The Daily Show correspondent Hasan Minhaj took on a very difficult job tonight. He's hosting one of the most bizarre White House Correspondents' Dinners in history, the first time in decades the President of the United States has skipped the gala held to honor political journalists. A former Daily Show correspondent, Samantha Bee, was also airing a rival dinner event at the same time. The odds were stacked against Minhaj, a fact he joked about frequently.
"No one wanted to do this, so of course it lands in the hands of an immigrant," said the Indian-American. His speech covered individual members of the Trump administration (who also stayed away from the event), as well as member of the press. Here are a few of the funniest lines.
"King Joffrey is president. It feels like the Red Wedding is here."
"We all know this administration loves deleting history faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps."
"We gotta address the elephant that's not the in room. The leader of our country is not here.... that's because he's all the way in Moscow."
"Let the man putt putt! It keeps him distracted. Tell him he has a great body for bobsledding. The longer you keep him distracted, the longer we're not at war with North Korea!"
"He tweets at 3 AM... sober. Who is tweeting at 3 AM sober? Donald Trump, because it's 10 AM in Russia. Those are business hours!"
"Now that a professional wrestler is our president, anything is possible. Anything is possible used to have a positive connotation."
"I've been watching House of Cards just to relax. Oh, a vice president pushes a journalist in front of a train? How quaint."
"A lot of people think Steve Bannon is the reason Trump dog-whistles to racists... Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Notsee Steve Bannon... Nazi Steve Bannon."
"Frederick Douglass isn't here, and that's because he's dead."
"Mike Pence isn't here. Apparently one of you ladies is ovulating. Good job, ladies. Because of you we couldn't hang out with Mike Pence."
"If she was here, I would ask the question we're all thinking. Why? Why do you support this man? We all love our parents, but we wouldn't endorse them for president. My dad? The guy who tries to return underwear to Costco? No!"
"Jeff Sessions couldn't be here. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War re-enactment. He said no, which happens to be his second favorite N-word."
"Enough about house Slytherin..."
"Sean Spicer gives press briefings like someone is going through his browser history while he watches. 'No. Stop it. Stop it. Stop shaking your head.'"
"Sean Spicer's been doing public relations since 1999. Somehow, after 18 years of doing PR, his go-to move when asked a tough question is denying the Holocaust.
"I don't have a solution. You guys have to be more perfect now. You are how the president gets his news. Not from advisors, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies. You guys. You can't make ay mistakes. When one of you messes up, he blames the whole group. Now you know what it feels like to be a minority."
"You guys are running a marathon, and I'm at the half-mile mark, handing you tape for your nipples. You chafed, man? You look a little chafed."
"This has been one of the strangest events of my life. If this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me."
"It's 11 PM, so in three hours he will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this dinner. He'll be doing it completely sober."
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