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Thanksgiving happened because Squanto was tired of being like, "Ugh, you're doing it wrong," thus ushering in a new era of Native American-Pilgrim relations and a really big rager where they ate maize and other crops half of the attendees hadn't known how to grow before. (Then they repaid the other 50 percent of the guest list by murdering them, but that's for another time.) So how did this celebration of not perishing in the winter turn into an all-day marathon of gluttony? 'Murica, that's how.
In that spirit, here, Keri Gans (opens in new tab), RDN and author of The Small Change Diet helps us lay down the most relevant facts—how many pounds you can expect to gain, how long it'll take to get your pre-turkey body back, etc. Ready to go hog-wild? Um...
You could burst. JK—but you could definitely tip the scale
If you really go HAM, says Gans, you could potentially put on four to five pounds. (That is one to two pounds of water weight and one to two pounds of actual fat (opens in new tab). Lovely.)
Okay, so what do I have to do to get my girlish figure back? ::anxiety intensifies::
"If you buckle down and resume eating healthy, you could probably take the weight off in one to two weeks," she says. "Some of the weight gain may be bloat from a lot of high-sodium foods, which, once you get back to reality, come off quickly."
What about my other *health stats?* (I really just want to know if my Apple Watch will judge me.)
For a moderately healthy adult, there won't be much significant change. For those with a history of high blood pressure or diabetes, your numbers will elevate. Most everybody, however, will feel an increased sense of guilt, irritability, and not wanting to be forklifted off the divan.
Soooo...doing the holidays as our culture says they should be done, y/n?
On the one hand, yes, pay proper homage to our forefathers even though they probably didn't even harvest enough to fill, like, two cornucopias, let alone enough for next-day sandwiches. On the other hand, think of the post-feasting shame. In either case, Gans advises that we not let one or two blissful days at the trough drag out into an entire season of bacchanalia—and that we resume our regular, well-balanced eating routines ASAP. Gobble, gobble.
Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.
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