The 15 Emotional Stages of Shopping

1. I'm so excited!

I'm going to find everything I've ever wanted today, and I won't have to buy anything ever again! Wheeeeee!

2. OK, the first store's coming up.

Look—the new season's here! This year, I'm going to dominate fall. I'm going to conquer knee socks! I'm going to be Ali McGraw in Love Story! I'm going to wear capes and boots and a hat that's not a beanie! Ooooh, faux fur! *pat pat* See? This is going to be so much fun!

3. Would it be so wrong if I got a coat that blatantly "inspired" by Prada Spring 2013?

I mean, she did tell T Magazine she couldn't care less ... Nah. I couldn't do that to Miuccia. I just couldn't.

4. Well ... nothing would happen if I only tried it on.

You know, just for comparison. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

5. Give me that sweater.

Give it to me now! All right, all right. Calm down, Veruca Salt. Let's just take this one—DO THEY NOT HAVE IT IN MY SIZE?

6. They don't have it in my size.

They don't have it in anything in the same ZIP code as my size.

7. But don't worry. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Um, yeah. "Never mind I'll fiiiinndddd, a jumper like yoouuuuuu..."

8. On the other hand, that means loads of other girls already have it.

And is that really who you want to be—someone who owns a top half the world apparently got their mitts on yesterday? (Don't answer that.) I could style it better, thank you very much.

9. Wait!

I just remembered this thing where you can buy stuff on the Internet and they ship it right to your apartment! Maybe the website will have it! Bless you, Tim Berners-Lee. Bless you, FedEx. Bless you, warehouse people.

10. Fitting room time!

No one else seems to be having this much trouble keeping her hangers facing the same direction. And why does that Swiss-dot shirt on the reject pile look weirdly appealing from over here?

11. This line, man.

I might be faster than the most of the population at dressing myself then deciding if something looks awful or not, but come on—it does not take that long to try on two T-shirts and a pair of jeans.

12. Why do they not understand the correlation between sales and demoralizing lighting?

Someone fix this pronto because a) all the items I chose suddenly resemble Cinderella's ballgown (the non-magical one) after her stepsisters got to it, and b) I couldn't possibly be this hideous IRL. Right? Right?

13. Do not pick up the jewelry by the cash register.

Do not pick up the jewelry by the cash register, do not ...

14. "I'll take these too. And this pair of socks."

I am so disappointed in you right now.

15. I only bought two things, but they're going to change my life!

I'll make them work with everything! I'm going to come up with so many outfits it'll cost, like, 0.00000056 of a penny per wear! Shopping! YAY!