Rant: Why the Onus Is on Men to Say NO to Sex

This is an open letter to the men out there. Can you please take some responsibility for the sexual trauma you cause?


For those of you new to the blog, things were funnier last week.

This week, however, I'm raising hell. I'm not quite ready to burn my bra ... but I would like to flog a few men with it.

Some of the men I'd like to flog include:

1. The 30-something numskull who took the virginity of one of my readers, aged 19, and has blown her off since then. (She wrote in to tell me about this a few weeks ago, and to ask for my advice about what she should do. Oh, poor kiddo!)

2. The guy whom another one of my readers, L.B., slept with after 5 months of dating ... only to have him give her the cold shoulder.

3. The guy who had sex for the first time with my friend Daisy's friend after she'd been on 7 dates with him--and then texted to say he was through with her.

Now, I am not demonizing the whole male race. But these kinds of stories are A LOT more common than the occasional anecdote about a woman not returning calls after sex, don't you agree? (Women are a lot more likely to blow a man off without any explanation after a few dates--which, again, I wholeheartedly disapprove of and think is cowardly and disrespectful, as I have already discussed--whereas it's men who are more likely to do the blowing-off after sex.

It's the blowing-off after sex I'm addressing here today.

I got a little pissed off this morning when I saw a comment on yesterday's post from one of my favorite blog-commenters, Jack, who says if a woman is ready to sleep with him after three weeks, he thinks that's pretty desperate. But hey, he'll judge her for being desperate; use her for the sex; and then drop her.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a double standard? The guy isn't desperate, too, in that same situation? And isn't sleazy on top of it, for using a person?

I'd like to say to the over-sexed men: Take some responsibility!

Let me tell you this, for sure, so next time, you can't say you didn't know:

If a woman waits to have sex with you, or expresses a reasonable degree of hesitation about it, that means at least one of three things:

(a) she thinks sex is kind of a big deal;

(b) she likes you;

(c) she fears getting hurt or blown off by you.

It may even mean ALL THREE.

Any woman who tells you upfront she is only looking for casual sex is a different story.

Any woman whom you tell upfront that you are only looking for casual sex is also a different story.

But tread with responsibility in situations where IT'S NOT EXPLICITLY ABOUT CASUAL SEX.

And if you KNOW that you'll cut off ties after having sex with her--or even if you just think there's a pretty good chance you will--COULD YOU PLEASE EITHER COMMUNICATE THAT OR FOREGO THE SEX?

If you don't, sorry to say it, but you are MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE AND ETHICALLY DESPICABLE.

Now, you might tell me--you men, you--that the onus is on the woman to wait if she's the one worried about getting hurt. Fair enough; in my post of yesterday, I made the case for why waiting is a good idea. I'm not saying women should forfeit all responsibility.

But I'm going to wager that in the vast majority of cases where first-time sex is happening, it's happening in a situation in which THE MAN is the aggressor. AND THE AGGRESSOR HAS A LOT MORE RESPONSIBILITY FOR AN ACTION THAN THE ACCOMPLICE.

If you have trouble seeing that, let's pretend we're talking about murder. Who'd be more responsible: The person who shot the gun? Or the person who said, All right, maybe you're right, maybe it's okay for you to pull the trigger ... AND SHOOT ME?

PLUS, YOU MEN: Have you ever been on the receiving end of the f*cking sexual pressure you guys put on people? It can be kind of intense, let me tell you. And when a woman likes someone--and she thinks he likes her back--it can be really hard to say to no to a physical interaction that she will most likely find pleasurable because there MIGHT be a negative emotional consequence at some point down the road. Might be. Or might not be. And meanwhile, she is being pressured to make a decision by someone SHE REALLY LIKES.

Whereas for men, what's at play is different. Men (and please, correct me if I'm wrong, but): I think most of the time you have a pretty good sense of when all you want is to get laid and when you want more than that.

So could you please get a hold of yourself? And romance your damn hand if getting off is all you're after.

On behalf of a large number of women out there, I thank you in advance for your compliance.