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January 31, 2014

What Is He Really Saying?

Read between the lines.


Photo Credit: Getty/Marie Claire

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You never send me snapchats anymore

What It Means: Another way to phrase this one is, "You never show me your boobs anymore and I like boobs so please show me boobs. Also? Boobs." Snapchat is an app where you can take a photo or video and send it to someone for a matter of seconds before it expires, never to be seen again. This is the virtual equivalent to playing doctor. Everyone else uses it to show off the concert they're at or dog they are spending time with. If you are getting this text message from a guy though, I'm guessing he's not fishing for a dog pic; he wants one of you. Preferably in a sexy pose. Preferably naked.

Your Response: If you like the guy but don't do that sort of thing? Send him a photo of yourself in your PJs, or showcase what you're currently up to. You're placating him while inviting him to make the next move via the app. If you think he's a loser? Ignore. He'll get the message. If you're into him and into sexy selfies? It's a relatively safe way to do that sort of thing.

I was 1/10 the man I am now, then. I am so badass now! I want to be your husband.

What It Means: He doesn't. He means well. The guy misses you like crazy and does think fondly of you, but knows in his heart that what was in the past is in the past. I am going to make the leap and say you two used to date, or at least hook up regularly. Your ex likely regrets how things ended; the 1/10 comment is him saying that he realizes he wasn't fully formed when you previously dated. He sees that he might have acted immaturely or was a jerk. In contrast, the second sentence is a declaration that he is a new man.

The fact that he says he's "badass" now makes me think he may not have changed as much as he suspects. "Badass" makes me think he's referring to career success – he's killing it in his respective field. If he had written something like, "I'm much kinder now" or "I've grown up a lot" that would speak to emotional growth. I don't see that here. His statement that he's now ready to be marriage material only underscores how little he has grown. You know what sort of guy is ready to be your husband? A guy who doesn't have to tell you how badass he is.

Your Response: If you want to give him another chance you can lead with, "Maybe we start with a cocktail?" If you're over him and still carry some anger? He may finally be able to hear how being 1/10 a man felt to you at that time. But that's likely a phone convo; don't attempt by text.

You can come over
F*** me
Then leave 

What It Means: Ah! The three step plan! Step one: you come to my place (it would be a hassle to brave this weather myself). Step two: f*** me (not "we make love" or "I get you off" - you f*** me). Step three: get out. It's not the kindest text, but he does mean well. Guys are crude in our terminology, particularly by text. Believe it or not, the guy is trying to be playful. This is not a fully formed plan but a suggestion to get together and fool around. 

He isn't interested in a long date night (obviously) or may have read between the lines of your busy schedule and this is his attempt at being accommodating. I'm guessing this isn't the first time you two would have hooked up; there's a pretense established that this sort of text is acceptable. If I'm wrong and you've never hooked up with this guy before then it's creepy and inappropriate.

Your Response: Want to f*** him? Maybe make him work: "Get in a cab. I'm already in bed." Want to f*** him but you are actually really busy? "Can't sorry. We can make a night of it some other time." Have no interest in f***ing him? "Gross. Go away."

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