1. How did you end up with a 300-person guest list when you really only like about 10 people on this planet? Yes, Uncles John 1 and John 2 are equally important but you haven't seen Uncle John 2 since you were six days old. For every Uncle John 1, there are somehow three goddamn Uncle John 2s on your guest list.
2. Yet cutting people from the list feels like ritual sacrifice. Is it really that offensive to that entire half of the family if we don't invite Uncle John 2 and his wife who you've never actually met? OK, cool, hope they're bringing a gift worth at least $50! Did I say that out loud? Oops.
3. Pinterest is the virtual life force that keeps you moving forward. B.E. (Before Engagement), Pinterest was a pleasant pastime, a mindless amusement. A.E (After Engagement), it's a way of life. The ultimate time-suck. The only thing that matters really.
4. The differences between slate gray and gunmetal keep you up at night. As do other decisions (Round tables? Rectangular tables? Will too many candles burn down the venue and ruin my wedding/life?) that you know in your heart are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but are really important right now.
5. Having to rule out your dream venue because it's a casual $500 a head. When you laid eyes on this barn online, you knew it was The One. Why does this dumb barn have to cost so much?! It's just a barn! Back to Pinterest to reimagine your ultimate garden-chic wedding.
6. The casual fear that you will sever a beloved friendship forever with your bridesmaids decisions. It's not that you love Christy any less than you love Abby, but a girl can only have so many bridesmaids! Except really though, is Christy going to passive-aggressively scorn you forever because it came down to the fact that you knew Abby one year longer? Oy.
7. Where the fresh hell did this momzilla madness come from? Isn't she supposed to be your voice of reason? "Mom, you don't have to make pancakes, French toast, frittatas, sandwiches, pasta salad, potato salad, fruit salad, and salad salad for the post-wedding brunch," you have to insist 12 times. "Also, the post-wedding brunch is in a year from now, remember?"
8. "Where are you getting married? My cousin's brother-in-law got married at [X ridiculous place] and she had the best wedding ever!" Aka every person on that 300-person guest list of yours has an opinion about everything. Did you know your sister's best friend actually had the most amazing wedding of all time ever in the universe? Let her tell you all about it for 20 minutes when you're in a rush to meet the florist!
9. The one person who doesn't have an opinion? The person you're tryna spend forever with. Things your fiancé cares about: booze, food, and music. All important things you also care about of course, but could he have some input on the floral arrangements? Granted they're not as important as feeding people, but come on, man.
10. Wedding dresses are beautiful and all but now you have to choose one. Everyone has been telling you that it's your day and that you are a princess, so why should you only have to choose one dress when they are all so beautiful? (Because they are expensive.) (So expensive.) (Meh.)
11. It's not that you don't trust your friends' taste in dresses, but... You get a little nervous telling them, "Here's your color, have a field day with all the other details!" You're already asking these ladies to shell out a lot for you, but remembering Mel's metallic vest obsession from last year makes you anxious. Deep breaths, bridechilla, you can do this.
12. Checking your bank statement constantly to remind yourself you haven't spent all your money yet. The crushing blow that ensues when you see what damage you did with the deposit. The anxiety that comes with every conversation you have about how fucking expensive weddings are with your parents.
13. Weddings haunt you when you're sleeping. Probably from all that pent-up Pinterest anxiety, you dream constantly of tripping down aisles and losing rings. You wake up with cold cake-tasting-related sweats, wondering if you went wrong with your executive buttercream decision. These nightmares will end, you figure. You'll sleep on the honeymoon.
14. Feeling silly about being stressed about literally everything. Because it's just a wedding, in the grand scheme of things. Right? Right??
15. Planning a wedding is a gentle reminder that you can't always get what you want. So when the caterer drops out and the forecast calls for "epic torrential downpour," remember you're getting the forever and always. You're getting the coolest person.