The Only Bad Part About 'Wonder Woman' Was Batman Sliding into Her Proverbial DMs

Please see yourself out of this perfect film, Bruce Wayne.

Warner Brothers/Giphy
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Warning: this rant contains mild spoilers.

Fact One: Bruce Wayne is a self-indulgent finance bro who cosplays as a bat with erect nipples. Fact Two: Wonder Woman is a perfect and flaw-free movie, sullied only by the presence of DC's resident caped crusader—who managed to worm his way into the film without even appearing on screen, like a true troll.

Wonder Woman begins with Batman sending Diana Prince a photo in the mail. Except he doesn't use the U.S. Postal Service because, due to a critical condition known as "Being Extra," he feels the need to send his correspondence in a private truck—a super-subtle means of transportation that definitely doesn't scream "LOVE ME, WONDER WOMAN."

Thanks to Bruce Wayne (more like Bruce Lame, ha ha ha), Diana Prince—who's simply trying to enjoy her day at the office—ends up going on an almost three hour walk down memory lane, during which she says goodbye to her mom forever, watches her loved ones die, and endures the emotional trauma of an entire village being gassed. Thanks Batman!

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In fact, I'd like to whip out 2017's most overused/misused word and posit the theory that Batman is gaslighting Wonder Woman by sliding into her real-life DMs, triggering un-asked for memories, and then "being there for her" when she's feeling emotionally vulnerable.

Who knows how many more "important letters" in massive briefcases that definitely aren't compensating for anything 👀 Bruce Wayne will send to Diana, but it's clear that his attempts to creep into her inbox and ruin her day with dusty old photos of her dead friends is blatantly thirsty. And while Wonder Woman is perfect despite Batman worming his way in, I would have appreciated footage of the phone call that doubtless happened after the movie ended, which I imagine went something like this:

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Wonder Woman:

Batman:

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Wonder Woman:

Batman:

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Wonder Woman:

Kay Batman, please resume your activities and leave Wonder Woman alone until Justice League. She never asked to share a comic book universe with you.


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