By Julia Scirrotto published
Give yourself 1 point if you:
* ever stole Xanax from your roommate.
* grunt audibly when slow-moving elderly force you to break stride on the sidewalk.
* have an iPod playlist called "Suffering," filled with Nick Drake, Nico, Death Cab for Cutie, and Aimee Mann.
* call them your "fat jeans."
* fear an attack on the U.S. because you can see Russia from your house.
* engage in passive-aggressive e-mail banter with your mother about your landscaping and home decor, then cry about it at your desk.
* flip people off in traffic.
Give yourself 5 points if you:
* occasionally spike your 3 p.m. mocha with Jameson's.
* tell your cat she's put on some weight.
* drive a Hummer.
* see a pair of Marc Jacobs heels for 75 percent off and keep walking.
* BCC your dad on all match.com correspondence.
* bawl during the elimination segment of The Biggest Loser.
Give yourself 10 points if you:
* are a middle child.
* voted for Ron Paul.
* write sonnet sequences imagining myriad versions of your death.
* still fake orgasms.
* cite The Prince of Tides, Requiem for a Dream, and Bambi as your favorite movies.
* see dead people.
YOUR THERAPY RX
0 to 15 points: Counseling Optional
Either you're a master of manipulating test results, or you really are okay. Continue exploiting friends and loved ones for emotional support, gratis.
16 to 25 points: Seek Vicarious Help
Stick to your own couch, but do lay in a supply of self-help books.
26 points or more: Time to Go Pro
Welcome to the club, kiddo! If you tell our shrink we sent you, we get our next session free.
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