Oscars!

Best Dressed: Anyone in red (as seen on the surprisingly nervous Katherine Heigl and flawless Anne Hathaway--did Romi from Project Runway dress her in that gorgeous Grecian draped rosette dress?). More gorgeous ladies in red: Heidi Klum, who dazzled in Galliano; Miley why-the-hell-was-she-there-much-less-presenting Cyrus; Ruby Dee; a shiny garnet-y Helen Mirren. We also loved Jennifer Garner, whose killer Onyx Oscar de la Renta fishtail gave the enviable impression that she was floating across the stage (take that, Broadway’s Little Mermaid!); Oscar winner Marion Cotillard made for the most beautiful mermaid we’ve ever seen in her scaled white Jean Paul Gaultier—nevermind what all the snarky fashionistas had to say about it; and continue to worship Diablo Cody for just being her ridiculous, leopard-print self.

Worst Dressed: Rebecca “I’m wearing a three-year-old’s art project” Miller; this pains me to say, but: Ellen “I’m wise beyond my years and will prove it by wearing my great- grandmother's clothes” Page; Tilda Swinton’s black silk trashbag (psst: Next time, try a little lip gloss); and Renee Zellweger. Yes, The Carolina Herrera dress was smashing, as always, but playing with her cropped hair every time the camera panned to her just highlighted her insecurity—and a haircut like that needs the ‘tude to properly rock it. Also, Hilary Swank for wearing a Versace gown that looked like a Halle Berry cast-off and Nicole Kidman for appearing as if she walked through jeweled barbed wire on the way to the tent.

Best moments: The Gary Busey dustup with Seacrest featuring an amused Laura Linney and a not so amused Jennifer Garner on E!; anything Jason Bateman said to anyone on the red carpet, ever; ABC’s red carpet host Regis Philman (seriously?) calling Javier Bardem “Xavier Bardem” just seconds before broadcast (so close, Reeg!); Michael Bay’s AWESOME Verizon commercial; Spike Lee and Wesley “taxman” Snipes new barbershop duo (how else can one explain the bow ties and hats?); Javier Bardem’s shoutout to his momma en Espanol; James McAvoy and Josh Brolin's famous-lines-in-bad-accents schtick—or really any moment the camera rested on McAvoy; Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill as Halle Berry and Dame Judi; the Before They Had Stylists montage of Best Actress winners; Marion Cotillard's adorable speech (aka, The Cuba Gooding, Jr. Moment); Harrison Ford lighting up and Calista looking bored as hell when Cate Blanchett took the stage; Tilda Swinton’s hilarious jab at George Clooney’s nuppled Batman suit; the adorable Once winners—and that Jon Stewart brought the chick back out onstage to finish her thank you’s after being cut off; the eerily circumspect Owen Wilson; the Coen brothers’ non-speeches, Ruby Dee reacting to her own performance clip from American Gangster as if floored by her own work.

Worst moments: All of those painful Enchanted songs. Really, is that the best we can do—paint-by-numbers tunes by the relentless Alan Mencken? Hal Holbrook not winning anything (can he adopt me? Please?); the binocular and periscope parody tribute that fell oh-so-flat; the slippery spot to the left of the stage that Colin Farrell (his mom was his date—did she seriously not tell him to comb his hair?) and John “I avoided that problem by spraying my hair on” Travolta almost wiped out on; the popularity contests that is the Dead People montage (cue the Applause-o-Meter. And why’d they skip Brad Renfro?); ending way past my Sunday night bedtime.