Comedians are good for many things—laughing 'til you pee just a liiiittle bit and giving you witty quips to drop the moment any conversation lulls (🎶workin' on my night cheese 🎶). They're the people we turn to when we come home from a bad Tinder date and just want to curl up with 4th another glass of wine and the comforts of a Netflix special. So who better to take relationship advice from—because actually, Donald Trump, we don't care that flat-chested women aren't 10s in your book—than those same jokesters. Because if anyone can understand the struggles of the modern dating world, it's the people who use their own personal failures to entertain us. Right?
1. Thou shall demand what is rightfully yours in any hookup situation.
"Make sure he knows that you're entitled to an orgasm. I like to say it. I'll be like, 'Hey, there are two people here.' I'll be like, 'Oh my God, have you met my clit?'"—Amy Schumer, July 2015
2. Marriage should be approached cautiously.
"I see people my age…getting married to people they've known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the REST of your life with them? I've had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like, 'What the f*ck was I doing with this sweater?'"—Aziz Ansari, Modern Love
3. The power of alcohol as a social lubricant should not be underestimated.
"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around."—Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
4. Love makes you do crazy things.
"When you're married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you're single, you wanna kill yourself. If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love."—Chris Rock
5. Never trust a thing *anyone* says.
"If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it."—Louis C.K.
6. Outdated sexist phrases should be called out for what they are.
"People say this, 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' You ever heard that before? It's a bananas, insulting expression to an entire gender! You know what that expression means, right? It means why would you marry a woman if she's already having sex with you...which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore. Why buy the cow? Well, let's be real here. You're very lucky to have the cow that you do have. Roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, John!"—John Mulaney, The Comeback Kid
7. Stay true to you.
"I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices."—Sarah Silverman
8. Self-love is the most important kind of love.
"I urge you all today, especially today during these times of chaos and war, to love yourself without reservations and to love each other without restraint. Unless you're into leather."—Margaret Cho
9. You really don't *need* anyone. Seriously, you don't.
"I don't need marriage. I don't need anyone to take care of all my needs and desires. I can take care of them myself now."—Mindy Kaling, Good Housekeeping
10. Being in touch with your emotions is key.
"Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom."—Chelsea Peretti
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As Cosmopolitan’s deputy editor, Rosa Heyman oversees a team of whip-smart editors and hilarious writers who bring you some of the best investigations on the internet, from dissecting the latest Kardashian drama to uncovering the link between white supremacy and misogyny. She currently manages the news and social teams and develops the strategy for how the brand best distributes content. You can usually find Rosa glued to her phone workshopping a cheeky caption for Cosmo’s Instagram account.
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