature as my skin. When he reminded us to feel the earth beneath our feet, another yoga staple, this time it felt revelatory, because the ground was literally right beneath my feet. (Well, right beneath my yoga mat, anyway.) Lying in savasana, whenever my to-do list popped into my head, I was able to redirect my attention to notice the birds chirping or the palm fronds clacking against each other in the breeze. At the end of class, I didn’t just want to bow and say “namaste” to Will—I wanted to give him a hug. It was the most physically and mentally enjoyable yoga class I could remember taking.

Emboldened, I signed up for what the resort calls Zen Horse Yoga (after they assured me the yoga was near horses, not on them, which would’ve been too dangerous for me considering the aforementioned domino incident). At the resort’s stables a few miles upcountry, lined by a perimeter of Cook pine trees, my instructor Raj led me past mini horses, mini donkeys, and goats, promising this experience would be a lot calmer, with less chance of getting peed on, than what he’s heard about goat yoga. We walked to a wooden platform in the middle of the field, with a half-dozen brown and white horses milling around and eating from piles of hay. I was relieved to be up on a platform, so I could close my eyes when Raj suggested it without worrying about being trampled. Yet the horses were so calm, I started to understand why Equine-Assisted Therapy is increasingly used for people with disabilities and mental health issues; just being around them felt special and calming.

The Hatha yoga moves were my sweet spot: challenging enough for me to wobble, feel a stretch, and not fall asleep, but not so athletic that I felt a step behind the rest of the class like I had in Vinyasa or Ashtanga flow sessions. I also noticed that whenever I stopped paying attention to my body and started making a mental to-do list, it was easy to tune back into the moment through the sensory experiences: the gentle swish of the horses flicking their tails, the breeze in my hair, the warmth of the sun through my closed eyelids. Rather than being boxed in an urban studio that’s cut off from nature, where I try to turn off my senses so I don’t get a whiff of my neighbor’s B.O. or notice the sirens wailing on the street, I actually enjoyed focusing on what I saw, felt, heard, and touched.

After all that yoga—okay, and Mai Tais—I boarded the plane home feeling more relaxed than I had in more than a year, before pregnancy and then my newborn kept my system on high alert. I spent all of takeoff trying to figure out how to keep the magic going at home. I’m glad I stuck with trying different types of yoga classes over the years. Now that I’ve found ones that were enjoyable, I liken it to how going on bad dates didn’t make me give up on men; I just had to keep trying until I found the one that clicked for me. So I was thrilled I’d found two yoga classes I actually enjoyed...but I was bummed because it’s not as though I can make yoga at the Four Seasons part of my daily practice, at least not until I win the Powerball.

Then it hit me: I can take my favorite part with me. At least when the weather is nice, I can bring my mat to my backyard and follow a Hatha routine on my phone, or I could sign up for a yoga class that meets in the park rather than in a busy studio. I’ll even be doubling up on my health benefits, because spending time outside can help with blood pressure, mental health, and even decrease your cancer risk. If “aloha” is a state of mind you can take with you when you leave Hawaii, maybe yoga is too.

For more stories like this, including celebrity news, beauty and fashion advice, savvy political commentary, and fascinating features, sign up for the Marie Claire newsletter.

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We are born curious. From birth, babies want to explore their surroundings. The entire industry of baby-proofing grows out of their inborn need to touch, see, taste, and experience the world around them. As children’s senses and capabilities develop, their sense of wonder expands too. They venture into the unknown with great interest and an unbridled desire to know more.

But as adults, many of us lose this sense of discovery. We get so busy looking for answers, we forget to ask questions out of fear of the unknown or because we don’t want to disrupt our routine or because we are just too busy dealing with our daily lives. Playing it safe prevents us from being overwhelmed and creates a predictable environment, but it doesn’t foster the discovery of new things or build the skills of resilience that challenges teach us.

By avoiding situations that provoke anxiety, we may be protecting ourselves from discomfort, but we are also missing out on a key aspect of vitality: the joy of learning. According to a Gallup survey, learning something new was one of the strongest influences on how much enjoyment a person experienced on a given day.

What is the best way to keep curiosity alive? Make it a habit to ask more questions in your everyday life. Two of my favorites are inspired by Dean James Ryan’s 2016 commencement speech at the Harvard Graduate School of Education:

1. “Wait, what?” When you ask this question, you are expressing interest and a desire to learn more. This question is essential for understanding and clarification. It’s about taking the time to carefully consider what you are doing before making up your mind.

2. “I wonder if/why …” This form of inquiry keeps you curious about why things are as they are and exploring different possibilities and scenarios. It enables you to think differently and see a problem with fresh eyes.

The best questions help us rethink what we already know and not take “what is” for granted. As the old saying goes, “Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton asked why.”

This story originally appeared in the June 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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The next time you find yourself in a bad mood, try to pinpoint exactly what is bothering you and describe your feelings more precisely. Are you frustrated? Disheartened? Despondent? Exasperated? Instead of resigning yourself to a generalized negative mood for the next few hours, try to label your emotions.

People who are able to differentiate their negative emotions are better at regulating and managing them, according to science. Rather than being consumed by a general feeling of malaise, differentiators are more action oriented. Knowing what is wrong empowers them to seek a solution and tailor a response to the situation. For example, recognizing that you felt flustered after a disagreement with a colleague might prompt you to speak to the manager or go for a walk outside. Feeling “bad” doesn’t provide you with the same kind of useful information. It just hovers over you like a cloud. And because it is so vague, it can easily spill into other aspects of your life and be the reason you snap at your partner later that day.

People who struggle with emotion differentiation are more likely to feel overwhelmed and helpless. They may also be more vulnerable to unhealthy or unfocused responses like binge drinking or physical aggression. Distressing feelings are more likely to dominate their attention and dictate how they behave.

The good news is that emotional differentiation is a skill that can be learned and deployed on a daily basis. By expanding your emotional vocabulary, you are giving yourself the tools to label and understand an array of nuanced emotional states. Not only will your bad moods be less bad, you will be better equipped to handle negativity when it arises.

This story originally appeared in the June 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Have you ever had that aha moment, the idea sparked after realizing the way something is done now isn’t the way it should always be? That’s how many of the best businesses start. Sara Blakely’s billion-dollar Spanx brand began with a pair of cut-up control-top pantyhose she wore under white pants to a party. And long before Katrina Lake built Stitch Fix into a personal-styling platform worth about $3 billion, her friends collectively complained that in-person and e-commerce shopping was so tedious, so she thought, There has to be a better way. Turning that brilliant idea into a launchable business is where things get tricky—so with an assist from 20 entrepreneurs, investors, and execs, we’ve mapped out your path to becoming the next great founder and hustling your way to millions.

Find Your Founder Personality...

In startup land, there’s a lot of talk about a business plan—the blueprint for how you’ll build and scale your idea. Structurally, the document is simple. (Really. Google it and you’ll find countless templates to help you organize your mission statement, market analysis, financial projections, and the like.) What happens before putting pen to paper? That’s where the real work begins. Jennifer Hyman, cofounder and CEO of Rent the Runway, outlines the three things to do before defining your company’s future path.

Ask Yourself One Question

“Will I have fun every single day building this company?” It takes years of growing to hit your stride. If you don’t love your business and its mission, you’ll run into trouble.

Don't Have It All Figured Out

When we started Rent the Runway in 2009, we used early product tests to iterate* and define the correct strategy with the highest probability of success, then wrote the business plan. Once you set the business strategy, it’s difficult to change course.

Talk to Your Audience

We interviewed thousands of potential customers and dozens of designers to learn what value we could provide to both groups. These interviews became the foundation of our initial business plan. I still lean on those early learnings to evolve the company.

Think you don’t have the money to start a company? Think again. Sure, some entrepreneurs bootstrap*—but most launch with the help of other people’s money. Some routes require a way to recoup your partners’ investments. Others involve debt and interest rates. But all are an if/and—not an if/or. Below, the pros of each.

Equity Crowdfunding

“Think of this like Kickstarter, but instead of a T-shirt, people get a stake in your company,” says SeedInvest principal Alexandria Tynion. Create fund-raising campaigns on platforms like SeedInvest or StartEngine—and once you’re approved, accredited or nonaccredited investors* can bet money in return for a small slice of ownership. “You don’t need to spend months chasing down a term sheet* or give up a board seat.”

Venture Capital

Raising a venture round involves selling a percentage of ownership in your company in exchange for cash. Many companies take this route if their growth plans may outpace their bank accounts in the early days. These investors expect the company to eventually go public or to be acquired (see “Plan Your Exit,” below). Aspect Ventures founding partner Theresia Gouw says, “The average startup will partner with its first investor as a board member or adviser for eight to 10 years. Do your research to find who the best partner is for you.”

Bank Loan

Gwen Whiting and Lindsey Boyd launched their detergent company, the Laundress, with $100,000 borrowed from a bank. “We wrote the business plan using my entrepreneurship textbook from college,” Whiting says of prepping for a loan* meeting. Their local Small Business Administration chapter guided them through the SBA loan application. “There can be complications when you add more people to the pie. Gwen and I split ownership 50/50,” says Boyd, an especially sweet split in the wake of their reported $100 million sale to Unilever.

Fintech Loan

Another loan option: Online lenders like Kabbage, cofounded by Kathryn Petralia. This appeals to founders hoping to raise a small amount of capital. (Petralia uses $50,000 as an example.) “Lots of women and minorities come to us. They like the anonymity of the process,” she says. “We focus solely on the data; we’re not biased by what we think a good business is.” Submit your company’s numbers and a loan application online in minutes. If approved, your information is organized on the platform, which helps manage your financials.

PRO TIP:
“Separate your business and personal finances. If you’re running your business out of your personal checking account, it’s harder to get a loan and increases your cost of personal borrowing.” —Kathryn Petralia

You have a solid business plan. That doesn’t matter if you can’t communicate it. So we asked three experts how to pitch.

How to Talk to Investors

“Answer these questions: Why are you committed to spending the next 10 years on this venture? What are key levers at scale that will impact revenue growth*? Where do you want to be in five years? How do you see this growing to a $100-million-plus business? Can you convince others to buy into your vision early on?” —A.D.

“The goal of the first meeting is not to get a check but to get asked back to the next. Building relationships with investors happens over weeks or months, not minutes.” —S.D.

Listen to Your Customers

“One of our first digital campaigns asked, ‘Ready to graduate from Victoria’s Secret?’ It caught women’s attention and still performs well. But over time, women wanted more depth and to see themselves in our ads. So in our recent photo shoot, we featured real women wearing the same bra across our entire range of 78 sizes. Talking to our audience has been an evolution, but the core message—inclusivity, acceptance, and body positivity—hasn’t changed.”

Your first idea isn’t always your best. Survival in startup land involves a whole lot of flexibility, and every iteration is unique to your company’s specific set of challenges. Three founders share how—and, most important, why—they altered course.

Where Your Customers Lead, You Follow

“Upon launching in 2013, we initially sold our shoes through department stores including Barneys and Bloomingdale’s. This was done to build a prestige brand. When you’re sitting on the shelf next to Manolo Blahnik and Hermès, it helps you get the Amal Clooneys and Meghan Markles of the world to pay attention. That structure, though, meant we had to price products from $495 up to $1,200. I looked at the way that people were interacting with brands and products— they were mainly shopping and engaging online—and I was selling at wholesale* to my friends and some of my best customers anyway. I thought, This is crazy. Why can’t I just offer this price to everybody? So we bought back our department-store inventory, and in the fall of 2017 we began selling direct to consumers through our website. Our shoes are now priced between $195 and $695, and we’re closer to our customer, interacting with them directly with a better understanding of what they want.”

Investors Don't Always Know Best

“When Minted first opened in April 2008, we started by offering a large collection of wedding invitations from several well-known stationery brands and just a small handful of save-the-date cards from artists who won one of our first crowdsourced design contests. There was silence for a whole month, until sales started to slowly trickle in. It wasn’t the established brands that were selling but the designs by the contest winners. Before we launched, our investors were wary of crowdsourcing, so we’d thought it was going to be a small part of the business, not the business itself. But the only response we saw after launch was selling crowdsourced designs, albeit in small amounts—so we decided to pivot our entire focus to sourcing completely fresh, unique designs through design competitions. This strategy proved extremely successful in our first holiday season. After that, we moved away from carrying known stationery brands and now focus on selling only crowdsourced art and designs that are unique to Minted.”

You Can Make Money While Doing Good

“My two cofounders and I started our ride-hailing company, HopSkipDrive, in 2015 as a way to provide safe and dependable rides for families. It’s why all our drivers are fingerprinted and go through a 15-point certification process, including background checks and in-person interviews, to use our platform. Though we were branded as an Uber for kids, our mission was always about getting kids to reach their highest potential. When we learned there are federal mandates around keeping foster youths at their school of origin even if they move but cities struggle to find flexible transportation to match their schedules, we put in a bid in 2017 to provide transportation for L.A. county’s child-welfare system. Other counties started reaching out, and we’re now working with 160 districts and schools in California, Colorado, Virginia, and D.C. We’re removing mobility as a barrier to opportunity for underprivileged children—and as an added bonus, the enterprise side* of our business is growing almost 800 percent year over year.”

One of your greatest challenges as an entrepreneur is finding your team. It needs to have people who are game to take your calls at 3 a.m. when your site’s code bugs out, raise their hand to do everything from schmoozing with potential clients to taking out the trash, and act as an extension of your brain. Jana Rich, the founder and CEO of Rich Talent Group, advises how to recruit an early-stage crew that can help build your rocket ship when you have little money and even less time.

Hire People Who Complement Your Strengths and Weaknesses

If you’re better at external meetings and marketing, hire an operator to be internally focused. It’s natural (and smart) to bring in people you’ve worked with before and trust, but you also need to go beyond your inner circle; diverse teams perform better.

Look for Talent Magnets

If your budget is tight, hire people who attract other talented team members from their networks or previous jobs. They should believe in the future growth potential of your company and negotiate for more equity versus cash compensation.

Trust Your Gut

The strong performers on your team want to see that a high bar is being set. If it’s not working with one of your team members, address the issue directly and early, let him or her go with grace and humility, and then move on.

After years—and years and years—of strategizing and pivoting and scaling, many founders start to think about what’s next. Some entrepreneurs want to work 80-hour weeks for the rest of their lives (cough, Elon Musk, cough), while others realize that’s not sustainable. Whatever your goal, you have options.

Cash Up

An IPO (or an initial public offering) is when a private company lists itself on a stock exchange—think NASDAQ or NYSE—and allows bankers, funds, and regular consumers to buy and trade pieces of the company, making them official shareholders. Founders who pursue IPOs with tactical skill stay plenty in control and allow their investors to sell their ownership stakes. It’s also a way to get way more funds to support growth goals—especially those expanding internationally—and raise a higher profile. Being listed on any stock exchange usually adds a level of credibility you don’t always get as a private company. One of the reasons Julia Hartz, CEO of Eventbrite, took her company public in 2018 was to raise money to expand the company’s global footprint, and “the discipline and transparency that being public demands keeps us focused on executing on the tremendous opportunity ahead of us, regardless of market cycles.”

Cash Out

Another option? Getting bought. Talia Frenkel, the founder of sustainable tampon and condom company This Is L., sold her company to Procter & Gamble for a reported $100 million in February 2019. When P&G first reached out asking for a meeting, she didn’t think the conversations would go anywhere—it owns Tampax, one of L.’s biggest competitors—but the corporation surprised her. “They did not skip a beat about maintaining our public-benefit-corp status*,” she says. “Ultimately, L.’s purpose is to make essential products accessible to as many women as possible, and P&G presented the opportunity to scale that purpose to reach billions of people around the world.” Anyone with an ownership stake in the company (founders, investors, and sometimes employees) gets paid. Talia will remain an advisor of This Is L.—though plenty of founders leave their company or step into a role with fewer day-to-day responsibilities.

Keep Control

Sometimes, your exit strategy is no exit at all. Many founders prefer to maintain control of their company. Without swarms of Wall Street shareholders judging their every move, private companies face less pressure to meet short-term revenue goals and to keep costs tight. Despite rumor after rumor of a possible IPO, Tory Burch has been steadfast in her plan to keep the company private—and Eileen Fisher has been running her eponymous clothing brand since 1984, with no plans to sell or go public. That approach has allowed both companies to focus less on meeting investor demands and more on keeping their customers happy. Usually, private companies that have been in the game for a while have business models* that yield healthy revenue streams and, in most cases, profitability.

As a first-time founder, you’re going to make a ton of mistakes on the road to figuring it all out. Jean Brownhill, whose contractor marketplace, Sweeten, launched in 2011 and has since raised over $9 million, looks back at her early days in entrepreneurship and shares what she wishes she realized earlier.

Get a Plain Navy Blue Dress

For some reason, it was the best outfit for me to pitch in. After A/B testing a bunch of options, the navy dress was hands-down the winner. Find your power outfit so you can focus on what’s really important.

Your Health Is Your Safety Belt

Being an entrepreneur is an extremely bumpy ride. Even when it’s going great and your business is growing, there will be problems. If you’re not physically strong and feeling good, you’re not going to be able to deal with the issues of your business. Go to the gym, get eight hours of sleep, eat good food, and try not to drink too much. It’s the only way to get through it all.

Hire the Team That's Right for You

In the beginning, I’d hire people I thought I “should” hire, mostly based on their technical skills. I then would try and contort my leadership style to work with them. This never works. People on your team need to be well-suited to work with you.

Do Not Meet Male Investors for One-on-One Drinks

Duh!

A handy tool to help you remember all the boring to-dos while you're busy building the next big thing.

1: Nail the Basics

What is your company’s mission—and its name? (For a fee, you can hire a firm to help.) Decide if you want a cofounder, though know solo founders are twice as likely to succeed as cofounders.

2: Fill Out All the Forms

You will get very tired of your own signature. Sign up for an Employee Identification Number, register as an LLC, map out licenses you may need, and download accounting software.

3: Brand Your Baby

You have the name; now you need the look. Whether you outsource creative or hire a UX designer, focus on crystallizing your vision. This will be your company’s introduction to the world.

4: Get to Know Your Market

What is your target audience? Who are your competitors? Once you nail down your user base, tweak your product, launch in beta (find users organically or through a firm), test, and tweak again.

5: Write Your Business Plan

It’s fine to keep things fluid early on but you’re 16 percent more likely to reach cash flow positive with a solid strategy than if you don’t have a formal outline.

6: Figure Out Your Finances

Explore the type of funding that fits your company’s goals. Do you have a high growth potential model and hope to eventually sell or go public? Then a VC route makes sense.

7: Launch!

You got this. Seriously. A recent study confirmed that women are better entrepreneurs than men. Startups with a female founder or cofounder made 10 percent more in revenue than companies with a male founder.

When things get hard, remember... this could be you:

“With a business plan I wrote on my iPhone and my life savings of $100,000, I launched Thrive Causemetics in 2015. Our first product was lash glue; I made it with my Vitamix in my kitchen, and we shipped all orders out of my one-bedroom apartment. By November 2016, we were selling about $1,000 worth of products a day. That turned into $100,000. Today, we sell one $24 mascara every nine seconds. My advice? Check your ego at the door and be willing to learn every hour of every day.”

Your Resource Guide

Because no one will judge you for asking for help

An earlier version of this article stated that Talia Frenkel would remain CEO of This is L. She is now an advisor.

Many people keep gratitude to themselves. They feel it but don’t express it. Like you, they assume the other person already knows how much he or she is appreciated or worry about finding the right words to say. I have a patient who was so concerned about writing the perfect thank you note that she often ended up not writing one at all.

Putting pen to paper or sending a thank you email may seem unnecessary or feel uncomfortable, but research tells a different story. According to the recent study “Undervaluing Gratitude,” by researchers at the Booth School of Business at the University of Chicago, we systematically underestimate the positive impact of expressing gratitude and overestimate how awkward an expression of gratitude might make someone else feel. Misunderstanding the consequences of saying thanks keeps us from engaging in a simple action that would make us and someone else a little happier. The conclusion of the study is crystal clear: Every time we don’t express gratitude, we are missing an opportunity to give others and ourselves a boost.

Expressing and experiencing gratitude in everyday life is one of the most reliable ways to improve your own well-being and the well-being of someone else. Author Gladys B. Stern famously said, “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” Say it. Write it. Express it somehow. Just don’t keep it to yourself.

This story originally appeared in the March 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Early on, society labels us, we label ourselves, and we label others. A child is told he is a good or a bad listener. A high school student thinks of herself as good or bad at math. These labels become even more entrenched in adulthood. A coworker might be thought of as a “lazy human being.” You might decide you will never be a good cook or that you are not a morning person. These beliefs are all based on the idea that people don’t change. Not so long ago, scientists held a similar opinion about the brain. The prevailing belief was that the adult brain was completely formed and unchangeable. The number of connections and neurons was thought to be finite. Any notion of brain change or growth was dismissed as science fiction. But new research shows this is not the case at all. In fact, the brain is far more malleable than once thought, responding to changing environments and situations and reorganizing itself throughout our life.

What happens to the brains of London taxi drivers is one of my favorite examples of how the brain can change. Unlike cabbies in other cities, London cabbies are forced to learn thousands of street names and routes in order to pass a notoriously difficult licensing exam known as the Knowledge. It requires a tremendous amount of memorization, and researchers were curious about how this affects the brain. In scans, they found that the part of the taxi drivers’ brains associated with memory is significantly larger than the average person’s. In the same way that the brain is changeable and capable of adapting, so are we. Skills can be learned, abilities can be developed, and character can be cultivated. When we adopt a growth mind-set, we open ourselves up to possibilities and explore our potential and the potential of others.

Recognizing that you are not set in stone can help you cope with stress, develop new interests, and make new connections. It can even make you a better friend and partner. To facilitate a switch from a fixed “I am who I am” mind-set to a growth mind-set, Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, recommends attaching the word yet to new challenges, e.g. “I am not a master chef yet.” It will help remind you that you are a work in progress, not a finished product.

Dr. Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and an assistant attending psychiatrist at Weil Cornell Medical College in New York and the the founder of positivepercription.com.

A version of this article originally appeared in the April 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

Every weekday morning, more than 7 million people get an email ping from theSkimm (mine arrives at approximately 6:23 AM), the subscription-based newsletter that delivers global news, political breakdowns, and need-to-know info to your inbox before you’ve even brewed your coffee. The newsletter, known for its quippy voice and digestible explainers on nuanced issues, has become a pillar of information for c-suite career women and college students alike.

This June, theSkimm bring its mass appeal to readers in a whole new way with the launch of their debut book How To Skimm Your Life (Ballantine Books). In the same voice that Skimm readers know and love, the book dishes out advice and helpful tips on every area of life, from how to correctly serve pinot (hint: it’s not in a coffee mug), to how to do taxes, and how to navigate your career (yes, it really does cover everything).

You can absorb some of the genius IRL. To coincide with the book's June 10 launch, theSkimm co-founders and CEOs, Carly Zakin and Danielle Weisberg, will embark on a national tour: In 10 cities across the country, MarieClaire.com can exclusively announce, the duo will host “nights out,” ticketed conversations during which Carly and Danielle share their own (very impressive) story of success, plus tips and tricks for creating a budget, negotiating a better salary, and more. Attendees will get to network with other Skimmers and receive a complimentary copy of How To Skimm Your Life. (VIP guests can pick up even more swag, like new headshots and one-on-one time with the co-founders.) So basically, sign me up ASAP, adulting is hard.

Carly and Danielle hope that the tour and book will enable readers totally kill the game that we call life: “Our goal with this book is to empower readers to take action on important decisions you make as an adult,” they tell MarieClaire.com. “We are so excited to travel the country, sharing our own experiences in the hopes that attendees walk away learning something they can apply in their own lives.”

Presales for the theSkimm Night Out begin Tuesday, March 26 at 10 a.m. local time. Tickets officially go on sale Wednesday, March 27. The 10-city tour starts June 10, and includes stops in New York, NY; Chicago, IL; Washington, DC; Nashville, TN; Charlotte, NC; Dallas, TX; Los Angeles, CA; San Francisco, CA; Charleston, SC; and Atlanta, GA. More info can be found here.

For more stories like this, including celebrity news, beauty and fashion advice, savvy political commentary, and fascinating features, sign up for the Marie Claire newsletter.

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While venting might feel good in the moment, doing it over and over again without any resolution or forward progress can make you feel worse. Excessively complaining and rehashing personal problems with someone else is known as co-rumination, and research shows it can increase stress, especially in those who are already feeling down.

A patient who had a difficult relationship with her mother-in-law would spend hours going over the latest incident or insult with her best friend, speculating about what the monster-in-law might do next. It was their go-to conversation—or, as my patient called it, their weekly “bitchfest.” Afterward, she realized, she often felt even angrier and more frustrated.

The problem with venting is that it amplifies negativity. The more you think or talk about an issue, the more salient it becomes. It’s adding fuel to the fire. Next time you feel like doing so, try focusing on problem-solving or talking about something else entirely. Also, keep an eye on the clock. If you spend more than 15 minutes on the problem, it’s time to move on. Discourage venting from others as well. If your best friend calls you to talk about something that is bothering her, resist joining in and asking questions that encourage her to recount every little detail. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything!” will only lead to a play-by-play of what happened and what she was feeling. It encourages rumination. Consider asking a question that might enable her to gain distance from the situation and insight, such as: “If someone else were in this situation, what advice would you give her?” Rather than dwelling on the details, help her generate a plan of action.

A version of this article originally appeared in the February 2019 issue of Marie Claire.

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Jenna Dewan continues to branch out into new territory. Once known as a dancer and actress in Step Up and the stylish plus-one to Channing Tatum (which would already be impressive, btw), Jenna Dewan has now carved a style and lifestyle niche for herself. At this point, she has a Danskin clothing line, a lip line called Savvy Minerals by Young Living, a recurring acting role on The Resident, AND a reputation as a sexy style icon. So what more could she do to impress us? She's writing a book, apparently.

*Aaaand clicks preorder immediately*

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the book will come out in October, and it's a hardcover, coffe-table style book. It's called Gracefully You: How to Live Your Best Life Every Day—great tie-in with her history as a dancer! The book will apparently cover "life’s challenges and how Dewan overcomes negativity." Honestly, I need that in my life IMMEDIATELY, so I'm not sure how I'm going to wait until October.

In addition to likely gorgeous photos of Dewan, her fashion, and her home, there'll be "advice for happiness, physical health, mental health, motherhood, self-care, meditation, nutrition and friendship."

Yesterday, Dewan officially announced the news on Instagram, giving us a sneak preview of the gorgeous book cover. She added a little bit more about what we can expect from the book: "It’s all about learning to connect deeply and find happiness in every aspect of your life through all the ups and downs. It’ll be full of stories and photos from my life, as well as suggestions for home, health and relationships to help you live your best life."

I'm really excited, and I hope she talks about her cute boyfriend Steve Kazee and adorable daughter Everly Tatum. Are you intrigued?

For more stories like this, including celebrity news, beauty and fashion advice, savvy political commentary, and fascinating features, sign up for the Marie Claire newsletter.

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