1. Perpetual third-wheel hangouts. Nothing better than hanging out with two people who are either totally into each other or having a terrible fight in front of you while you sit there eating snacks and thinking, I guess this is how it's gonna be forever. Just me and snacks.
2. Getting pity invitations to things. "We should invite, Deb, don't you think? I mean she's all alone on [insert holiday or day of the week]." Then you show up and they act like they're relieved you came to their party because it means you didn't walk in front of a bus.
3. Getting set up with everyone's crappy leftover friends. "Is Doug still single? You should meet Doug!" Should I, Karen? Should I? Or is there a reason why all your single friends are still alone. Oh, wait. I guess I'm one of those friends so never mind. But meeting Doug is still a no.
4. Having to hear tons of platitudes like, "You'll find someone," every time you talk to your friends. Yes! I'm sure I will find someone! Will they be great for me? I can't say. Will I meet them when I'm, like, 88 and have one more year of life left? Who knows? These phrases are not helping! Be specific with your fortune telling!
5. Getting asked, "Whatever happened to so and so?" like they were The One and you blew it. "Well, I put their face on a milk carton but thus far, no response." What do you think happened? They sucked or I sucked, but either way, someone sucked and we're not together and it's for the best. Please never bring them up again.
6. Watching your super-happy friends in couples being super-happy. This is wonderful on some level, it really is. And on another level, a reminder that you might never have that, why, God, why.
7. Dinner parties where you're sitting in between two couples because you're the only single person there. And if you're not the only single person there, you're still seated next to couples but also seated next to someone you would never date in a million years who thinks you're going to marry them because you're the only two single people there. How romantic! What a story to tell our children! "Well, your Dad was my only option and then we had you!"
8. Your friends only call you when their partners are out of town. Because they actually have time to hang but what they do not understand is you already had alone plans involving wine.
9. Your friends think all your traumatizing online dating stories are hilarious. "Oh goodness! You always have the wackiest stories! Ah, to be single again. What a thrill ride." You mean a sea of dick pics and no hope for tomorrow? I could skip that ride.
10. Friends who tell you, "Never get married," when they're fighting with their partner and therefore you lose all hope in love. Don't tell me that shit! Tell me it's challenging, tell me it can be hard but it's worth it. But I don't want to hear, "Marriage is horrible. Love is a lie." from a couple I view as a model for a relationship I'd like to have. Are you trying to kill me?
11. Your friends always want to partaaayyyy with you. Because their coupled lives are pretty chill and laid back, but you just want to hang out and watch a movie with them because yes, you are single, but also very chill.
12. Partnered friends want all your hot single gossip. Like being single is a nonstop vodka ad and you're having the time of your life. But truthfully you're like, "I don't have any gossip. I just eat in bed a lot."
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