QUIZ: Do You Need Therapy?

Analyze this.

Give yourself 1 point if you:

* ever stole Xanax from your roommate.

* grunt audibly when slow-moving elderly force you to break stride on the sidewalk.

* have an iPod playlist called "Suffering," filled with Nick Drake, Nico, Death Cab for Cutie, and Aimee Mann.

* call them your "fat jeans."

* fear an attack on the U.S. because you can see Russia from your house.

* engage in passive-aggressive e-mail banter with your mother about your landscaping and home decor, then cry about it at your desk.

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* flip people off in traffic.

Give yourself 5 points if you:

* occasionally spike your 3 p.m. mocha with Jameson's.

* tell your cat she's put on some weight.

* drive a Hummer.

* see a pair of Marc Jacobs heels for 75 percent off and keep walking.

* BCC your dad on all match.com correspondence.

* bawl during the elimination segment of The Biggest Loser.

Give yourself 10 points if you:

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* are a middle child.

* voted for Ron Paul.

* write sonnet sequences imagining myriad versions of your death.

* still fake orgasms.

* cite The Prince of Tides, Requiem for a Dream, and Bambi as your favorite movies.

* see dead people.


YOUR THERAPY RX

0 to 15 points: Counseling Optional

Either you're a master of manipulating test results, or you really are okay. Continue exploiting friends and loved ones for emotional support, gratis.

16 to 25 points: Seek Vicarious Help

Stick to your own couch, but do lay in a supply of self-help books.

26 points or more: Time to Go Pro

Welcome to the club, kiddo! If you tell our shrink we sent you, we get our next session free.

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